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Ix Nay On The Eesh Squeesh

, , , , | Right | October 7, 2009

Me: “Do you want anything else with your sandwich?”

Customer: “Peppers, olives, and eesh squeesh.”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Customer: “Peppers, olives, eesh squeesh.”

Me: “Eesh squeesh? ”

Customer: “Yeah, eesh squeesh. Right there.” *points at the onions*

Me: “You mean onions?”

Customer: “Yeah, eesh squeesh.”


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The Beginnings Of A Three Hour Cruise

, , , , | Right | October 7, 2009

(A man in fishing boots has been standing at our bookstore’s help counter for fifteen minutes. Every time someone comes to ask for an item, the man interrupts me and “helps” the customer find whatever they are looking for.)

Customer: “Excuse me, ma’am. I’m trying to find a cookbook with vegan recipes and I was wondering if you could give me some titles?”

Me: “Well, we have several titles by Isa Chandra Moskowitz–”

Fisherman: “Vegans? What the h*** are vegans?!”

Me: “People who don’t eat any sort of animal product. Honey, gelatin, that sort of–”

Fisherman: “D***ed intellectuals don’t know anything about eatin’! Vegans are those folks who go fishin’ by throwin’ a car battery over the side of the boat! I KNOW where THOSE books are, and I’LL SHOW YA!”

(He grabbed the customer by the hand and dragged her off down an aisle. I didn’t see either of them again, which worries me to this day.)


This story is part of our Vegan Roundup!

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If The Zits Don’t Kill You, The Angst Will

, , , , , | Healthy Right | October 6, 2009

Me: Hello this is [Doctor’s Office]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”

(From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)

Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”

Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead… and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”

Me: “Hon, that’s a pimple, not a nipple.”

Caller: “Oh…” *gasps* “Is it deadly?”

Not How You A-Dress A Customer

, , , | Right | October 6, 2009

Me: “Hello, [Pizza Delivery]. Can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to order some pizzas, please.”

Me: “No problem.”

(The call proceeds normally; she orders two pizzas and we make a little small talk.)

Customer: “Can you deliver them, please?”

Me: “Sure, address?”

Customer: *long pause* “Pardon?”

Me: “The address?”

Customer: *long pause again* “I’d like to speak to your manager now, please.”

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Just put your manager on!”

(I call my manager over.)

Manager: “Hello, what appears to be the issue?”

(The manager talks with the customer for a while. He eventually hangs up, throws the order slip in the trash, and bursts out laughing.)

Me: “What was all that about?”

Manager: “She thought you were asking if she was wearing ‘a dress’ and wanted to complain.”

All-In-Wonder

, , , , | Right | October 6, 2009

Me: “IT Helpdesk at [University]. How can I assist you today?”

Caller: “Hello. You folks were supposed to give me a new computer. I have a note on my desk with the new log-in and everything, but there’s no computer here!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. May I have your name so I can look up your ticket? ”

(She gives me her name and I look her up in our work order system. I recognize the ticket, as I was the person who set up the computer for her while she was out of the office.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, I’ve found your ticket. I was actually the tech who set this up for you. I know everything was delivered properly and I watched as the department secretary locked the door to your office when I was finished. But you’re saying that there’s no computer there now?”

Caller: “Nope, no computer here. Just a keyboard, mouse, and screen. The door was locked this morning when I came in.”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, you said that there are a keyboard, a mouse, and a screen?”

Caller: “Yes, a keyboard, a mouse, and a screen. No computer.”

Me: “I think I see the problem. The computer that we upgraded you to is called an iMac. It doesn’t have a separate tower unit. The whole computer is there in that screen.”

Caller: “No…”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Caller: “You cannot be serious!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I assure you.”

Caller: “Are you trying to play a joke on me, young man?”

Me: “No, ma’am. The whole computer is contained in that one unit. Have you tried turning it on? There should be a button on the back.”

Caller: “No… you can’t be serious!”

Me: “Please, just try turning on the computer. There should be a button on the back on the left-hand side.”

Caller: “Hold on…”

(In the background I hear the Apple boot sound.)

Caller: “Goodness!”

Me: “All right, just follow the directions for logging in that I left for you. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “This is amazing, young man!”

Me: “I’m glad! Let us know if there’s anything else you need. Have a nice day!”

Caller: “I’m sure I will!”


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