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Ill-Timed Intervention

, , , , | Right | April 30, 2009

Me: Hi, ma’am. How can I help you on this fine Sunday afternoon?”

Lady: “I need to talk to the owner.”

Me: “She’s not in today, ma’am. If you’d like to–”

Lady: “I need to talk to her NOW! I have a message from GOD!”

Me: “…”

Lady: “…” *glares*

Me: “Well, she’s still not in. If you wanna leave a message…”

Lady: “You don’t understand! God Himself has sent me here with a message for her; it’s important and needs to be delivered today, right now!”

Me: “God sent you here?”

Lady: “Yes, to deliver an important message to the owner.”

Me: *leaning across the counter, eyebrows raised* “Um… wouldn’t God know that the owner never works on Sundays?”

(She freaks out and begins ranting incoherently about how God will strike us down. Then she throws some things and leaves, slamming the door.)

Me: “Have a good day!”

Confuse ’em With Kindness

, , , , | Right | April 30, 2009

(I am working as a cashier at a small farm stand and a man comes to purchase.)

Me: “Hello, how are you doing today?”

Customer: “I’m good. You?”

Me: “Very well, thank–”

Customer: “You d*** teenagers! None of you have any manners anymore! I swear, I have no idea–wait. What did you say again?”

Me: “Very well, thank you.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(I finish totalling his purchase, he pays.)

Me: “Thank you so very much, kind sir. I certainly hope you have the most wonderful day. Please come back soon, if you wish.”

Customer: *sheepishly* “… thanks…”


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Ah, Love/Hate Relationships

, , , | Right | April 30, 2009

(A woman and her boyfriend walk into the store and up to the cake showcase.)

Me: “Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need a cake for my sister’s birthday. I want that one…” *points to the cake of her choice*

Me: “Would you like me to write anything on it?”

Customer: “Yeah, put ‘Happy Birthday, [Sister’s Name]’. No, wait… make that, ‘Happy Birthday, Slut’.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Do you think you should put that on her birthday cake?”

Customer: “Yeah, why not? She a slut!”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Yeah, you right.”

Customer: *motions to me* “Go on, write that!”

(I go into the back to write “Happy Birthday, Slut,” and bring the cake back out.)

Customer: “Oh, that’s perfect! Thank you!”

Me: “… have a nice day, ma’am.”

Burned With Goblets Of Fire, No Doubt

, , , , , | Right | April 30, 2009

(This happened quite a few years ago, but it’s still one of my fondest bookstore memories.)

Customer: “Do you happen to sell that Harry Potter book?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we do. Would you like me to show you where they are?”

Customer: “If it’s no trouble…”

Me: “No trouble at all. ”

(I lead him over to the children’s section and hand him the first book in the series.)

Me: “Here you are. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “No, I think that’s all I need.”

(The customer shovels a dozen copies of the same book into his arms.)

Customer: “The church is having a book burning tonight and I just need to make sure I bring enough.”

Me: *laughs*

Customer: *completely serious* “I’m not joking.”

Me: “Oh. Well, you do realize that there are now four books in the series?”


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Advice Is Cheap, Especially From Opposing Counsel

, , , , | Legal Right | April 29, 2009

Me: “This is [Law Firm]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I’m calling about the court date tomorrow. Do I have to appear there?”

Me: “Well… I see from the file that you are the defendant, while we represent the plaintiff. Did I get that right?”

Caller: “Yes. Do I have to appear there?”

Me: “You do realize that you are talking to your opponent’s lawyer?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, okay. You don’t really have to appear. If you don’t appear in court, you’ll lose the case, though, because you’re not represented by anybody else.”

Caller: “So, I don’t have to appear there?”

Me: “No, not in the strict sense of the word ‘have to.’ But you do realize that you are calling the opposite lawyer, don’t you?”

Caller: “Yes, I do.”

Me: “Very well. I take you won’t come, then?”

Caller: “No, I won’t.”

Me: “Okay, very well. Thanks for the call.”

Caller: “Goodbye, and thanks for the advice!”