This Is Not A Clean Return

, , , , | Right | May 4, 2021

Customer: “I would like to return these shoes.”

After checking her receipt to make sure she’s still within the return period, I pull the shoes from the bag and begin inspecting them. The first thing I do is flip them over to check the soles, and I immediately see that the white soles are dirty.

Me: “I’m sorry, but these have been worn, so I can’t take them back.”

Customer: “But they hurt my feet.”

Me: “I understand that can be frustrating, but we can’t take them back since you wore them around.”

Cue a few rounds of the customer insisting I have to take them because they hurt her feet.

Me: “I’m sorry, but I really can’t issue you a refund for these.”

Customer: “Can I speak to a manager?”

Me: “I am a manager. To receive a return for an item, it must be in unused condition so we can resell it. These shoes are no longer new and I can’t resell them since they are obviously dirty and worn.”

Customer: *Without missing a beat and completely serious* “Then just clean them.”

Me: *Blinks a few times* “I’m… sorry. We… can’t do that. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

The customer put her shoes back in the bag and walked away. She was never angry or rude with me, but it completely baffled me that she seriously thought it was acceptable to return dirty shoes and expect us to just clean them and resell them as new.

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The Customers Don’t Want Your Two Cents

, , , , , | Right | May 4, 2021

Usually, when a customer tells me, “I have the change,” I’ll joke with them by saying, “Just don’t make me count out [number] pennies and we’re golden!” Typically, they laugh and say something along the lines of, “Oh, I would never!” or, “How terrible would it be if someone did that?!”

Me: “Your total today is going to be $11.32.”

The customer hands me a $20 bill.

Me: “Out of $20?”

Customer: “Wait, I think I have the change!”

Me: “Perfect! Just don’t make me count out thirty-two pennies and life’s good!”

Customer: “Excuse me? If I want to give you thirty-two pennies, I will, and rightfully so! It’s legal tender!”

Me: “I apologize ma’am. I didn’t mean—”

Customer: “Ask me that again and I’m giving you the entire amount in pennies! You can’t f****** tell people that they can’t pay with f****** legal tender! This is America!

Me: “Again, I apologize.”

Customer: “Give me my $20 back.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Give. Me. My. Twenty. Dollar. Bill. Back.”

I hand her back the $20.

Customer: “Since you apparently aren’t comfortable counting, I’m just going to use my card. And maybe you should use your brain, little girl.”

I finished the transaction talking to her as little as I possibly could. Thankfully, that was my only “problem customer” of the day!

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Upon Balance, That Was A Stupid Thing To Ask

, , , , | Right | May 4, 2021

We got almost a foot of snow and ice last night, but we are still open. A customer comes sliding up the walkway, nearly faceplants into a snow pile, and enters the branch.

Customer: “Whew! It’s a nasty one, isn’t it? I’m surprised you guys are open! Why are you open?”

Me: “Oh, because people still come in to do banking, even on a day like this.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. Who would come out in all this snow just to go to the bank?”

Me: *Deadpan* “I have no idea, sir. What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “I just need my balance. That’s all.”

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Not Licensed To Be This Stupid

, , , | Right | May 4, 2021

While I don’t typically work the front counter, I do jump on register to help from time to time. I also help to answer the phone. On one particular morning, I pick up a line. Here in New York, most license plates start with three letters and end in four numbers. Commercial plates typically are five numbers followed by two letters.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Auto Parts Store], [My Name] speaking. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “Yeah, I need a power steering cooler for a 2005 GMC.”

Me: “All right, sir, can you tell me what model GMC you have?”

Caller: “Uh, it says Z71 on the side.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that isn’t a model. If you look on the back of your vehicle it might have the model name.”

Caller: “It just says GMC on the back.”

Me: “All right, sir, that’s fine. Is your vehicle registered?”

Caller: “Yeah.”

Me: “If you tell me the plate number, I can look it up that way.”

Caller: “The what?”

Me: “The license plate number, sir.”

Caller: “What’s that?”

I’ve never had anyone ask me this question before, and I half expect the caller to say he’s just kidding, but he doesn’t say anything else.

Me: “It’s the plate with seven characters on your vehicle.”

Caller: “You mean like the VIN number?”

Me: “No, sir. If your vehicle is registered, then it’s the plate on the front or back of your vehicle. Do you have a plate like that?”

Caller: “Oh, yeah. It says [five digits].”

I think that maybe it is either a specialty plate, but a search of those five digits comes back with nothing for New York.

Me: “Is your vehicle registered in the state of New York?”

Caller: “Yeah.”

Me: “Are there any letters on the plate, too?”

Caller: “Uh, yeah, there’s [two letters].”

I put the letters in my search, too, and his model finally came up and I quoted him his price.

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The Force Sure As Heck Ain’t With Him

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | May 4, 2021

In high school, a group of eight friends and I speak a lot of languages, and we have been translating a certain catchphrase about “being someone’s father” into every language we know together during a free period at school. We decide that we should make a group outing of it to go to see “Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith” in theaters, and we decide to go back to my parents’ house to hang out afterward. We are all fifteen, so my parents are driving us from the theater to our house.

My mom drives [Friend #1] who is sitting in the front seat and [Friend #2] who sits behind [Friend #1].

Friend #1: “I mean, I knew he was gonna make the transition to full-on bad guy, but I didn’t expect him to be so whiny about it. It was a fun movie, but he got on my nerves.”

Me: “Well, the emperor was messing with his head pretty hardcore, and he’s always been emotional. [Friend #2], what did you think?”

Friend #2: “I didn’t get it at all. Is there gonna be a sequel?”  

“Star Wars” was released as episodes four, five, and six in the 1970s and ‘80s, and then episodes one, two, and three in the 1990s and 2000s.

[Friend #1] unbuckles his seatbelt and gets on his knees to look directly into [Friend #2]’s face.

Friend #1: “What. Did you just say?”

Friend #2: “Is there gonna be a sequel?”

My mom is laughing so hard she pulls into a parking lot to let the laughter subside before she can drive further. Once we get to the house, [Friend #1] and I tell [Friend #2]’s twin sister what he said. She looks at her brother like he’s grown a second head.

Twin Sister: “[Friend #2’s Full Name], we watched all five movies last weekend just so we would know what is going on! Don’t you remember?!”

Friend #2: “Oh, was that what those were? I was trying to figure out how to beat [Friend #3] in the chess game we have going on. I wasn’t paying attention.”

A month or two later, we are all hanging out at [Friend #1]’s house. His younger brother puts on a Darth Vader mask and pops out from behind things to startle us. 

After the surprised yelps and laughter die down, [Friend #2] utters this.

Friend #2: “What was he supposed to be, some kind of robot?”

His twin sister smacks him on the back of the head. 

Twin Sister: “I’m sorry, everyone. I have tried so hard with him, but I’m giving it up as a lost cause. If it’s not chess, math, Torah studies, or a musical, he just won’t pay attention.”

[Friend #2] never did figure out what the “robot mask” was.

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