Naming: And Bob’s Your Uncle!

, , , , | Related | June 23, 2017

(This was toward the beginning of the year. Due to being born premature, my daughter hasn’t started talking too much. As per instructions by both her speech therapists, we are advised to keep talking to her, and repeating words back to model. We are doing such a thing when she decides we need a second word.)

Me: “Yeah!”

Daughter: “Yeah!”

Me: “Yeah!”

Daughter: “Yeah!”

Me: “Yeah!”

Daughter: “Bob.”

Me: *laughing* “Where did that come from!?”

Husband: “Did she just say Bob?”

Me: “Who’s Bob?”

(Bob is her toy bunny. Apparently she decided to name him right then and there.)

The Picture Of An Impossible Request

, , , , , | Right | June 23, 2017

Customer: *dropping off film* “How long will this take?”

Me: “About an hour.”

Customer: “I’m in a hurry; can you make it 20 minutes?”

Me: “It takes at least 40 minutes to develop and print film, and that’s if I have nothing else going on.”

Customer: “So it can’t be done in 20 minutes?”

Check A Third Time

, , , , | Working | June 23, 2017

(A friend and I go to a diner that we often visit for a late lunch. We’re pretty much the only ones there. Our server has worked there for years and, although he’s very nice, he’s not very bright. We finish our food and try and get his attention. He smiles and nods. We try again and he looks confused and waves at us. We try a third time when he grabs another server and points to us.)

Server #2: “How can I help you?”

Me: “We’re just ready for the check.”

(She goes back to the counter.)

Server #1: “What did they want?”

Server #2: *exasperated* “They wanted their check.”

This Just Isn’t Going To Cowork

, , , , | Romantic | June 23, 2017

(I am 17 and my coworker is old enough to be my mother. One day her son, who is a little older than I am, comes to bring her lunch while I’m working. The next day…)

Coworker: “So, [Son] had a lot of questions about you last night.”

Me: “Questions? All I did was let him in the door.”

Coworker: “He thought you were real pretty! Wanted to know if I had your number in my phone.”

Me: “Was he disappointed when you didn’t?”

Coworker: *laughing* “He was. If we didn’t work together I’d be rooting for you, though. I know you’re not crazy like his last girlfriend.”

(The next week her son is in the office again and waggles his eyebrows at me, walking in my direction. Suddenly, my coworker reaches up and grabs his shirt collar.)

Coworker: “[Son], I never thought I’d have to tell you this, but you are not allowed to date MY coworkers!”

Not An Ally

, , , , , | Related | June 23, 2017

Between the ages of 13-15 I began to realize I was attracted to women as well as men (I am female) but had no one to talk about it in my family, which is extremely religious with southern roots, and not very accepting.

I would always hear the adults badmouthing anyone “different” and saying they should “get what they deserved.” It scared me into being what they all thought a little girl should be and pretty much just keeping quiet, I honestly never spoke to my mom much unless I had some medical issue I couldn’t solve on my own because she was the worst and always told me that a little girl should be “seen and not heard.” My “being good” earned me the love and affection of the adults in the family and they all fawned over me and babied me as long as I was well behaved and fit the image they had grown accustomed to.

As a child I had a close relationship with my first cousins, my dad’s sister’s kids, and when I was about 15, I broke down and told my aunt’s oldest daughter over the phone that I was attracted to women. She was stunned into silence but seemed accepting. I felt relieved. I thought I finally had someone to talk to.

A few mornings later, my mom storms into my room, rips my cell phone off the charger and rips the computer modem out off the wall, then leaves. I think maybe I left some chore undone and quickly get out of bed, scrambling to find out what it is, while my mom watches me silently.

Soon she calls me into the living room and produces my missing cell phone, then demands I dial the number to a girl I like, whose name I previously mentioned to my cousin. She speaks to the girl’s mother and makes me listen as her parents began screaming at her. She gets the mother’s attention and tells her “If your daughter ever calls my daughter again, I’ll call the cops and send my daughter to a girls’ home.”

I have no idea what a girls’ home is but I am already freaked out and don’t want to find out. Turns out my cousin relayed our conversation to my aunt who called my mom and the rest of our family, making sure to cover all family in THREE STATES. Everyone went ballistic, my mom threatened me, my dad threatened the other girl, and the phone was ringing off the hook with calls from nosy family members.

Fast forward to last year. My same aunt’s middle daughter is discovered to be a closeted lesbian with a girlfriend and a slew of pictures of the two of them all over social media, some involving little to no clothing. Before anyone can say a word, my aunt loses it and goes on this tirade about how everyone should mind their own business and is suddenly the worlds biggest supporter of LGBTQ+ rights. Of course no one says anything because “Everyone knows how [Aunt] is when it comes to her kids.” So everything gets swept under the rug.

Dude, f*** this family.

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