Did The Earth Not Move For You, Too?

, , , , , , | Working | July 23, 2021

In 1974, I go to see the new disaster movie Earthquake. The high-budget movie features famous actors and “Sensurround”! This involves specialized bass speakers that create a sound wave that is more felt than heard. The speakers make the theater rumble during the earthquake scenes.

The movie follows the typical disaster movie formula. Part One introduces characters pre-disaster. Part Two shows characters during the disaster. Part Three shows the characters after the disaster.

In the movie, before the big quake, there is a pre-quake, but there is no Sensurround, and I wonder why. (I learn later that Sensurround should have been felt during the pre-quake.)

Everyone in the theater can tell that the earthquake is going to happen very soon. And then… the movie skips from Part One directly to Part Three, leaving out the earthquake part. The entire audience is wondering, “What the f***?”

Three minutes into Part Three, the movie stops and the theater lights come on. The projectionist messed up. Ten minutes later, the movie finally resumes with Part Two. We finally get to feel Sensurround, but the climactic moment in the movie is lost.

After the movie, I get in the long line with all the others wanting a voucher refund ticket. The manager is sitting at a folding card table in the lobby to sign refund vouchers and he is not happy. After ten minutes in line, it is finally my turn. The manager looks at me and says, “So why do you think that you deserve a refund?”

Internally, I just thought, “Whatever the forty people in front of me told you.”

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So The Serpent Was A Python, Then?

, , , , , | Related | July 23, 2021

I am visiting my mother for Mother’s Day. I know it’s important to my mom that I attend church, so I allow her to drag me to her church on Sunday morning. Right as we are leaving, I get a call from work because they are having issues with a program I support. So, during the drive, I stay on the phone, walking them through some suggestions of how to debug what is happening to fix the program.

Me: “I’d diff them, then grep the diff for that DN and pipe it to WC.”

Mother: “It’s a good thing you’re finally going to church because you’re already speaking in tongues!”

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Mobility Issues Or Not, No Need To Be A Jerk

, , , | Right | July 23, 2021

I work in a thrift store.

Caller: “Do you have any pet beds?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we’re out, ma’am. But we do get them in pretty frequently.”

Caller: “Do you know any other places that might carry them?”

Me: “Well, there are [Store #2], [Store #3], and [Store #4] in town you could try.”

Caller: “Oh, good. Text me their numbers.”

Me: “Uh… pardon?”

Caller: “Their phone numbers, text them to me.”

Me: “I can’t do that, ma’am. I suggest you Google them on your phone.”

Caller: “Listen to me, young lady. I have limited mobility, so I need you to text me the numbers so I can call them without having to dial.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, no can do.”

Caller: “Why not?!”

Me: “Well, this is a landline.”

Caller: “Excuse me? It’s a what?!”

Me: *More clearly* “It’s a landline. It’s not capable of sending texts.”

Caller: *Angrily* “So, what am I supposed to do?! I have limited mobility! It is extremely difficult for me to Google things and dial them by hand!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am, but there is literally no way I can text the number to you. Even if I were to Google the number on our computer, you’d still have to write them down or type them into your phone.”

Caller: “Fine. Then text me the information from your cell phone!”

Me: “Uh, no.”

Caller: “Why not?!”

Me: “Because my cell phone is in my locker and I am not comfortable giving out my personal number to a stranger.”

Caller: “This is terrible customer service!”

I am tired of her nonsense, so I take on a stern schoolteacher tone.

Me: “Be that as it may, you have two choices; either you look it up yourself, or I read it to you and you write it down. There are no other options.”

In the end, with a great deal of complaining, she eventually wrote the numbers down by hand after I did a quick Google search for her. While I am not in a position to judge whether or not her mobility really was that limited, I’m at a loss as to how this would make our phone magically capable of texting just to accommodate her.

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Their Precog Abilities Are Ten Out Of Ten

, , | Right | July 23, 2021

My sister and I go through the drive-thru at a fast food burger place. My sis is in the driver’s seat. A woman comes on the speaker.

Worker: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Sister: “Can I have a sec?”

Worker: “A number ten?”

Sister: *A bit louder* “Can I have a sec?”

Worker: “Okay, let me know when you’re ready.”

I think for a bit and lean over to my sister.

Me: “Spicy chicken sandwich meal. It’s, err, actually number ten.”

My sis sighs slightly, shakes her head, and turns to the speaker.

Sister: “Actually, can I get that number ten?”

Worker: *Laughs* “Yes, ma’am.”

When we got to the window, we had a good laugh together.

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If There Was Ever A Guy Who Needed A Pizza…

, , , , | Right | July 22, 2021

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Shop]! This is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Customer: *Speaking slowly in a drunken raspy grumble* “…burritos?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t actually have burritos here.”

Customer: “Awww… subs?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m sorry. We have pizza, wings, cheese sticks… things like that.”

Customer: “Ohhhh…”

There’s a long pause.

Me: “Would you like some pizza today, sir?”

Customer: “Yeeaaahhh… what’s the smallest you have?”

Me: “That would be the small. It’s a ten-inch pizza.”

Customer: *Grumbles slowly* “Oohhhhh… I want sausage… pepperoni… and finely chopped onions.”

Me: “Our onions are actually sliced into thin strips. Is that okay?”

Customer: *Grumbles disapprovingly*

Me: *Stifling laughter* “So, no onions, then?”

Customer: *In low, raspy grumble* “Noooooo… Throw some hot peppers on there.”

Me: “Jalapeños or banana peppers?”

Customer: *Drunkenly* “Ba-na-na.”

Me: *Stifling more laughter* “Anything else on there for you, sir?”

Customer: “Finely chopped tomatoes.”

Me: “Our tomatoes are diced, so they’re in kind of little cubes.”

Customer: *Low raspy grumble* “Cuuuubes…”

Me: *Trying not to crack up laughing* “Will that be all for you today, then, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be [total], and we’ll have that out to you in about forty-five minutes.”

Customer: “What’s the price?”

Me: *Repeats the total*

Customer: *Low raspy grumble* “Ooohhhhh…”

The delivery driver has been standing next to me the whole time.

Delivery Driver: “I can’t wait to meet this guy.”

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