I answer a customer call that has been escalated to me by another agent. The caller wants to return a printer some months after it was purchased.

Me: “Do you have a receipt?”

Caller: “No.”

I use some creative searching, and I am able to look it up and email him a copy to boot. The official return limit is two weeks, but in actuality, the computer will let you do up to thirty days, and a manager (I am one) can override just about any time length if we have a good enough reason.

Looking up the receipt in his customer account, I can also see that he was a jerk to the associate who originally answered the phone.

Me: *Flatly* “The return limit is two weeks, and we can’t help you. I suggest that you call the manufacturer since it probably has a one-year warranty through them.”

Caller: *Yelling* “It’s ridiculous that I can’t return it!”

Me: “If you know of a store that lets you return electronics six months after you bought them, you let me know because I’d love to shop there. Our limit is two weeks.”

Theoretically, I could have helped him — I’ve done returns that were older than that — but not after he chewed out the other associate and then me. Now he can go shop at our competition.

Related:
You Catch More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar, Part 5
You Catch More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar, Part 4
You Catch More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar, Part 3
You Catch More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar, Part 2
You Catch More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar

In my Seattle-area high school, I was friends with a German exchange student. She was very happy to be able to practice her English among native speakers and was never afraid to ask for help learning new phrases.

Friend: “What do you say in America when someone sneezes?”

Me: “Gesundheit.”

Friend: “No, in America.”

Me: “We say gesundheit, too.”

Friend: “But in America! Not in Germany!”

Me: “Really, we mostly use the German word. Sometimes people say, ‘Bless you,’ but mostly you’ll hear gesundheit.”

Friend: “But I already know that word!”

Then, I got to tell her about other loan words like kindergarten and schadenfreude!

I am frantically stocking on a busy Sunday. A customer walks up to me.

Customer: “How do I get to the airport?”

I moved to the area less than a month ago, so I’m really not too sure. I look it up on my phone and show her.

Customer: “No! Show me a way where I can avoid the tolls!”

The toll she’s referring to is $1, and to go a different way would be possible but takes twice as long.

Me: “Ma’am, do you have a smartphone?”

She is literally holding hers. I show her how to look it up using my phone and how to switch to the “Avoid Tolls” option. She never looks at the phone in her hand the whole time.

Customer: “Just tell me the directions!”

Me: “I just moved here, so I honestly don’t know. Sorry!”

Customer: “Just tell me the directions and avoid the tolls! It’s just directions!”

Me: “I could say them out loud from the phone, but it’s a lot of directions, and—”

Customer: “Just tell me the directions!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.”

She stomped away, throwing up her hands — yes, one of the hands still containing the smartphone — and shaking her head. I went back to stocking. I don’t know how to help someone like that!

I am delivering a fridge to a customer. We have just brought it down from the truck, and the customer steps forward to open the fridge door. He can’t open it all the way due to the packing tape, but he manages to get it open an inch or so.

Customer: “Wait a minute! This fridge isn’t cold!”

Me: “Well, no, sir. It needs to be connected to power and given time to cool down.”

Customer: “I didn’t spend a thousand bucks on a fridge only for it to arrive warm!”

Me: “It needs to be connected to power to be cold.”

Customer: “That’s not my problem! You should figure out how to keep it cold on the way! Send it back!”

Me: “Seriously? If we send this back, you’ll still pay the delivery charge, plus a restock charge, and any replacement they send to you will still not arrive cold.”

Customer: “I’m not paying! In fact, I expect a refund as a convenience fee along with the cold refrigerator you bring back to me.”

Me: “Sir, I say this professionally, but you’re deluded. I can take this back for you, but none of that other stuff you want is gonna happen.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! Who delivers a refrigerator warm?!”

Me: “We deliver BBQs, as well. Do you expect those to be on fire?”

Customer: “Yes! If I spend a thousand bucks on one!”

There’s no helping some customers…

I am working as a tour guide, and I am waiting for my tour group to arrive. I can hear some of the early arrivals talking among themselves, including a dad talking to his young son.

Dad: “That’s the White House!”

Me: “No, that’s the Capitol Building.”

Dad: “No, it’s the White House! It’s where the president lives!”

I point down to the Washington Monument.

Me: “No, the White House is down that way, right of the Monument.”

Dad: “That thing? But that thing is tiny!”

Me: “It’s pretty big, but it is small compared to the Capitol Building.”

Dad: “Wait… This is the Capitol Building? That thing I saw them storm on the news?!”

Me: “The very same.”

Dad: *Sizes it up* “I bet I could storm it all by myself.”

Me: “Sir, our tour takes us inside the building.”

Dad: “See? I got inside without even trying!”

I advised him to not “joke” about that incident on the tour. He did not follow my advice and was removed from the tour by security before we even got to the entrance.