Watch For Grease Stains In The Concord

, , , , | Right | March 6, 2009

Me: “Hello, this is [Pizza Place]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a medium cheese pizza and a two-liter of Sierra Mist, please.”

Me: “All right, that’ll be [total]. Would you like to come pick it up or have us deliver it?”

Customer: “Delivery, please. My address is…” *lists a house in Philadelphia* “Would you be able to get it here in about thirty minutes?

Me: “Uh, sir, we’re in California, and we don’t deliver to Philadelphia. Especially not in thirty minutes.”

Customer: “Oh, well, on your website it said you deliver in thirty minutes or less.”

Me: “Yes, locally. Not to Philadelphia.”

Customer: “Oh, well. Uh, thanks anyways.”

Me: “Have a nice day, sir.”


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And Miles To Go Before I Seek New Employment

, , , , , , | Right | March 6, 2009

Agent: “I sent in the paperwork over a week ago. Why hasn’t this been processed?”

Me: *looking up record* “I don’t see that we’ve received it. What address did you send it to?”

(The agent gives an address in Los Angeles of a company with a similar name we are not affiliated with.)

Me: “Our office is located in San Francisco. We’re not actually affiliated with the company in L.A.”

Agent: “Well, what do we do now?”

Me: “It’s possible that they’ll forward it to our address which is printed on the paperwork, but the fastest way would be for you to submit a new form.”

Agent: “Can’t you just drive over there and get it?”

Me: “Well, no, sir. It’s in L.A. and we’re in San Francisco.”

Agent: “So?”

Me: “It’s at the opposite end of the state.”

Agent: “You can’t just go get it?”

Me: “San Francisco is not near L.A.”

Agent: *angrily* “Well, how far is it?”

Me: “About 400 miles.”

Agent: “…”

Me: “It would take about nine hours in each direction.”

Agent: “You aren’t being very helpful.”

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Thou Shalt Not Use The Lord’s Name To Haggle

, , , , , , | Right | March 5, 2009

(My coworker has just put together a very expensive PA system for the pastor of a church.)

Coworker: “All right, pastor, is there anything else I can get for you today?”

Pastor: “No… thank you. I’m very grateful for all your help. What is the price, son?”

Coworker: “Well, after all of the added items and sales tax, your total comes to $4,478.89.”

Pastor: “What!? Let me ask you this… What would JESUS pay for this?!”

Coworker: *without delay* “Sir, Jesus paid the ultimate price and died for your sins. Your total is still $4,478.89.”

(The pastor was not amused, but paid the full amount.)


This story is part of our Hagglers roundup.

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Under The N-Sea-17

, , | Right | March 5, 2009

Me: “Hello, ma’am. Welcome to [Store]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Hello, I’d like to know which is the best-animated p*rnographic movie you have.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “It’s for my husband. I’d like to buy him one for his birthday.”

Me: “…I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t sell those.”

Customer: *exasperated* “Yes you DO.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t.”

Customer: “YES YOU DO. I just SAW them. I’ll go get it!”

(A few minutes later she returns, waving “The Little Mermaid” in my face.)

Customer: “See? SEE?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, that’s a Disney movie. It’s aimed at little kids.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Disney is well-known for their children’s movies.”

Customer: “You mean you show P*RN TO LITTLE KIDS?! CHILD ABUSER! CHILD ABUSER! YOU ARE SCARRING OUR CHILDREN FOR LIFE! YOU B****!”

(She angrily walks out of the store, throwing the movie on the ground.)

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No Dollars, No Sense

, , , , , | Right | March 5, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]; may I have your full name, please?”

Customer: “I’m not giving you my full name. I want to speak to a supervisor.”

Me: “I’m sure I can help you solve your problem, ma’am.. Just give me your full name so I can look up your information.”

Customer: “All right, FINE! My name is [Customer].”

Me: “Thank you, Ms. [Customer]. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I was at the store trying to buy baby formula, but I didn’t have any money left on my account. Why is that?”

Me: “Well, it appears you have made several purchases throughout the day, and you eventually ran out of money.”

Customer: *yelling* “I KNOW THAT! I BOUGHT STUFF EARLIER, BUT WHY DON’T I HAVE ANY MONEY LEFT?!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, you could go ahead and return what you bought to get your money back and–”

Customer: *interrupting, baby crying in the background* “HOLD ON, SIR!”

Background Voice: “Hi, welcome to [Store]. How can I help you today?”

(The customer starts placing a food order while I wait on the line for her to get back to me, and the baby keeps crying.)

Customer: “Here, baby, don’t cry… Have some fries.”

Me: “Ms. [Customer], are you still there?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m here. Have you put my money back in my account yet?”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. You’ve already spent the money, so your best bet is to go and return some of the things you bought earlier.”

Customer: “I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT FOR ME!”

Me: “I can’t do that; you have to do it personally.”

Customer: “CAN’T YOU JUST DO IT ON YOUR COMPUTER?!”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s not physically possible for me to walk into a store with your stuff through my computer.”

Customer: *yelling louder* “WELL, IF YOU CAN’T USE ALL YOUR TECHNOLOGY TO DO A SIMPLE THING LIKE THAT, I’M GONNA HAVE TO SWITCH BANKS! THANKS FOR NOTHING!” *hangs up*

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