(A resident rolls up to my desk in her wheelchair to ask a question.)

Resident: “It’s written on my coat… my defecation…” *trails off*

Me: *blink* “Your… what now?”

Resident: “My name and… my phone number… My defecation is on my coat.”

(I remember a coworker saying something about someone missing their coat so I take a shot.)

Me: “We’ll find it [Resident]; don’t worry!”

Resident: “Oh, thank you! My defecation is on it…”

(She honest-to-God kept saying, “defecation,” but I hope she meant identification. I pity who finds the coat if she really did mean defecation.)

(One day I go to change into some sweatpants and find a pair I have never seen before in my clean laundry basket. I figure they got mixed up but end up wearing them nonetheless, and become pretty attached to them, wearing them every day and even taking them on a two-week trip to Florida in case I feel like wearing them. Fast forward a few months: I get a text from my mom.)

Mom: “Do you have a pair of Dad’s light grey sweatpants in your basket? He’s missing a pair.”

(I walk upstairs to my parents’ room wearing the aforementioned sweatpants.)

Me: “You mean these?”

Mom: “Yep.”

Me: “I’ve been wearing these nearly every day for months; how didn’t he notice?”

Mom: “I don’t know. Just bring them up here next time you wash them.”

(I honestly both hope and expect him to forget.)

(I work in a major retail chain. One night, we get an unusual truck delivery. Our manager is waiting by the dock with us as we get ready to unload it.)

Manager: *sigh* “All right, everyone. This is going to seem crazy, but I’ve confirmed with the home office that the delivery inside is definitely intended to be ours just the way it is, so just go with it.”

Coworker: “Wait. What the heck is inside?”

Manager: “You’ll see.”

(Shortly after, the truck driver opens the door to reveal an absolutely absurd amount of tangerines. My coworkers and I alternate between staring at the tangerines in amazement and each other in shock and confusion.)

Coworker: “There’s no way this is right. I get that we’re a busy supercenter and all, but there’s no way even we can sell all these oranges before a whole bunch goes bad.”

Manager: “Yep, that’s how I feel, but apparently someone higher up than me disagrees.”

Me: *as I’m sliding my pallet jack under the first pallet* “What reason could there possibly be to make this seem like a good idea?”

Driver: “You want to know what these oranges are for? This is all about that Obamacare!”

(Suddenly, everyone stops what they’re doing to process what the driver has said.)

Manager: “What… What does that have to do with oranges? No, actually, what does that have to do with anything right now?”

Driver: “That’s Obamacare for you; it doesn’t make any sense!”

(We quickly gave up trying to figure out what the driver was talking about. For the next week, all our nightly meetings included a manager urging us all to get a bag of tangerines on the way home. Once the story of the delivery had spread, we would all say goodbye to each other with, “Don’t forget your Obamacare oranges!”)

Related:
Obama Drama, Part 5
Obama Drama, Part 4
Obama Drama, Part 3

(My boss and my boss’s boss are all awesome. I have been anticipating the release of “Kingdom Hearts 3” and decide I’m going to do something I have never done: take time off specifically to play a video game. I notice the allotted time for the department is negative seven hours one day and negative four hours for the next, but I put in the request, anyway, since there’s always a chance someone will cancel or I can get it approved. I send an email to my boss asking if she can take a look and approve the time off. The next day we’re talking and I bring up the time off request.)

Me: “Oh, by the way, if I can get that time off, awesome. If not, it’s not a problem. I’m literally just going to play a game I’ve been waiting on for years to release.”

Boss: *laughs* “Oh, yeah? What one?”

Me: “Kingdom Hearts 3.”

Boss: *silently mouths it and looks like she’s thinking* “Huh… I think I’ve heard of that…” *teases me* “You going to stream it?”

Me: “Actually, yeah!”

Boss: “Okay, I’ll let my kids know to look out for you. But you better keep it family-friendly when you stream!”

Me: “I promise to keep it simple and clean.” *chuckles*

Boss: “Good! Waaaaait… I feel like that’s a reference somehow.”

Me: *laughing* “Yeah, it’s the name of the song from the first game.”

Boss: “I know what game that is now! My kids really like them! Okay, I’ll put in the approval.”

(Ten minutes later, I had approval for the time off! My boss’s boss approved the override with the message, “Have fun with it!” Great bosses are freaking awesome!)

(This happened in 2017 when those scam callers claiming to be the IRS were calling people about unpaid taxes. They tried to pull it on me and this is how it turned out.)

Scammer: “Hello, I’m calling for [My Name].”

Me: “One moment, please.”

Scammer: “Okay.”

Me: *starts playing a scene from the 90’s movie “Good Burger”* “Look out; he’s loose!” “Goodness gracious! He’s killing Sydney!” *crashing noise*

Scammer: “Sir, is everything all right?”

Me: *panting like I’m out of breath* “Yeah, just another day at the psych ward. Now, you were saying?”

Scammer: *hangs up*