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The Chump With The Hump Under Her Rump

, , , , | Right | May 13, 2009

(I’m a bus passenger and notice another passenger sitting with one half of her butt on one seat, and the other on another. The divider is between them, squarely up her crack.)

Bus Driver: “Ma’am, you’ll have to move. This bus is very crowded and you’re taking up two seats.”

Passenger: “What do you mean I’m taking up two seats? This is how you’re supposed to sit.”

Bus Driver: “No it isn’t, ma’am. You’re straddling the divider.”

Passenger: “You mean this isn’t the a**-cheek divider?”

Bus Driver: “No, ma’am, that’s the seat divider!”

Passenger: “Aw… but it feels good to sit like this!”

Bus Driver: “Well, ma’am, your… pleasure… will have to wait.”

Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio

, , , , | Healthy | May 12, 2009

Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”

Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them; you insert them rectally.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”

Customer: “What’s my rectum?”

Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butthole.”

Customer: “Well, up yours, too!” *stalks off*

(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient, “Up yours,” and get away with it!)

The Scenic Route Always Whets The Appetite

, , , | Right | May 12, 2009

(This lady called to place a to-go order. She gave me a phone number with an odd area code, but I didn’t think much of it until this part of the conversation…)

Me: *on the phone* “All right, your total comes to $47.92 and it should be ready in 15 minutes. You know this is the store at [street] and [street] in front of the mall, right?”

Caller: “What? I’ve never heard of those street names. How do I get there?”

Me: “Well, if you can tell me the closest intersection to you, I can give you directions…”

Caller: “I’m at [street] and [street].”

Me: “…ma’am, what city are you in?”

Caller: “…Little Rock…”

Me: “Arkansas?!”

Caller: “What other state would I be in?”

Me: “We’re in Texas. I’m thinking you’re going to want to order from a location closer to you.”

Caller: “I don’t know. Where in Texas are you, exactly?”

This Barter Be A Good Deal

, , | Right | May 12, 2009

Me: “OK, so this suit will be $500.”

Customer: “Oh wow – that’s way too much. Can you take the price down?”

Me: “No, sir, I can’t do anything about the price.”

Customer: “Well… how about I give you my watch?”

Me: “…are you serious? I can’t do that.”

Customer: “How about my watch?”

Me: “All right. You give me your watch, two of your daughters, a goat and a chicken, and the suit is yours.”

Customer: “Okay, deal!”

(The customer walked out of the store. He never came back.)

The Grim Reaper Goes Shopping

, , | Right | May 12, 2009

(I am stocking our stationery section, and a customer walks up to me.)

Customer: “Do you sell condolence cards?”

Me: “No. Perhaps try Target or Walmart?”

Customer: “I’m looking for them in bulk.”