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Microsoft Works

, , | Right | August 27, 2009

Me: “Thanks for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Your website has been timing me out ever since I switched computers.”

Me: “What kind do you use currently?”

Customer: “Mac, using Safari as the browser.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, we did not test the website with Macs, and we know it doesn’t work properly with Safari.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you test with Macs?”

Me: “Most of our customer base use Windows-based PCs, typically with Internet Explorer.”

Customer: “Really? I think everyone should use Macs. Everything runs perfectly on them!”

This story is part of our Ironic Customers roundup!

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See No Evil, Grope No Evil

, , , , , | Right | August 27, 2009

(I’m a man. One of the regular customers at our hardware store is an elderly man named Ernie. Ernie usually came in just after the store opened and there weren’t many customers, so I’d grab a couple of lawn chairs off the shelf and sit out front with him, drinking coffee. Sometimes he’d make fun of my long hair by calling me ‘Missy’ or try to offer me a job as a secretary at his company as a joke, but I shrugged it off. One afternoon, Ernie’s wife comes into the store and encounters the owner.)

Wife: “I’m supposed to drop off these measurements to Jamie for the new kitchen floor they talked about this morning.”

Owner: “You mean Jimmy? He’s the one that talked to Ernie this morning.”

Wife: “I might have the name wrong. My husband said she’s a cute little brunette that wears glasses.”

Owner: “We haven’t had any women working today, ma’am.”

(I walk out of the backroom at this point. Ernie’s wife looks over in my direction, squints a little, and hands the piece of paper to me.)

Wife: “I guess my husband’s vision isn’t what it used to be, sonny.”

Me: “What do you mean, ma’am?”

Wife: “His hearing is gone, too! Don’t worry, sonny. He won’t be trying to play grab-a** with you anymore!”

(Ernie didn’t come in very often after that.)

May We Suggest Hire Education

, , , | Right Working | August 27, 2009

Customer: “Can I have an application to work here?”

Me: “We will need a copy of your resume before you fill out an application.”

Customer: “What’s a resume?”

Me: “A resume lists your work experience and contacts.”

Customer: “Where do I get one?”

Me: “You can find lots of books that tell you the correct way to fill one out.”

Customer: “Can you write one for me?”

Me: “I don’t think you’re gonna get this job.”

Don’t Huff A Book By Its Cover

, , , , | Right | August 26, 2009

(I notice a group of kids come into our library and head back to an unused selection of history books where they are hidden from sight. I go back to ask if they need assistance.)

Me: “Hello, were you looking for anything in particular today?”

Kid #1: “Uh… we’re fine. Just doing a report.” *holds up a book about the county from a few years back*

Me: “Oh, well, we have a newer version that you can borrow. It’ll be more accurate.”

Kid #1: “Well, I like this one. It’ll work fine, thanks.”

Kid #2: “Hey, actually do you have an older book?”

Me: “Sure, does this work?”

Kid #2: “Yeah, thanks!”

Me: “No problem.”

(I go back and talk to my coworker who promptly gets up and heads over to where the kids are. He comes back a few minutes later.)

Me: “What were they doing, anyway?”

Coworker: “They were trying to get high off the old book glue. Lucky that older brand doesn’t work.”

Me: “How’d you get them to leave?”

Coworker: “I told the truth: that most of that dust comes from dead bugs and other people’s skin cells.”

I Once Had A Brain ‘This’ Big

, , , | Right | August 26, 2009

Caller: “I would like to buy a mirror, please.”

Me: “Okay, we have beveled edges, shaped mirrors, plain mirrors. What sort were you after?”

Caller: “Well I just need one to cover this space. So, can you tell me how much it’s going to cost?”

Me: “Sure. I just need to know how big you need it.”

Caller: “What do you need to know that for? It’s just a normal mirror.”

Me: “I need to know the dimensions so I can give you a proper price.”

Caller: “Fine, then. Hang on.” *Few minutes pass.* “Are you there?”

Me: “Yes, I’m here. How big is it?”

Caller: “It’s this big.”

Me: “How big?”

Caller: “I said it’s this big.”

Me: “Are you standing there with your arms out?”

Caller: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Well, because I can’t see how big ‘this’ is. Look, I’ll send out a rep to quote you, okay?”

Caller: “Fine, then. Come as quickly as you can. I’m a busy woman, you know!”

This story is part of our Extra-Stupid-Customers roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Crazy Stories About Water, And People Who So Stupid Their Brain Must Be Dehydrated


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