I’m the idiot here. I am in an art/music history class, and we are talking about Gregorian Chants. I knew full well that they were used long before any recording equipment was around, so I really have no excuse.

Somehow, something the professor said about, “We’re about to listen to a recording of a chant that was found very recently,” tripped up my brain. He meant, “The notes for this tune were found recently,” but I heard, “We found this recording recently.”

On my way out of class, I mentioned to the professor how interesting it was that the woman on the recording sounded like she had modern training, even back then. He gave me a very strange look, but didn’t say anything. It wasn’t until a while later that I realized what I had said.

One of our patients has a procedure in the morning for which he needs to not eat or drink anything for twelve hours prior. This isn’t uncommon before many procedures, and while it’s not pleasant, it’s doable for most people.

Not so with this patient. As soon as the twelve hours start, he rings his call light every fifteen minutes demanding we bring him something to eat. The first few times, his nurse goes in and explains to him why he can’t eat and what the dangers are, and tells him that if he really needs to eat, we can postpone or cancel the procedure — which is not an emergency, but not entirely unelective. He is adamant that he does not want to postpone or cancel, but he demands that we bring him something to eat.

Obviously, we can’t ignore call lights, and so I fall hours behind in my work going into his room every fifteen minutes to reiterate what he already knows: he can eat now and postpone the procedure, or not eat and have it in the morning. He refuses to accept this and insists we bring him something to eat and that we perform the procedure as scheduled.

Around 3:00 in the morning, the call lights finally stop, and we are all relieved, assuming that he has finally fallen asleep. However, while I am catching up on the work I am behind on, I turn the corner to find the stack of dinner trays waiting to be picked up by the cafeteria, and this patient eating off of a used dinner tray. Without saying anything to the patient, and with a certain amount of satisfaction, I call the nurse and tell her she should let the doctor know that his scheduled morning procedure will have to be cancelled.

(The store I work for hires non-violent ex-cons. One of my coworkers was a thief who stole electronics. Recently, some electronics have gone missing. When reports started two weeks ago, he had been here for a few months already. Many have a feeling it’s him but don’t want to falsely accuse just based on past behavior. Our managers have said to keep an eye out and that valuables can be kept in a locked office; an internal investigation is under way and they’ll get the police involved when required. One coworker, however, goes straight up to the ex-thief.)

Coworker: “Hey! I know it’s you. There’s no way it can be anyone else. Hand that mp3 player over. You have no right to get into my bag!” *pushes*

Ex-Thief: “I swear, it’s really not me! Let them investigate.”

Coworker: “No one needs to. You’re a d*** thief and we all know that!”

Manager: “Hey! Calm down. We said we’d investigate. If he’s the thief then he’s going back to jail, but if not, a false accusation is hurtful.”

Coworker: “This is ridiculous. It. Is. Him. I’m calling the police right now.”

Ex-Thief: “You know what? Why not just call the police and get this over with?”

Me: “I think we all know he’s the likely suspect, but he’s innocent until proven guilty.”

Ex-Thief: “[Manager], how about I take a few days off work, perhaps?”

Manager: “I think that would be fine.”

Coworker: “No! He’s going to just leave and we’ll never see him or our missing stuff again!”

(In the end, the managers did an immediate search of the employee room. They found a missing cell phone wrapped in an eyeglass cloth… with the company name which someone remembered that the angry coworker had glasses from. Yes, HE turned out to be the actual thief, and it was proven by security camera later. His “missing” mp3 player turned out to be in his own bag. Police agreed.)

(I work at a bank frequented by businesses. We ask if they can call in change orders for us to have them ready when they get there, but sometimes new people do the deposit and aren’t aware.)

Customer: *holding a handful of cash and a piece of paper with a change order on it* “I need a change order.”

Me: “Okay, sure.”

Customer: *pauses a moment* “Okay, I need $6 in pennies.” *hands me six dollars*

(I wait for her to continue; her list is long.)

Customer: “We’re going to do this one at a time.”

Me: *dies a little inside* “Oh, okay.”

(I then walk back and forth to where my rolls of coin are kept. Finally, at the end…)

Me: “And, for future reference, we do prefer if you call in your change orders so we can have them ready for you.”

Customer: “Oh, really? For this little amount?”

Me: “Yes.”

(She then rolled her eyes and left. Sorry we want to be ready for you when you get here, cranky lady.)

(I’m a receptionist at a nursing home. On this day, all of the administrative staff has gone home on time, so the only staff are maintenance, dining staff, the nurses, and me. I am alone at the front desk when I see the hanger tag on my shirt hanging out for the thousandth time. Seeing as no one else is around, I grab a pair of scissors and cut one side off. I look around again and start cutting the other side, except this side will not cut. As I’m struggling with a pair of scissors by my face, the maintenance man rounds the corner.)

Maintenance: “What are you doing?!”

Me: “Trying to cut the stupid hanger tag off my shirt, but our scissors suck.”

Maintenance: “Do you want some help?”

Me: “Sure!”

Maintenance: “Here, I’ll try it with my knife.”

(Just as he finishes sawing the tag off with his knife, one of the waitresses comes around the corner, and her eyes bulge.)

Me: “It’s not what it looks like! He was cutting the stupid hanger thing off my shirt for me.”

Waitress: “Oooh! God, I hate those stupid things, too.”