Sloth, Envy, Lust and … Prepaid Gas

, , , | Right | January 30, 2008

(We are a prepay station. A little old lady walks in.)

Lady: “So what, I can’t get gas now because so many idiots drive off? What kind of world do we live in that a Christian doesn’t get treated right?”

Me: “… I’m sorry, Ma’am, we lost over 75,000 gallons of gas last year due to drive-offs.”

Lady: “This is just stupid. Why don’t you just turn the d*** pump on? I’m filling up, I don’t know how much it’s going to take.”

Me: “Ma’am, you can either leave your keys, a credit card, or an ID, and I’ll be more than happy to turn the pump on.”

(The lady hands me a $20 bill.)

Me: “Alright, I’ll just prepay this 20, and it’ll shut off for you when it hits 20.”

Lady: “No no no. That’s my down-payment. Turn the pump on and I’ll come pay the rest.”

(I sigh and turn the pump on, I’m really not supposed to, but at least I’ll have some money to put towards it if she drives away. The lady goes out and pumps her gas, comes back in to pay.)

Lady: “One day, the Lord is going to come down and smite everybody who doesn’t respect the Christians who live by the rules.”

Man Behind Her: “I’m going to be a good Atheist and prepay my gas. $15 on pump 3, please and thank you.”

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The Problem With Blank Checks

, , | Right | January 30, 2008

(Takes place over phone.)

Me: “Nutrition, this is–”

Patient: “Yeah, I don’t want beef stew. I want something different. My nurse said I’m on a regular diet and can have anything I want.”

Me: “Alright, do you know what you would like?”

Patient: “I want two Pepsis; chicken strips with ranch, and honey mustard; a baked potato with sour cream, butter, and bacon bits; another apple crisp, but I want you guys to heat it up and serve it with ice cream; and a Caesar salad.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the only things on your list that we have tonight are the baked potatoes and apple crisp. We also have–”

Patient: “THEY SAID I COULD HAVE ANYTHING!”

Me: “That we have in the kitchen!”

Patient: “Oh.”

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You Can Never Dumb It Down Enough

, , | Right | January 29, 2008

(We wanted to avoid common questions, so we made a massive wooden ice cream cone and put it up on the counter to display the number of scoops possible, and the price at each level. This thing was like 4 feet high, each scoops with a diameter of at least 1 foot.)

Woman: “Hi, how much is one scoop?”

Coworker: “Oh, right here…” *points to sign*

Woman: “JESUS! Those are huge! How could anyone eat that much?”

Coworker: “…”

(I ran into the back, almost in tears from laughing.)


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I Gave Birth To A Guinea Pig

, , , , | Right | January 29, 2008

Me: “Hi there, ma’am. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: *with her young son* “Yeah, could I have a piece of that bologna so my son can taste it?”

Me: “Sure. Would you like to try it, too?”

Customer: “Oh, no, thanks. I just want to see if my son is allergic.”

Me: “…”


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Someone Needs To Switch To Decaf

, , , , | Right | January 29, 2008

(I’m at the front bar of a certain coffee shop, in the middle of making a caramel macchiato. An old, angry, hovering customer approaches me.)

Customer: “What are you doing? I didn’t ask for caramel; I’m allergic! Are you trying to kill me?! I had to wait in line all this time and I can’t get a d*** coffee made right!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is a caramel macchiato. I’m sure this isn’t your drink. What did you have today?”

Customer: “I had a latte. I’ve been waiting for ten minutes!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s a latte right here on the counter right next to your handbag.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you tell me? I’m late for my movie!”

Me: “Ma’am, I called the drink out three times; you were standing there the whole time.”

Customer: “You should have called louder!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I was practically yelling. I figured it was loud enough. Well, there you are, have a nice day.”

Customer: “YOU MADE ME LATE FOR MY F****** MOVIE!”

Another Customer: “You get the evilest people here, don’t you?”

Me: “LA’s finest. Here’s your macchiato. Have a nice evening.”


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