(I am at a picnic with family members and somehow get on the subject of phone backgrounds with a much older cousin.)

Me: “My background right now is a picture of an actor from an old black and white movie from the 50s. I think he’s attractive.”

Cousin: “Who’s the actor?”

Me: “[Actor]. He’s British.”

Cousin: “Oh, he doesn’t look very good now.”

Me: “Wait, you know who he is?”

(I am surprised, because nobody else has recognized the name.)

Cousin: “Yeah, and he’s not very good-looking now.”

Me: “Yeah, I know.”

Cousin: “Well, he’s not.”

Me: *getting a little fed up* “Yes, I know. He died in 1991.”

Cousin: *pause* “Which is why I said he’s not very good-looking anymore.”

(When I was a teenager I had two fillings put into separate back molars. The dentist didn’t wait until I was properly numb to do it, and both of them ended up coming out within the next few days while I was just watching TV. My family wasn’t exactly the best and didn’t believe me when I told them they came out, so I didn’t go back. Fast-forward to about a year ago. I’m out on a date, and I bite down with one of the teeth and the whole thing shatters into five pieces. I make an emergency appointment with the only dentist in town that can take me on such short notice — the dentist from before — and suffer for a day or two until I go in. When the dentist comes in and asks me why I’m there, I tell her about the tooth being shattered. She visibly rolls her eyes at my expense and takes a look, only to freeze in shock.)

Dentist: “Oh! It’s actually shattered. You know, that happens when you don’t get your cavities filled.”

Me: “I’d had it filled before, but it wasn’t done right and came out the next day. I was under eighteen, and my family wouldn’t bring me back.”

Dentist: “And you didn’t eat anything you weren’t supposed to?”

Me: “No, it wasn’t my first filling, and I followed the instructions.”

Dentist: “Well, whoever did the filling obviously didn’t know what they were doing.”

Me: “Well, you’re not too far off the mark, since you’re the one who did it.”

(She suddenly remembered me and actually looked embarrassed. She never apologized, but she was extra careful with explaining my options and giving me a crown — making sure I was properly numb this time — and when I went to pay, she’d knocked down the price a bit. This isn’t the only horrible story I have about her, but this was the last time I let her work on me. I’m glad we finally got a new practice in town and I can go somewhere else.)

(It is currently around nine pm. I’ve found a new “island grill” near me and decided to check it out. Their online hours say they are still open for a couple of hours, and when I arrive, there is a lit “OPEN” sign above the door. The hours next to the door agree that they should be open for two more hours. However, when I try and open the door, it is locked. I try pushing and pulling, then peer through and knock on the glass. There are a couple of people eating on the far side of the small eating area, but they don’t look over from their conversation. Finally, a pimply-faced teenager comes out from the kitchen area and pushes open the door.)

Employee #1: “We’re closing.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. Your hours say that you are open until 11.”

Employee #1: “We are.”

Me: “It’s only nine pm.”

(I hold up my phone to show the time. The employee stares at me silently for several moments.)

Employee #1: “We need time to clean.”

(Before I can respond to that, he shuts the door in my face and stalks off. I knock on the glass again, but no one responds. I consider waiting for the other people to exit, but that just feels creepy, so instead, I pull up the website and dial their contact number. A woman answers.)

Employee #2: “[Restaurant], how may I help you?”

Me: “Hi. I was wanting to come in tonight, and wanted to confirm when your closing time was.”

Employee #2: “We are open until 11 pm tonight.”

Me: “At the location at [Address], right? Because your front door has been locked.”

Employee #2: “What? Hold on for a moment.”

(After a couple of seconds, the woman comes out from the back, sees me, waves, and then walks over. She fiddles with the doors, apparently unlocking them, before pushing them open.)

Employee #2: “I’m so sorry about that; I don’t know how that happened.”

Me: “Well…”

(Before I can say anything, the first employee comes running out.)

Employee #1: “We’re closing!”

Employee #2: “What? [Employee #1], we don’t close until 11.”

Employee #1: “But we need time to clean!”

Employee #2: *glancing between me and the teenager* “Could you… please wait by the register? [Employee #1], we need to talk.”

(I ended up waiting about ten more minutes before the second employee came back. She only offered the explanation, “He’s new.” The food itself was pretty good, I’m just wondering how they couldn’t wonder why business had suddenly slacked off when one of their employees locked the front doors.)

(I used to work for a federal student loan company. One would think students and parents of students would understand what they were getting into… but that’s not always the case.)

Customer: “What do you mean, I have to pay these? I took them out for my kid to go to school! They should have to pay them back!”

Me: “I understand where you are coming from, but when you agreed to take out the loan, it went into your name and details, not the benefiting student’s name and details. If they choose not to pay it, then it will ultimately fall back on you as the one who took out the loan.”

Customer: *has a ten-year repayment plan and is only two months into it* “I’ve paid on this forever. I don’t want to pay anymore. How can I get it forgiven?”

(My grandma has come for a visit all the way from Romania. She’s a quirky type and pretty superstitious.The results can be either awkward or funny. Example #1: We’re having dinner and my brother bites his tongue.)

Grandma: *translated* “Someone recently told a lie.”

Eight-Year-Old Brother: “What did she say?”

Me: “Biting your tongue during a meal means you told a lie recently and you’ll have bad luck until you tell the truth.”

Eight-Year-Old Brother: *blushing* “I was the one that dug up the flowers, not [Dog].”

(Example #2:)

Mom: “My eye keeps twitching.”

Grandma: *with her back turned, cooking* “Left or right?”

Mom: “Left. Why?”

Grandma: “Something’s going to disappoint you.”

(As if on cue, my twin brother and I come back from school.)

Twin: “Hey, Mom, you look wonderful today.”

Mom: “What did you do?”

Twin: “I failed my English test.”

(Example #3:)

Grandma: *translated* “Don’t stay in the corner of the table, [My Name] or you’ll never get married.”

Inner Me: “I wasn’t interested in getting married, anyway.”

Outer Me: “Sure, Grandma. I’ll move right away.”