It’s So Easy… Yet So Difficult

, , , | Right | December 24, 2008

(I work for the online customer service branch of a major department store, answering questions via “live help.” The store has many older customers who often have trouble shopping online. The following is an online conversation I have.)

Customer: “Your site won’t let me get through!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Could you tell me what part of the site you were having an issue with?”

Customer: “It keeps telling me that I have the wrong password. I have my password!”

(I look up her password and use it on the site to make sure it works.)

Me: “I have tested your password and it appears to be working. Would you like me to send you an email with a copy of your password?”

Customer: “NO! I have my password! It says it right here on the screen, and I typed it just like it says.”

Me: *slightly confused as to why the customer’s password would be displayed* “What password do you see on the screen?”

Customer: “cAsE sEnsitIve! I typed it the exact way that it says here! ‘Your password is cAsE sEnsitIve’!”

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Santa Goes Psycho

, , , , | Right | December 24, 2008

(I am stocking Christmas ribbon with a coworker.)

Customer: “You two ladies look like you can help me.”

Me: “Sure, what do you want to know?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a tree.”

Me: “Okay, the trees are in the back of the store under the ‘Seasonal’ sign.”

Customer: “No, no. Let me finish. I want a tree; it’s circular, but it’s a tree, and it’s a circle, but it’s only a half-circle, but it’s a tree. Oh! And you hang it on your window, and it’s a tree, and a circle.”

Me & Coworker: “…”

Customer: “IT’S A TREE, AND IT’S A CIRCLE AND A TREE, AND YOU HANG IT ON YOUR WINDOW, BUT IT’S ONLY A HALF-CIRCLE, BUT IT’S A CIRCULAR TREE!”

Me: “Uh… a wreath?”

Customer: “NO, NO, WHAT THE F***?! IT’S A CIRCLE AND A TREE, AND IT’S A CIRCLE AND A HALF-CIRCLE, AND YOU HANG IT ON YOUR WINDOW!”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Customer: “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS?!”

Me: “No… sorry, sir.”

Customer: “Well, is there someone else in here that can help me?”

Coworker: “There are other people here, but with that description, I doubt anyone will be able to help you.”

Customer: “OH, WHAT THE F***?!”

(The customer storms off, but a moment later comes back.)

Customer: “Oh, by the way, do you sell Jello here?”

Me: “Um, no. We’re a craft store, not a grocery store.”

Customer: “Well, people use Jello for crafts.”

Me: “Uh, sorry.”

Customer: “SERIOUSLY! THEY HIRE F****** IDIOTS HERE!” *storms off… again*

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I Hear Santa Has The Same Issue

, , , | Right | December 16, 2008

(I work in a call center where we take reservations for a Christmas event.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Call Center]; how may I help you?”

Customer: “My wife has a severe phobia of midgets. Will the elves be actual little people?”

Me: “The people dressed as elves are normal-sized, but I can’t guarantee any of the patrons won’t be midgets.”

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This… Is… Spyware!

, , , | Right | December 9, 2008

Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have Spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.”

Me: “Ma’am? Spartans?”

Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have Spartans.”

Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.”

Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has Spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.”

Me: “You’re right, ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t Spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.”

Customer: “300?! Is that bad?”

Me: “It’s horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer.”

Customer: “Oh, that just figures. I’m going to go buy a new computer.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I think that would be best.”

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One Annoyed Paranoid

, , , | Right | November 19, 2008

(I work at the photo department and am checking out a customer with a “Happy Birthday, Grandson!” birthday card.)

Customer: “Hello… I only have this one birthday card.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $3.15. I just need your signature on the line, please.”

(The customer begins to sign her receipt, then pauses. She looks closely at the slip, then looks up at me, angry.)

Customer: “Now how does this know who I am?!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “It has my name on it! Right here, below the line! I have never shopped here before. Where did you get my information?”

Me: “Ma’am, the information comes from your credit card.”

Customer: “Well!”

(She signs the slip and gives it to me. I put the slip in the register drawer.)

Customer: “And what are you doing with that? It has my information on it. You can’t just keep it!”

Me: “Umm, we have to keep it. That’s how you pay for things…” *register prompts for a zip code* “… and may I get your zip code, please?”

Customer: “Why do you need my address?!”

Me: “Well, American Express needs it. It’s a security measure, and it doesn’t need your whole address, just the zip code.”

Customer: “This is identity theft! Give me back my signature!”

Me: “Um, I promise you, I am not. I can’t open the drawer mid-transaction, but I can call a manager to cancel your transaction.”

Customer: “You aren’t a cashier! How do I even know you work here?!””

Me: “Well, here’s my name tag. And my picture is on the wall.”

Customer: “If you work in the photo department, that could be Photoshopped! You do not work here! I want a manager!”

Me: “Umm, okay…” *calls the manager*

Manager: “What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “This thief is stealing my personal identity!”

Manager: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I want my signature back! She is asking too many questions!”

Manager: “Okay, I will take it from here. So what is your zip code?”

(My manager takes care of the rest of the transaction. The receipt then prints out…)

Manager: “Here you go! Tell your grandson to have a happy birthday!”

Customer: “AND HOW DO YOU KNOW MY GRANDSON!? YOU PEOPLE STOP AT NOTHING! I AM REPORTING YOU! THIS IS ILLEGAL!” *continues yelling all the way out the door*

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