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I Once Had A Brain ‘This’ Big

, , , | Right | August 26, 2009

Caller: “I would like to buy a mirror, please.”

Me: “Okay, we have beveled edges, shaped mirrors, plain mirrors. What sort were you after?”

Caller: “Well I just need one to cover this space. So, can you tell me how much it’s going to cost?”

Me: “Sure. I just need to know how big you need it.”

Caller: “What do you need to know that for? It’s just a normal mirror.”

Me: “I need to know the dimensions so I can give you a proper price.”

Caller: “Fine, then. Hang on.” *Few minutes pass.* “Are you there?”

Me: “Yes, I’m here. How big is it?”

Caller: “It’s this big.”

Me: “How big?”

Caller: “I said it’s this big.”

Me: “Are you standing there with your arms out?”

Caller: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Well, because I can’t see how big ‘this’ is. Look, I’ll send out a rep to quote you, okay?”

Caller: “Fine, then. Come as quickly as you can. I’m a busy woman, you know!”


This story is part of our Extra-Stupid-Customers roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Crazy Stories About Water, And People Who So Stupid Their Brain Must Be Dehydrated

 

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Taxing Faxing, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | August 26, 2009

Me: “We’ll need to put this on a credit card.”

Caller: “I don’t have a credit card.”

Me: “You can pay by check, if you’d like.”

Caller: “Can I fax you a check? I really need this to start right away.”

Me: “We can’t accept a faxed check, sorry.”

Caller: “Well, can I fax you cash then?”


This story is part of the Ignorant About Money roundup!

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Closing Arguments

, , | Right | August 25, 2009

Me: “Tech support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Your d*** program keeps closing on me!”

(Note: the program she is referring to is our website.)

Me: “What happens before the program closes?”

Customer: “I click ‘printer friendly’ so I can print off the page, then I use File->Close to get back to where I was, and the d***ed program keeps kicking me out!”

Me: “You click File->Close?”

Customer: “Yeah! This keeps happening to me with a lot of things! I hate computers.”

Me: “Don’t click File->Close. Try clicking on the back button. It’s the button with the arrow pointing to the left.”

Customer: “There it goes! Wow, you must have to do a lot of training for your job!”

Do Not Get Hitched, Go Directly To Jail

, , , | Right Romantic | August 25, 2009

Customer: “I’d like to order a cake.”

Me: “All right, what size cake did you want?”

(We go through the details of the cake.)

Me: “And what did you want the cake to say?”

Customer: “Welcome home from jail. Will you marry me?”

Me: “Okay…”

(The next week, the same customer comes back in with the cake.)

Customer: “I’d like a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. What is wrong with it?”

Customer: “He said no!”


This story is part of our Proposals roundup!

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Zombies Need High Speed Internet Too

, , , , , | Right | August 25, 2009

Caller: “When is my DSL install going to be done?”

Me: “In two days, sir.”

Caller: “My wife and children just died in a car accident yesterday. I need the Internet sooner than that.”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that. I will provide you a complimentary dial-up account until your DSL is installed.”

Caller: “But dial-up is too slow… cancel my order!”

Me: “Sir, if I cancel your order and you wish to schedule service again later, there is a three-week wait.”

Caller: “I don’t care! Do it!”

(The next day, the same customer calls back.)

Caller: “Hi, I need to know when my DSL is being installed.”

Me: “Sir, you canceled your order yesterday. Would you like me to reschedule it?”

Caller: “Yes, but I’m not waiting weeks for it, my wife is divorcing me and my kids need it for school.”

Me: “I’m glad to hear that your wife and children have recovered from the fatal car accident.”

Caller: *silence* “So… can I still get the dial-up until my DSL is installed?”

Me: “Absolutely!”


This story is part of our Customers Caught Lying roundup!

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