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Hard Core Ambitions, Soft Core Realities

, , , | Right | May 28, 2009

Customer: “Hey, I want this tattoo on my arm.” *holds out a piece of paper*

Me: “Okay, let me see…” *looks at the paper* “Are you sure this is right?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m sure. It’s hardcore. You know, HC!”

Me: “Yeah, but I’m not sure if this is right.”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s right. You’re old, so you won’t get it!”

Me: “Okay, so let me get this straight: you want this exact tattoo on your arm?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “You want your tattoo to say this?” *shows him his paper*

Customer: “Yes!”

(I ask him several more times to be sure, but he insists it’s right so I give him his tattoo: “HAR CORE” with the “D” conspicuously absent. After several days of showing how “hard core” he is to his friends, they convince him to come back and get it fixed; it now says “HC”.)


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How About Long Johnson Silver

, , , , , | Right | May 27, 2009

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need that book about the whale and the guy trying to get it.”

Me: “Oh, Moby Dick? It’s right back here.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I don’t want a book about dick! Ew!”

Me: “Um… Moby Dick is about the white whale and Captain Ahab. By Herman Melville. It’s a classic.”

Customer: “Oh. Do you have any copies with a manlier title?”

Masticating Morons

, , , , | Right | May 27, 2009

(A customer walks up to the retail counter with about 70 packs of gum in a canvas shopping bag.)

Me: “Hello, will this be everything for you today?”

Customer: *panicked* “Do you think it will be enough?!”

Me: “Er… enough for what?”

Customer: “For the exam!” *leans forward* “I plan to write my essay one letter at a time on each piece of gum. As I’m taking the exam, I’ll stick them on the desk in front of me, in order. It’s genius!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that will fail on so many different levels.”

A Whole Lotta Latte

, , , , | Right | May 27, 2009

Customer: “Could I have a mug of chino?”

Me: “Sorry… a what?”

Customer: “Mug of chino. I don’t think a cup of chino is enough.”

Me: “…a cappuccino?”

Customer: “No, a mug of it.”

Me: “…”

A Vanessa By Any Other Name

, , , | Right | May 27, 2009

(As I’m ringing an elderly lady’s groceries through, she reads my name tag incorrectly.)

Customer: “Vanessa… Vanessa! That’s such a lovely name.”

Me: “Oh? Yeah, it is.”

Customer: “Vanessa! Vanessa! Vanessa! Vanessa!”

Me: “It’s great, but I’m not–”

Customer: “Your mother has such good taste! Van-ESSA!”

Me: “Thank you, but–”

Customer: “I bet, when you were young, she’d say things like ‘Vanessa! Get over here! You’re such a naughty girl!'”

Me: “Um, something like that…”

Customer: “Well, you have a great day, Vanessa!”