Robbing His Own Cradle

, , , , , | Romantic | July 3, 2020

I work in an OBGYN office, often answering phones and directing patients’ messages to doctors. To make sure the right patient’s chart is attached to the message, I ask for a few identifiers. One day, a patient’s husband calls.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Office]. How can I help you?”

Husband: “My wife wants me to send a message to her doctor. She’s busy with the baby and asked me to call.”

Me: “Sure; what’s your wife’s name and date of birth?”

Husband: “[Wife] and [date last year].”

Me: “Can you repeat her date of birth?”

Husband: “Oh, I gave you our baby’s birth date! No, my wife’s is [date twenty-five or thirty years ago]. My wife’s an adult.”

Me: “Great, I see her profile here, so you’ve called the right office. What message can I send her doctor?”

Husband: “[Message]. Sorry about the date mixup… I swear I didn’t marry a baby.”

A few hours later, he calls back.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Office]. How can I help you?”

Husband: “Hi, this is the man with the child bride. We missed the doctor’s call; can we talk to her?”

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Khakis: The Uniform Of America

, , , | Right | July 3, 2020

I work as a manager in a grocery store, where members of management wear polo shirts. We have three different colors to choose from: red, royal blue, and navy. On this occasion, I was wearing my red shirt. 

We had been having some issues with our phones, so I walked to the [Office Supply Chain] in the same plaza as my store with the phone that was broken and quickly grabbed a replacement.

As I was heading back to the registers to make my exchange, I was stopped by a customer asking for the location of flash drives. I must have looked baffled, because he repeated his question, at which point I glanced down at my shirt where my store name and job title were embroidered.

I looked back at the customer, looked back at my shirt, and then back at the customer once more, hoping he would clue in. It wasn’t until he asked a third time that I finally explained that I worked in the grocery store, and his wife and son started cracking up.

Beware of khakis and polos; in certain combinations, you become a customer magnet.

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Dawn Of The Dead (Once Mom Gets Through With You)

, , , , , | Related | July 3, 2020

My brother is about five years older than me and very smart, and, for most of my young life, I was his little minion. Needless to say, we could be complete terrors to our parents at times. This is one such incident; I am around five or six and my brother is ten or eleven.

We’re playing in the backyard and notice that our dog has created a rather sizable crater. It’s large enough to say, fit a small child. I lie in it to check the fit and we get a couple of shovels to expand it when it’s not quite big enough. Then, I lie down in the hole and my brother puts a piece of plywood over me, asking me to push up on it to make sure I can escape easily. With a hollowed-out dog bone by my head as a snorkel and a thin layer of dirt on top, our trap is set, and my brother goes inside to find Mom.

Brother: *Excitedly* “Mom! Try to find [My Name]!”

I hear Mom walk around for a few moments.

Mom: “I don’t see her.”

Brother: “She’s here. Look harder!”

Mom: “Is she hiding?”

Brother: “Yep!”

I hear some slightly more frantic footsteps.

Mom: *Getting hysterical* “[Brother], where is your sister?!”

Brother: *Gleefully* “I buried her!”

Mom: “YOU WHAT?!”

Taking my cue, I sat up, pushing the dirt and plywood off of me like a zombie rising from the grave, to the gobsmacked shock of our mother.

I don’t remember what punishment we received for our little prank, but I think it involved a spoon and a promise from both of us to never entomb our sibling again.

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We Didn’t Know The Library Had A Back Room

, , , , | Right | July 3, 2020

I work in a library. One of our regular patrons, an older woman who comes in frequently to check out movies, comes in with a man I’ve never seen before. They select several DVDs and bring them to the desk to check out.

Me: “Oh, you’ve got four new releases here; the limit on those is three at a time. You’ll need to pick one to put back.”

Woman: “Oops!” *To the man* “Okay, which of these do you want to see more?”

Man: “I don’t want to see any of ’em!”

Woman: “Well, what kind of movies do you like, anyway?”

Man: “Sex movies!” *To me* “What kind of sex movies you got around here?”

Me: *Speechless*

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Sounds Like Denial Number Three

, , , , | Learning | July 3, 2020

I work for an online university with a ridiculously high acceptance rate. In the year I’ve worked there, I’ve only had two students ever denied out of the hundreds I have worked with. In order to get accepted, all you have to do is complete an attestation form which confirms that you have a high school diploma or equivalent. 

The form is completely free and takes about two minutes to fill out, but for some reason, many students refuse to complete it. We understand that it can be annoying, especially if someone has transfer credits from another college which proves that they graduated high school, but again, the form is free and they usually spend more time arguing about it than it would take to fill the thing out. Most people are understanding when I explain why we require it… except for this guy.

I get a notification that this student has been reassigned to me, so I go to his profile. I see he hasn’t been contacted by us in over a week, so I check the notes from the last call to see what was discussed. These are the notes from the call, copied and pasted verbatim:

“Wanted to know if he was Accepted. Let him know we’re missing an Attestation form and transcripts on file. 

“Escalated immediately about that we were requesting him to complete an Attestation form. Explained as part of admission requirements, we verify high school diploma or equivalency is completed. Said he spoke to his local congressmen and they said since he is over forty-five years old, he doesn’t have to provide that information to us. 

“Threatening to contact his lawyers to sue us if we need his diploma. Let him know the form only needed his information about where he graduated on there. Still was refusing to complete form; let him know we need that to move forward. 

“Wanted to speak to someone else ‘higher’ about this. Put on hold to try to find a TL. 

Disconnected after putting on hold.”

Basically, this grown man was so angry over having to take two minutes out of his day to complete a very simple form that he called his congressman and threatened to send a lawyer after us.

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