(I am on the phone with a relative of mine who is in his late 80s. We are talking about the benefits that my retired military husband receives from the government.)

Me: “Did you hear that [Husband] just got a job with [Major Defense Contractor]? He was only looking for a job for a few weeks! They are trying to add over 3,000 jobs at that single facility within the next five years!”

Relative: “He will only have it as long as Trump is in office! Once we get a democrat in office, that job will go away!”

Me: “Um… [Relative], did you know that the spending bill that is paying for those jobs was authorized under Obama?”

Relative: “But the democrats will cut his retirement pay and his VA disability benefits!”

Me: “No, they won’t! It would take a major act of Congress to remove those benefits. I also get four years of free education from the VA because [Husband] is 100% disabled.”

Relative: “I’m surprised that the democrats allowed [Husband] to give his GI Bill to you!”

Me: “[Relative], they aren’t going to cut any benefits! Most of America, democrat, republican, etc., believe that the military and their families deserve the best that our country can give us. We get military discounts around here all the time. People always thank [Husband] for his service any time he wears his Air Force stuff.”

Relative: “If that’s what you want to believe!”

(I then spotted a deer in the pasture by my front porch — we live on a farm — and changed the subject to talking about the deer.)

(After a long, busy morning, I have finally reached my lunch break. I have just settled into my favorite spot near the coat racks when one of the ladies who works in production appears. She is one of those small ladies with the face of a teenager and the heart of a child. She looks like she wants to go for her coat but seems a little hesitant to walk past me. Wanting to put her at ease so she’ll move along, I politely greet her. That seems to work as she becomes noticeably more calm and she continues on what she was doing. As she starts to leave, she stops and gets a silly grin on her face. She points off to the side of me.)

Lady: “There’s someone behind you.”

(I know for a fact there is a wall not three inches behind my back, so there clearly is no way there could be anyone there. It is pretty obvious that she is going for a “made you look” style prank. While I don’t like pranks, I figure getting annoyed at her for such a minor thing will do no one any good, and I am too tired from the morning shift I’ve just done to fight anything. Still, I don’t feel like letting her win.)

Me: “That’s nice, but if they want my spot, they are going to have to wait.”

(Despite not fooling me into looking, she continues to smile for some reason. She starts to leave, but then stops and quietly mumbles something I don’t pick up.)

Me: “What?”

Lady: *big smile* “I lied. There was nobody behind you. I fooled you.”

Me: *surprised* “Um… Oh. Okay.”

(With that, she left in a good mood and a spring in her step. I may have still ended up at the bum end of a prank, but I honestly can’t be mad here. In a way, she did actually get me. And it was honestly kind of adorable.)

(I witness this while stocking an aisle one summer. I work in a smaller store in a tourist town, so there is one counter for both fish and meat.)

Customer: “These lobsters look sick.”

Clerk: “They look healthy to me; they are wandering around in the tank pretty normally.”

Customer: “But they’re not red!”

Clerk: “Their shells turn red when you cook them.”

Customer: “I have to cook them?!”

(I hated working in a tourist town.)

(My high school driver’s education teacher loves telling this story about a girl who graduated a few years before me. The girl is practicing driving around town while the teacher quizzes her on different signs and rules along the way.)

Teacher: “Who has the right of way if you’re turning left?”

Me: “The other car.”

Teacher: “What’s that sign; the yellow triangle with a curved arrow?”

Girl: “Sharp turn ahead.”

Teacher: “What if it has a squiggly arrow?”

Girl: “Wavy road?”

Teacher: “Okay. Let’s go down this hill here. What about that sign?”

Girl: *reads the sign aloud* “Brake retarders prohibited.” *she gasps* ” Mr. [Teacher]! That’s terrible!”

Teacher: “Why?”

Girl: “That’s racist!”

(Apparently, my teacher was so shocked he made her pull over and wouldn’t let her drive anymore. He explained what it actually meant and the girl was embarrassed, but he still couldn’t believe she had said that. And yes, she has her license.)

(During my daughter’s first well-child visit after bringing her home from the hospital, I have what I think is a pretty standard question for the pediatrician:)

Me: “Can I ask you about vaccinations?”

Doctor: *gets this look on his face like he’s worried he’s about to be yelled at* “Um, okay?”

Me: “When we have scheduled vaccinations, can you give us a schedule for when various immunizations are scheduled, what they’re for, and what sorts of signs we should be looking for in a potential reaction?”

Doctor: *relaxes noticeably* “Oh, yeah. In fact, that’s all in the printout and if you want, we can talk through it at each visit.”

Me: “You looked like you were afraid I was going to go off on you or something. Does that really happen?”

Doctor: “You have no idea.”