(At the place where I work, there is one student who aspires to be a problem child as often as he can most days. I am frequently saying things like, “[STUDENT], please use your indoor voice,” or, “[STUDENT], please keep your hands to yourself,” but this one takes the cake.)

Me: “[STUDENT], please stop sexually harassing Barbie. I never thought I’d have to say that, but I did.”

(It’s about twenty minutes to closing time, and the overnight shift has begun restocking. A newer coworker and I are working in the shampoo aisle. A customer walks up with a cell phone to his ear. He peers at the shelves for a minute, and then asks my coworker a question. A moment later I look up to see my coworker throwing me a pleading look.)

Coworker: “[My Name]? Can you help this customer?”

Me: “Sure. What are you looking for?”

Customer: “Do you have [Brand] caramel shampoo?”

Me: *blinks* “Caramel?”

Customer: *to the phone* “Let me call you back.” *to me* “Yeah, caramel.”

(I go to the display.)

Me: “All of the [Brand] products we have are going to be in this section.”

(I pick up a bottle that’s supposed to strengthen hair.)

Me: “Could you be thinking of keratin?”

Customer: “No, she definitely said caramel.”

(He calls the other person back and loiters in the aisle, standing so we can’t move around him, for about five minutes, peering at the display. Then he picks a bottle — the keratin one I’d showed him — and walks off, thanking us. I look at my coworker and we laugh.)

Coworker: “I thought I was mishearing! ‘She said caramel!’ Like candy!”

Me: “I’m really sure she didn’t!”

(I work in a store that sells religious goods. We also sell wholesale to churches and other religious institutions. My coworker handles many of these accounts. We all answer the phones, and callers often ask to speak to [Coworker].)

Me: “[Coworker], Christ the King is on the phone

Coworker: “…”

Me: “Well, not Him personally.”

(Dad holds up four fingers.)

Dad: “I need three pills.”

Me: “Are you sure? You’re holding up four fingers.”

Dad: “Well, I was only looking at three of them.”

(My husband and I are driving along a fairly busy four-lane highway, in the left-hand lane. We are on our way to look at a furniture sale. He is driving and I am looking through the sales paper at the deals the store is offering that weekend. Suddenly, my husband hit his brakes.)

Husband: “S***!”

Me: *dropping the paper and looking up* “What happened?”

Husband: “Look in front of us! This lady is crazy!”

(A middle-aged woman in an Infinity has just zipped in between our truck and the SUV we were driving behind. She is so close to the SUV, it looks like she’s attached herself to its bumper. Even after hitting the brakes, we are also still incredibly close to her at the moment, too. Keep in mind, we are in my husband’s Ford F-150, and the SUV ahead of us is pretty large, too. If [Husband] hadn’t been paying attention, this lady in her Infinity would have gotten crushed between the two when she suddenly pulled between us like that.)

Me: “She seems to be swerving a little… Maybe we should write down her license plate?”

(As soon as I say this, she suddenly swerves over again into the right-hand lane, then all the way over into the paved shoulder of the road. She then USES THE SHOULDER to pass several people before swerving back into the actual traffic lanes! She continues to do this, even almost hitting a guardrail head-on when she whips back into the shoulder to pass another car in the right-hand lane.)

Me: “Oh, my God! She’s going to kill someone!”

Husband: “Where are all those highway patrol cars we saw out here last weekend? One would be nice right about now. Did you get her license plate?”

Me: “No, I wish I had, though. Seriously, she is going to cause an accident!”

(The lady is soon out of sight. About ten minutes later, we notice traffic slowing down and see a minivan pulling off into the center-median area that separates the east and westbound lanes.)

Husband: “You don’t think she crashed, do you?”

Me: “I’m not sure. We’re about to find out.”

(It wasn’t the Infinity, but another car that had gone into the median and was now straddling the wire fence running down the middle. The person in the mini-van was already out of their car and checking on the person in the Honda. We slowed and pulled into the median to ask if we needed to call 911, but the first person who stopped had already done so, and it seemed like the person who wrecked was shaken up, but not seriously injured. Apparently, “someone” had swerved in front of him and he over-corrected, ending up in the median. The “someone” kept on driving.)