(I work at an independent used bookstore.)
Me: “All right, sir, the total is $32.10.”
Customer: “What forms of currency do you take?”
Me: “We accept all major credit cards, sir—”
Customer: “No, no. Currency. What types of currency do you take?”
Me: “Um, all forms of legal American currency, sir.”
Customer: “Great!”
(He then proceeded to pull out rolls of half-dollar coins and pay for the entire purchase in 50-cent pieces.)
(A woman who frequents my store has a habit of buying something on sale, usually with additional coupons and price matching– or complaining until we make up a discount for her — then “forgetting” her receipt upon return. Without a receipt, an item must be returned for the price that day. Many of us are aware of what she is doing, but we cannot call her on it or refuse the return because we “think” she’s scamming us. On this day, I am on register. I see her walking toward the store from the parking lot and notify my manager. She comes to the front and tells me to go straighten up a nearby shelf. The woman enters with an aquarium filtration system in her cart. Today, this system is $200.)
Customer: “I want my money back.”
Manager: “Welcome to [Store]. Do you have your receipt?”
Customer: “Just give me my money.”
Manager: “Could I get your phone number or membership card?”
Customer: *rattles off phone number* “Why?”
Manager: “Without your receipt, I can only give you store credit. Do you remember how you paid?”
Customer: “My bank card! Are you going to give my money back or do I have to call corporate again?”
Manager: “I apologize for your wait, ma’am. I was just researching your receipt history.”
Customer: “That’s an invasion of privacy! The manager always gives me cash.”
Manager: “Which manager is that?”
Customer: “Oh, uh, some guy.”
Manager: “Right. Okay, I see that you purchased this filter a little over a week ago.”
Customer: “Well—”
Manager: “And after the membership discount and what appears to be a price match, you paid $90. That’s a great deal!”
Customer: “But—”
Manager: “Your money will be credited to the account linked to the card ending in [numbers].”
Customer: “I want the full $200! This is ridiculous!”
Manager: “Just following policy, ma’am. Your money will be credited to your account in three to five business days, depending on your bank. Have a nice day!”
(My manager then took the cart from the woman and walked to the back of the store without another word.)
(I am going door to door for a City Council candidate.)
Me: “Hello, I’m out today supporting [Candidate] for City Council. I was wondering if he could count on your support in the election?”
Voter: “You know it is illegal for you to ask me that. There is a reason they call it a secret ballot.”
(This isn’t true. It is completely legal to discuss who you are voting for with anyone as well as who they are voting for; you just can’t require someone in any way to disclose who they vote for.)
Me: “That’s all right. Just so you know, ballots need to be turned in by Tuesday. Make sure to turn yours in, and I hope [Candidate] has earned your vote.”
Voter: “Maybe he has; maybe he hasn’t. Would you be willing to give me $10? That might push me in [Candidate]’s direction.”
Me: “It literally is illegal for you to ask me that!“
(My coworker created a deli-themed rapper alter-ego for himself. Sometimes when we’re not busy, he talks about what his alter-ego would sing about or what his concerts would be like.)
Coworker: “What do you think about this for the cover of the [Deli-Themed Rapper] album?”
(He crouches down with a box of fried chicken in his hand and tries to look tough.)
Me: “I think you should turn around and be like Nicki Minaj.”
(He and our other coworker crack up.)
Me: “My album cover would be my headless body slicing my head on the slicer, while it looks at you and grins horribly.”
Coworker: “Dude, that’s awesome.”
Me: “It’s like something out of Garbage Pail Kids. Or Iron Maiden, if they did deli stuff.”
Coworker: “I think, ‘Iron Maiden if they did deli stuff,’ might be the weirdest phrase I’ve heard all week.”
Me: “Cool. My job is done!”
(One afternoon a customer walks in and orders a $3 item. He pays with a $5 bill and the coins needed to get a flat amount back. Before I can give him his change, he pulls three $1s out of his pocket.)
Customer: “I just realized I had these extra dollars on me. Think I could give you these then you could give me a $5 back?”
Me: “Not a problem.” *completes the transaction* “You know, this kind of looks like you spent $3, only to be given $5 and a drink.”
Customer: “What? How? Explain this to me.”
Me: “Ignoring the coins, your order was $3. You gave me $5, for $2 change. Then you handed me $3 so I combined them—”
Customer: “And I got my $5 back.”
Me: “And you got your $5 back.”
Customer: *laughs* “Okay. Tell me that one more time.”
(We ended up repeating this conversation three more times, the customer laughing harder each repeat. In the end, he thought it was amusing enough to let me keep the change!)
