Babel-ing On

, , , , | Right | November 25, 2010

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. I’ll be your server this evening.”

Customer: “Habla español?”

Me: “No, sir, I don’t.”

Customer: “Italian?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer: “French?”

Me: “Sorry, no.”

Customer: “Well, then, what language do you speak?”

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Honesty Is Not Always The Best Policy

, , , , | Right | November 25, 2010

Me: “Okay, your total is $123.42.”

Customer: “Did you remember to add my discount?”

Me: “What discount?”

Customer: “My five-finger discount.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “My five-finger discount. My son comes in here all the time and says he gets a five-finger discount.”

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Power To The People

, , , , | Right | November 25, 2010

(I work for a company that provides both phone support and on-site support for residential customers.)

Caller: “Hello, I seem to be having an issue with my Internet. It’s not working.”

Me: “Well, I’m sure we can fix that. First thing’s first: can we reboot the computer?”

Caller: “I don’t know how to do that.”

Me: “Well, by reboot, I mean restart. I believe you have a [Brand] computer. That should be running [Operating System], correct?”

Caller: “It’s a something [Brand]?”

Me: “Just click on the start button in the lower left-hand corner of the screen. Then select ‘Turn off computer.’”

Caller: “I can’t find the start button.”

Me: “Well, it might just be hidden. How about we just turn the power off on the laptop.”

Caller: “I don’t know how to do that.”

Me: “Just press the power button on the computer. Hold it down, and the computer will turn off.”

Caller: “I don’t know what the power button is.”

Me: “How do you normally turn the computer on or off?”

Caller: “I never have.”

(I check the records to reveal she’s had the computer for six months.)

Me: “Well, can you possibly find the power button on the computer? It could be on the side. It should be glowing green. It has the power symbol on it.”

Caller: “What’s that?”

Me: “It looks like this problem will require a tech to be sent out.”

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Wearing Law Suits Will Get You Law Suits

, , , , , | Right | November 25, 2010

(My friends and I are on a mock trial team. We’re all about sixteen, and we have to wear suits to court, like a real trial. We are using a courtroom that no one is using for the day. During a recess, the doors burst open and a woman storms in.)

Woman: “I demand a lawyer!”

Us: “Uh…”

Woman: “You! You there!”

Me: “Who, me?”

Woman: “Yes! I want you to be my lawyer!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a real lawyer.”

Woman: “But you’re in a courtroom! People in courtrooms are lawyers. That’s why I came here to get one.”

Me: “We’re just using it because there’s no one here today. This is a mock trial.”

Woman: “But you’ve got a briefcase!”

Me: “Ma’am, that does have our case information in it, but it’s not a real case. This is mock trial. It simulates a trial. It’s supposed to be exactly like a real one, but… it’s… not.”

Woman: “You’re not a real lawyer? I’m going to sue you for false advertisement. I bet you haven’t even gone to law school!”

Me: “No, I haven’t. And that’s not exactly how suing someone works. I mean, would you sue Tom Cruise for playing a lawyer in A Few Good Men even though he’s not one?”


Woman: “But… but you’re wearing a suit!”

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Actually, There’s Probably An App For That, Part 2

, , , , , , | Right | November 25, 2010

(An older gentleman is shopping for his first cell phone.)

Customer: “I need a phone that rings loud. My hearing isn’t so good.”

Me: “Well, this phone has vibrate mode so you can feel it ring.”

Customer: “Vibrate? You mean like a vibrator?”

Me: “Well, I suppose so, yes. But the warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage.”

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