I happen to work at a library that has its fair share of, well, interesting people. And by “interesting,” I mean “dangerous and unpredictable.” We have the ignominious distinction of being the only library in the area that has a full-time security staff.

One regular is a guy who likes to stalk, bully, sexually harass, and intimidate women while drunk on alcohol. Technically, people can come to my library off-their-rear-ends drunk, and we’re not allowed to kick them out unless they prove disruptive, which is beyond stupid, if you ask me. This guy comes up to me and tries to bully me into giving him a dollar to buy headphones. I tell him no, because A, not library policy, and B, he is responsible for his own personal needs. He reacts so loudly and violently that I try to call 911, but I can’t get a signal. He thinks that’s hilarious, and laughs in my face while reeking of vodka. He actually has the gall to drink it right in front of me! I finally get the guy to back off, but he still goes out of his way to be a bullying jerk the entire time.

Later, after we close, I see him hanging around outside. He keeps approaching random women who are sitting down, and shouting in their faces, still visibly drunk. Not liking where this is going, I call 911 on my cell phone. The cops show up six minutes later. I have already left so I didn’t see him get arrested.

I tell my boss what happened. He agrees we should ban him from the property for ninety days for his behavior. Two weeks later, I have the happy pleasure of serving him the paperwork. He tries to wriggle out of it, claiming his identity was stolen, but he still leaves.

Fast forward about three months. Management decides to rescind the ban, thinking he’s been punished adequately.

He thinks that he can get away with the same stuff as before, so he decides to call a little old lady a sexual slur for the fun of it, while drunk again. Only this time, the old lady decides to complain to a female police officer who happens to be in the building. The officer drags the guy by the arm to escort him out of the building. He is loudly asking what law has he broken, and using all kinds of terrible language, when he suddenly reaches into his pocket. Because she’s a cop, this ends with her wrestling him to the ground and holding him there. The whole time she’s waiting for backup, he won’t stop screaming about how he’s going to sue everyone, calling the officer all kinds of sexual and racial slurs, and causing quite the large crowd to gather, me included. I smile enormously as he sits there and suffers the full penalty for his sins.

I get to watch as ten cops — ten! — show up in six minutes.

I don’t care how much hate it gets me. I enjoy that immensely.

This time, he’s banned for a year. And if he tries to sneak in again — which is not uncommon — I will have the pleasure of reminding him what took place that day.

I don’t think he’ll try anything.

(The phone rings; I answer.)

Me: “Good morning. [Auto Shop]. This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. So, my wife just locked the keys in the car.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “So, the problem is that she left the car running.”

Me: “Okay. How can I help you?”

Customer: “We have a spare key. Will that open the door?”

(I am a housekeeping supervisor at a hotel, and I am manning the phones during the afternoon shift. The phone rings. It is my colleague from the front desk.)

Me: “Thank you for calling housekeeping. This is [My Name]; how may I assist you?”

Colleague: “[My Name]! I have a guest who just complained that his room wasn’t cleaned when he came back! Could you send someone up quickly?”

(I quickly check the records; the morning shift indicated that he had put the “Do Not Disturb” sign up, and left his room for the afternoon shift. I pick up another phone and dial the phone of the room attendant assigned.)

Me: “His room was on ‘Do Not Disturb,’ but it’s okay; I will send someone up now.”

(I get the room attendant and conveyed the message, as my colleague was speaking.)

Colleague: *sounding very shrill* “Why do you still sound so calm?! The man was furious! Shouldn’t you have some sense of urgency?”

Me: “I’m not the one running up to clean the room. But, if it makes you feel better, I can pant and speak in a breathy voice to you?”

Colleague: “…”

Me: “All right, I’ve gotten through to the room attendant. They are on that floor and are moving to said guest’s room now. I’ll update you once they are done. Goodbye.”

(I still don’t understand how moving quickly to get things done should translate to sounding like you’re running a race.)

(I’m a manager at a clothing company that offers a lifetime guarantee on its products. The policy is pretty loose, and to accompany the policy we have the ability to make adjustments for “difficult” customers. It’s two minutes before close when a customer walks in.)

Customer: “Am I too late?”

Me: “No, what can I do for you?”

Customer: “I don’t want to return this; I just saw that it’s 50% off now, so I want to get the price adjusted.”

(She hands me a receipt, which I notice is over a year old.)

Me: “Ma’am, our policy for price adjustments is two weeks; this was purchased over a year ago.”

Customer: *snaps* “Yeah, but this is [Company], so I’ll just return it and buy it back.”

(Not in the mood for arguing, I begin to process the adjustment.)

Customer: *in a smart tone* “Are you having a good night?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. So, it looks like it’s the same price today as it was a year ago.”

Customer: “Um, no, I paid [current price plus tax].”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, well, it’s half off of the original.” *pulling out a calculator to show her the math* “So, half of [price] is—”

Customer: “YEAH, I KNOW! I CAN DO MATH IN MY HEAD!”

Me: “Okay, yes, so the extra was for taxes. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do about taxes.”

Customer: “YES, I KNOW THAT!”

Me: “All right, ma’am, sorry about that, but just for future reference we do price adjustments for up to two weeks.”

Customer: “I don’t care. I will just return whatever and repurchase it. This has been sitting in my dining room just like this for a year!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, have a great night!”

(Ah, the sweet taste of victory.)

(We are assigned homework to research famous people from our home state of Iowa, to give a five-minute presentation. I have totally forgotten this, and thanks to the power of the alphabet I am called up first. Panicking about getting a failing grade, I decide to take a risk and totally wing it about the only famous person from Iowa that I know of.)

Me: “Today, my report is about Captain James Tiberius Kirk.”

(I look directly at my teacher, and breathe a sigh of relief when I don’t see a glimpse of recognition.)

Teacher: “Captain? So, you’ve chosen a military figure?”

Me: “Yes, but I chose him because he was captain of a ship that was more famous for its exploratory missions.”

Teacher: “Please, continue!”

Me: “His ship was called The Enterprise. He wasn’t the first or last captain of this vessel, but he is by far its most famous captain. As I said, it was primarily an exploratory ship, but it did have its fair share of battles. His most famous known tactical move was called. ‘The Corbormite Maneuver.’ He also helped negotiate peace with a mining team who had inadvertently started excavating where the locals lived and raised their young. If it were not for him, there would have been a deadly battle between them and the natives, but he was able to make the miners see the locals as intelligent beings that were worthy of protection.”

(I continued in this vein, and easily could have gone for more than the allotted five minutes! My teacher gave me an A and was none the wiser. I’m very thankful for inheriting my parents’ encyclopedic knowledge of fifty-year-old episodes of “Star Trek”!)

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