(A few weeks ago, my 17-year-old son totaled his car. Today, I received an automated call from the dealership, reminding us that the car was past due for an oil change and tire rotation. I call them back to explain that the car has been totaled and that they need to remove our number from that system.)

Me: “Hi, I just received a call stating that we need to bring the car in for service.”

Dealership: “Okay, we can schedule you for next Tuesday. How’s 9:00?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, but the car was totaled in an accident. We don’t need service on it anymore.”

Dealership: “All cars need service, ma’am, to ensure they run properly and to keep your warranty valid.”

Me: “You’re not listening to me. The car was totaled. It’s dead. It doesn’t need service anymore.”

Dealership: “I can probably fit you in on Friday at 2:00, but you may need to wait.”

Me: “Again, you’re not listening. The car is dead. It was hauled off to the junkyard. It will never need servicing again. I’d like you to remove us from the calling list since we no longer own the car.”

Dealership: “You don’t own the car?”

Me: “Not anymore.”

Dealership: *long pause* “Who did you sell it to? We can arrange service for them.”

Me: *trying to remain calm* “We didn’t sell it. It was totaled in an accident. Do you know what ‘totaled’ means?”

Dealership: “I—”

Me: “It’s dead. It was in a fatal accident. The entire right side was smashed up and a wheel fell off. The insurance company officially totaled the car, and it’s now in a junkyard. Why is that so hard for you to understand? We no longer own the car and we don’t need to receive any more maintenance reminder calls.”

(She finally gets the message, and takes down my name and the vehicle type.)

Dealership: “Can I get your phone number in case someone needs to call you back?”

Me: “What for? The car’s dead. Stop calling us to schedule maintenance. There’s no need for anyone to call us back for anything.”

(I had never before been in a situation where I felt the desire to start quoting Monty Python’s Dead Parrot sketch, but if she couldn’t understand what it means to call a car dead or totaled, she certainly wouldn’t have understood if I started calling it an “ex-car.”)

A brand new car wash opened and promised free car washes for anyone in line on the first day. My grandmother was the very first person in line. When she went in, she managed to put her car in gear. It jumped the track and she stomped on the gas instead of the brake. As a result the car rammed into the equipment and seriously damaged it.

The car wash had to close down for almost a month for repairs. When it finally opened again, my grandmother went back and asked them when she would get her free car wash. The response she received was a little less than positive.

(I have just finished ringing up a customer I’d been working with for about half an hour. She was in quite a hurry as she had a formal event that night and was going right from the store to her hair appointment. She had just left to run to the restroom before leaving, so I am surprised when she comes to find me a few minutes later.)

Customer: “I was just in the restroom and realized I didn’t have my bag. I don’t remember ever having it.”

(We look all around the department before the customer says she has to go. I get her information so I can get back in touch with her. I call security, and she saw on the camera where I’d given the customer her bag, but we stopped to look at some lipsticks a little ways away, and the camera couldn’t see us. I asked the customer service manager what to do.)

Me: “Can I grab her three products and get them to her? If we find her bag, we can just put them back, and if not, we can do an inventory adjustment.” *we are quite well-known for our customer service, so this is not an outrageous request*

Manager: “That’s really up to you. If you think she’s on the up-and-up, then go for it. You’ll probably get a customer for life out of it.”

Me: “I totally believe her. I’m pretty sure someone accidentally picked up her bag, because it was so busy and there were a lot of people around.”

(I quickly grabbed the three products the customer had purchased and was filling out a form so I could deliver them to her house when my coworker came and got me.)

Coworker: “Hey, a customer just called and said she picked up someone else’s bag by mistake. It had some [Brand] in it. Did you sell that to someone?”

Me: “Yes! I’m just about to deliver some replacements to that customer.”

Coworker: “Well, this lady said she’d bring the bag back tonight.”

(I got to take care of my customer, who was totally sweet and wanted to pay for the replacements I brought her because she didn’t want me to get in trouble. And the other customer brought the bag back with all of the items in it. Faith in humanity: restored. For the time being…)

(As part of my job I sometimes have to confirm a candidates date of birth or Social Security number as part of their hiring process. I get this call today:)

Me: “Good afternoon, this is [My Name]. How may I help?”

Applicant: “I got an email that you need to verify some information?”

Me: *after getting her name so I could look up her file* “Okay, it looks like we just need to verify your SSN. Could I get that, please?”

Applicant: *hesitates a moment* “You want me to say it out loud?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I can’t read your mind, so, yes?”

(I’m working the fitting room when a middle-aged woman calls.)

Customer: “I bought a black and white, three-quarter-length dress, and YOU guys left it in the store!”

Me: “Let me see what I can do for you.”

(I radio my manager, who tells me there’s nothing up front that matches the woman’s description. He then feeds me information to relay to her.)

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but it’s not up-front anymore. If you could come in with your receipt, we’d be more than happy to—”

Customer: “I KNOW I bought it! I bought it at exactly 3:47 today!”

Me: “Ma’am, we cannot refund you or get you your dress over the pho—”

Customer: “Get me your manager.”

(I did as told, wondering if this woman thought we had a delivery service or could fax her the dress or what, and also how it could possibly be our fault that she left her purchase at the register. It wasn’t until we’re getting ready to close that I learned that my manager had gone through security footage and found she had the garment when she left. She then called back while I was on break — apparently it had fallen on her closet floor.)