Damaged Goods, And We’re Not Talking Groceries

, , , | Right | November 12, 2007

(A coworker is bagging groceries as I ring them up)

Customer: *to my coworker* “Wait! Don’t pack them like that! Honestly, it’s as if no one understands how to pack bags anymore!”

Coworker: *looking down at a loaf of bread on top of some grapefruits in a paper bag* “How do you want them packed?”

Customer: “Clearly the bread needs to go on the bottom! I don’t want the grapefruits to get damaged; they’re fragile!”

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Oh Give Me a Home, Where The Jackalopes Roam

, , , | Right | November 11, 2007

Little Boy: “What are those?”

Zookeeper: “That’s a Cavy.”

(Cavies are another name for guinea pigs.)

Little Boy’s Father: “No, they’re not. They’re Jack-a-lopes. But I don’t see any antlers, so they must all be does.”


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That’s Nothing A Little Duct Tape Can’t Fix

, , , , | Right | November 11, 2007

Customer: “I want a computer where I can type in Russian and it will print in English.”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid we don’t have Russian keyboards.”

Customer: “No, that’s fine. I’ll just tape Russian letters on.”

Me: “Sir, it will still be an English keyboard.”

Customer: “Okay, so what if I glue the letters on?”

Me: *thunk thunk thunk* “Still English.”

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How Do These People Remember How To Breathe?

, , , , | Right | November 10, 2007

(An older lady comes into the store. She doesn’t know me, yet decides to make me intimately knowledgeable about her husband’s surgery. She eventually runs out of steam when I don’t respond and looks around at the books on the shelves.)

Lady: “I like books.”

Me: “Good! Anything you’re looking for?”

Lady: *ignores my question* “I saw on TV that books are good to have because they make your house look nice.”

Me: *barely stifling a smile* “Really? I heard they’re also good to read.”

(Evidently, my comment goes right over her head.)

Lady: “And you can use them to prop up the bed.”

(Her husband buys books and then swiftly escorts her out.)


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It’s Not My Fault, Even Though It Is

, , | Right | November 10, 2007

Lady: “Hi, I was wondering if I could return some rotten milk? Or get it replaced, or a refund or something.”

Me: “Well, when did you buy it?”

Lady: “A week ago.”

Me: “Okay, when did it expire?”

Lady: “Yesterday.”

Me: “So, you bought it before the expiration date, then it expired. Correct?”

Lady: “Um, yeah, I guess so…”

Me: “We can’t return that, then.”

Lady: “WHAT THE F***! ARE YOU F****** KIDDING ME?!”

Me: “Are you serious? You bought it before it expired, kept it until AFTER it expired, and now want to return it?”

Lady: “WELL YOU HAVE A NICE F****** DAY!”

Me: “You too, ma’am.”

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