No Wonder He’s Always Stuffed

, , , , | Right | February 11, 2010

(Seated at one of my tables is a grown woman. Placed across from her is a stuffed animal.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. Can I start you off with a drink?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a diet Coke.”

Me: “Okay, one diet–”

Customer: *gestures to stuffed animal* “…and he’ll have your house wine.”

Me: *laughs, playing along* “He doesn’t look over 21, ma’am.”

Customer: *completely serious* “Oh, you’re right. He’ll just have a lemonade, then.”


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Not A Fan Of Spin Doctors

, , , , | Right | February 11, 2010

(I work the front desk at a doctor’s office, and one of the doctors fancies himself a musician. We give out a free copy of his CD when patients check-in.)

Patient: “What is this?”

Me: “Dr. [Name] is a musician and he recorded an album. We’re giving it as a free gift to our patients.”

Patient: “It’s free?”

Me: “Yes, sir!”

Patient: “But there’s a price on the back. It says $5.99.”

Me: “That’s because it is also sold in a few local music stores. But we’re giving it free to patients as a thank you gift.”

Patient: “What are you thanking me for?”

Me: “For being a loyal patient?”

Patient: “And all patients get them?”

Me: “Yes. all patients.”

(The patient looks around the room at the other two patients.)

Patient: “They don’t have CDs!”

Me: “They haven’t checked in yet. When they do, I’ll give them a CD.”

(The patient sits down, but comes back up while I’m helping the next patient. I haven’t given her the CD yet.)

Patient: *to other patient* “Did you get a free CD?”

Other Patient: “Uh… no.”

Patient: *to me* “Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but you clearly gave this to me because you have feelings for me, and I’m just not interested. I think it’s really inappropriate for you to come on to me when I’m here to see the doctor, and you’ve made me very uncomfortable. Please cancel my appointment.”

(I should mention that this guy was clearly out of my age range. That, and I work for a proctologist.)

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Compared To Some Customers, Yes

, , , | Right | February 11, 2010

(A customer is using the self-checkout. Her total is $1.52.)

Customer: “I still owe 52 cents, but all I have is a $10 bill.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I put a dollar bill in, but I still owe 52 cents and all I have is a $10 bill.”

Me: “That’s fine. You can just put the ten in and it will give you the difference back.”

Customer: “Really? The machine is that smart?”

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You Got The Wrong(est) Item

, , , , | Right | February 9, 2010

(A mother approaches me with her daughter.)

Customer: “I’m hosting some of my daughters’ friends for the night and I couldn’t find your condoms.” *puts her hand on her daughter’s head* “Lucy is turning 13.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, condoms! Ketchup and mustard. We’re having a BBQ. It’s simple. Where are they?”

Me: “Oh! Condiments.”

Customer: “Yes, condoms. Where are they?”


This story is part of our Tongue-Tied Customers roundup!

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Age Before Cutie

, , , , | Right | February 9, 2010

(This happens when I am a teenager. I have long hair and sometimes wear it in pigtails. I’m finishing up a transaction with a customer.)

Customer: “Aw, I just love your hair! It looks so cute!”

Me: “Thanks! I like wearing it up like this, but it makes me look younger than I am. I get called ‘hun’ and ‘sweetheart’ a lot when it’s up.”

Customer: *gasps* “Now, you listen here! I’m one of those ones who calls people ‘hun’ and I don’t like your attitude. You need to learn to take a compliment and not be such a brat!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: *grabs her stuff out of my hands, marches away, and slams the door behind her*

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