(I’m looking for a tow vehicle, just to pull my horse trailer to shows. I write an email to a used car dealership with my budget and my towing capacity needs, saying I need to seat four and that I either need a cab on a truck or a heavy-duty SUV. I get a reply back saying they have something that would suit my needs. I get there and shake hands with the salesperson, and I’m lead out to a surprisingly small SUV. Before I can even look at it, the salesperson insists I get in, and he turns on the radio.)

Salesperson: “You hear that?! This has an amazing sound system!”

Me: “Okay… I really don’t care about that.”

Salesperson: “And plenty of room for car seats in the back!”

Me: “I don’t have kids.”

(At this point, I walk around and realize the SUV doesn’t have a towing hitch at all.)

Me: “You know I can’t tow with this?”

Salesperson: “Oh, you don’t need that! You need to learn to treat you, not what your husband wants. Here, listen to this sound system.”

(I turned on my heels and left, and ranted to my brother that night. The next day he went to the same dealership with my list and was shown several tow-ready trucks and SUVs. I ended up writing a bad review on their Facebook page and got a call back. The salesperson was initially apologetic on the phone, but then said he knew I wasn’t buying that day until I ran it by my husband. I replied that I wasn’t married, but my brother was, and HIS husband would never control him like that. The salesperson hung up on me.)

(I’m subbing for a second-grade class and have just lined them up for recess.)

Me: “[Student], go put your coat on. It’s cold and windy out today.”

Student: “I can’t find it.”

Me: “Check your locker.”

Student: *opens locker* “It’s not here.”

Me: “Is it in your backpack?”

Student: “No. I looked.”

Me: “Is it at your desk?” *checks with her*

Student: “No.”

Me: “Were you wearing a coat when you came to school this morning?”

Student: “I don’t know.”

Me: *sighs* “Okay. Let’s just go outside, and if you get cold tell me.”

Student: “Okay.” *plays for a while then runs over to me* “I’m cold.”

Me: “Go inside and ask the nurse if she has a coat or sweater you can borrow.”

Student: “Okay.”

(She comes back out a few minutes later with a coat TIED AROUND HER WAIST, and plays like that for the rest of recess. Later, at dismissal time:)

Student: “Hey, I found my coat!”

Me: “Oh, good. Where was it?”

Student: “In my backpack.”

(My mom and I are standing in the kitchen, talking. Two of the cats, brothers, have followed us, and are making pests of themselves, presumably begging for treats. One of them has a habit of licking and chewing on my arm when I scratch him in a certain spot. I bend down to pet him, but because of the angle, he can’t reach me, so he lightly bites the next closest thing: his brother’s butt. My mom and I giggle, but then the one that was nipped turns around and lightly kicks the other in the side. This sends us into full-blown laughter as my dad walks in.)

Dad: “What’s so funny?”

Mom: *catching her breath* “Oh, the cats are just being funny.”

Dad: “Oh. Excuse me.”

(He reaches around my mom to grab a plate from the cabinet, and my mom takes the opportunity to poke him in the belly.)

Dad: “Hey!” *pinches my mom on the rear*

(Gee, I wonder where the cats learned it from!)

(There is church up the street from us. I see their sign, and can’t stop laughing.)

Sign: “Easter comes once a year; do you?”

(I work in a pool supply store. Like every business, our hours are posted at the entrance of the store. We are scheduled to be at work 15 minutes before open, as our only pre-opening tasks are to counter the registers and check email. It is currently 17 minutes before open as I pull into the parking lot and walk up to unlock and enter my store. A customer in the parking lot starts walking beside me to the door.)

Customer: “Can you test this water for me?”

Me: “I can once I’m set up. Should be about ten minutes.”

Customer: “I need it done now; I have things to do today! Do you know how much money I spend here? I guess I’m going to your competitor, since you obviously don’t want to help me.”

(I let him walk off without saying a word, knowing full well he’ll be back because all of our competitors are currently closed. Sure enough, he comes back about twenty minutes after we open. My assistant begins testing his pool water.)

Customer: “Let me ask you something. If you owned this store, would you still have treated me like you did earlier?”

Me: “Yes, sir. I have to set up the store in order to be able to assist customers.”

Customer: “Bulls***. You just didn’t want to be bothered. You were too busy drinking your coffee.”

My Assistant: “Sir, we have to put money in the registers before we can open.”

Customer: “You don’t have to count money in order to test my pool water! I spend a ton of money here. Do you think I’m going to rob you?!”

Me: *instead of continuing this pointless exchange, I hand him my business card* “Sir, here is my card, with our corporate number on the back, if you wish to complain further.”

Customer: “I don’t need that. They probably don’t care any more than you do. You need to learn how to run a business. I just don’t understand the youth of today. You’re all lazy!”

Me: “Okay.”

(I remained quiet from there on and let my assistant finish the sample test. The guy left without purchasing anything, mumbling under his breath about my “poor” service. The two customers in line behind him started laughing at him as soon as he left the store. One of those customers was a regular, and he later brought us donuts as a “little something for having to deal with jerks like that.”)