(I do telephone surveys for patients who’ve recently visited their health center. I work with a headset.)

Me: “We’d like your feedback to improve future care; will that be okay?”

Patient: “Sure!”

Me: *reads the first question*

Patient: “What? What was that?”

(I repeat it louder and clearer and he responds. The same thing happens for the next two questions.)

Patient: “Stop speaking so close into the microphone. You’re spitting and breaking up; I can hardly hear you!”

(I oblige and slightly adjust my mouthpiece so it’s slightly above my mouth, although since I hear some static on his end, I’m not sure if he’s correct that I’m “spitting.” This cycle continues a few more times, with him asking me to repeat, and me gradually moving my mouthpiece farther and farther up to the point where I wonder how he can hear me at all, especially since I have a hoarse throat today.)

Me: *asks another question*

Patient: “You know, if you’re going to work on the phone, you should really get some phone skills! You shouldn’t be talking with your mouth so close to the phone!”

(Sick of straining my voice and fed up with his ridiculous assertions but trying to maintain professionalism and a friendly manner, I say:)

Me: “Sir, my microphone is at my eyes right now… so I’m definitely not talking into the phone. I apologize that you’re unable to hear me well.”

(Cue five seconds of silence.)

Patient: “Well, what was your question again?”

(The rest of the call proceeded smoother, although I did take to bending the microphone even further from my eyes when I had to repeat myself again. Crazy!)

(I work at a clinic on an Air Force base with both active duty and civilian employees. We’re having our morning huddle, going over updates for the day. The airman running the meeting gets to the work orders.)

Airman: “And we have the soap dispenser in the office that’s not working—“

Me: *interrupting him* “It’s working now.”

Boss: “Yeah, facilities came and just looked at it and it started working again.”

Sergeant: *deadpan* “I say the same thing about my airmen.”

(My grandparents are riding their bicycles and the path goes over a stream. My grandma’s front wheel catches on a rut and she goes over the handlebars. She ends up rolling down the embankment of the stream, and if it wasn’t for the help of an elderly couple nearby, she would have rolled into the water. As soon as they make sure my grandma is safe, the man turns to his wife and says:)

Man: “See, [Wife]? Women are still falling for me.”

(My older brother decides we are going to watch a movie one afternoon, and my mom shouts down the hall to invite my younger brother.)

Mom: “We’re getting ready to watch a Star Trek movie, if you want to join.”

Younger Brother: “Which one?”

Me: *walking past his room* “The one where The Doctor takes the One Ring to the planet Hoth because Professor Xavier told him to.”

Younger Brother: “Which one is that? Can’t you give me the title, instead?”

(I am filling up my car at a gas station when a fairly disheveled man comes up and tries to open my passenger door. When I call out, he walks around, gets up really close to me, and tells me that he needs a ride. I am leery, given that he is twitching and quite a bit bigger than I am. The gas station attendant comes out and ends up shooing him away. Immediately afterward, a man standing at the next pump over pipes up.)

Man: “Wow. You’re a real jerk, aren’t you?”

Me: “What?”

Man: “That man has nothing, and you couldn’t even give him a ride.”

Me: “I didn’t see you offering to give him a ride, either.”

(He gave me a little glare before driving off past where the man was standing on the sidewalk. I did consider driving over to give the man a ride, but a police car pulled up and the officer got out and started talking to the man, so I left it at that.)