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Time Is Money

, , , , | Right | August 31, 2009

(A distressed older gentleman approached me, after having used the self-service copy machines.)

Customer: “I only made four copies in black and white and it’s charging me $19.50!”

Me: “Hmm, that’s a bit odd. Did you take your credit card out already, sir?”

Customer: “Yes! And it started charging me!”

Me: “Wait. It shouldn’t be doing something like that…”

Customer: “It is!”

(We walk over to the copy machine in question.)

Customer: *points* “See? It’s even going up to $19.53!”

(One quick glance and I instantly know what’s wrong.)

Me: “Sir, that is the clock.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “Once you eject your card, it goes to the clock, and our card readers are set to 24-hour time.”

Customer: “Ooohhh! Thank you!”

This story is part of our Old People & Technology roundup.

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(Glow)Stick of Bread

, , , | Right | August 28, 2009

(This happened a long time ago, not long after the Chernobyl nuclear reactor meltdown. I am marking bags of bread with large black X’s.)

Customer: “What are the X’s?”

Me: “The bread marked with an X is a day old, so it is half price.”

Customer: “The X means it’s contaminated by Chernobyl, doesn’t it?”

Me: “Nope. Just a day old.”

Customer: *winking and nodding.* “Riiight. Day-old. Gotcha.”

(A couple minutes later the manager comes and tells me to help the frozen food crew empty a freezer that has stopped working. As we are loading the frozen food into carts to take it back to the walk-in freezer, the same customer wanders by. Her eyes suddenly get very wide.)

Customer: “S***! Is there anything here that isn’t radioactive?”

(The customer hastily exited the store, leaving her cart of presumably radioactive groceries behind.)

Bring Home The Bacon

, , , | Right | August 28, 2009

(A customer comes in to pick up a catered BLT tray she had previously ordered over the phone.)

Customer: “I can’t take these; they have bacon on them!”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am, there must have been a mistake. This ticket is for the BLT tray?”

Customer: “Right, that’s right. You shouldn’t put bacon on them! My boss is Jewish!”

Me: “But you did order the BLT?”

Customer: “Right, yes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, there must have been a misunderstanding. The BLT comes with bacon, lettuce, and tomato. I can get a manager to help you correct the order if you’d like.”

Customer: “But my boss is Jewish!”

Me: “I completely understand; we’d be happy to remake the tray for you if you’re willing to wait about ten minutes until we serve the people in our take-out line.”

Customer: “But my boss is Jewish!”

Me: “I understand, and I apologize. We’ll be happy to remake the tray for you without bacon if you can wait just a few minutes.”

Customer: “I can’t wait that long!” (She rips off the tray and starts throwing strips of bacon on the counter. The manager looks up and sees her.)

Manager: “Excuse me, ma’am, that’s against the health code!”

Customer: “But my boss is Jewish!”

Lonely Laptop Seeks Similar For Wi-Fi Hookup

, , , , | Right | August 28, 2009

(A customer comes to our help desk with a laptop that needs service.)

Me: “Okay, we are going to have to send your computer out for service. It’s going to take about ten business days.”

Customer: “What am I going to do?”

Me: “It’s okay, I will provide you with a loaner.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Wow, that is so sad.”

Me: “What is so sad? That you are going to be without your computer?”

Customer: “No, that’s okay. It’s sad that they are lonely computers!”

This story is part of our Weird Words roundup!

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When Fat Cells Out-number Brain Cells

, , , , , | Right | August 27, 2009

(A grocery store customer points to “fat-free” on a gallon of ice cream.)

Customer: “Does that mean I don’t have to pay?”

Me: “No, sir, that means that there is no fat in the ice cream.”

Customer: “So just the fat is free?”

Me: “There is no fat, sir.”

Customer: “I don’t want it then.”