Why Did The Rubber Chicken Cross The Road?

, , , , | Right | September 9, 2017

(I have been experiencing Internet outages all day, and once a snow storm hits, there is nothing. I call to double check if there are any other problems in the area.)

Tech: “Thank you for calling [Service Provider]. This is [Tech]. How may I help you?”

Me: “My Internet is out, and I was wondering if there were any outages in the area.”

Tech: “I can certainly check that for you. Give me a moment…” *brief pause* “It seems there are only a handful of people who are without connection, so I don’t think it is an area issue. What is the modem doing?”

Me: “Well, it’s odd. All the lights are on as if it were working, but I definitely can’t access any websites.”

Tech: “Okay. Just a few questions for you to determine this isn’t the router. Do you have any baby monitoring devices in the house?”

Me: “No.”

Tech: “Do you have any new remote devices at all?”

Me: “No.”

Tech: “Is your home built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground?”

Me: *giving my fiancé a twisted face and giggling* “No.”

Tech: “Okay, then. I’m going to ask you to unplug the router from the modem so I may check the connection on our end.” *gives me instructions* “And don’t forget to stand on one leg while holding a rubber chicken. Most people forget that.”

(We go through a few more steps, the results of which are baffling him, because his system says there’s no connection, but my equipment says otherwise.)

Tech: “I knew it… you didn’t hold the rubber chicken.” *sigh* “Nobody ever listens.”

Me: *trying not to lose it, I giggle more* “You sure there aren’t any other outages? The storm outside is pretty bad.”

(A short conversation reveals he is in Louisiana and had no idea there was a storm.)

Tech: “Even though the storm may have something to do with it, I’m not ruling out the possibility of an ancient burial ground. However, I am going to recommend we replace your modem.”

(We set up an appointment for the next day.)

Tech: “I would like to thank you for calling [Service Provider], and for being patient with both the troubleshooting and my sense of humor. Have a good night.”

(I stay on the line to wait for the automated survey to give him an excellent review. I hang up and finally let my laughter go. Both my fiancé and roommate look confused. I tell them about the conversation.)

Fiancé: “I would have liked to hear his reaction if you told him you held a rubber duck instead.”

The Hero Of My Dreams

, , , , | Romantic | September 9, 2017

(My wife usually wakes up after I have already left for work. This morning I get a text from her.)

Wife: “You were mean to me last night. First you kept laying your leg over me. Then you stole the comforter, and when I put on another blanket, you stole that, and then somehow you scratched my arm.”

Me: “I am so sorry, Baby. I had some weird dreams.”

Wife: “And you took it out on your wife.”

Me: “Actually, in my dream, I was trying to save you from being stuffed in a bag and carried off. A scratch is nothing in the face of that.”

Wife: “My hero.”

Blood Is Thicker Than Stupidity

, , , , | Related | September 9, 2017

(For context, I’m happily adopted, but I have an older brother and a younger sibling through my biological mother. They stayed in California while I grew up in Colorado. It was hard to consistently keep in touch, especially before texting, Facebook, and instant messengers, so we’ve only recently started to truly reconnect. This exchange takes place over Skype with my younger sibling.)

Me: “I just sprayed my puppy’s bed with this anti-chew stuff, and some of the mist got in my mouth. Holy CRAP, does that taste bad.”

Sibling: “I love you, and your little reminders that we really are related.”

Working Like This Is Alien To Me

, , , , | Working | September 9, 2017

(I’ve been working with my district manager on a massive project to change the layout of my store. I’m about three months pregnant, suffering a serious case of “baby brain,” and I lovingly refer to the baby as “my alien,” as we don’t know its sex yet. It’s early in the morning, and my DM and I are texting back and forth. I have just made a mistake.)

District Manager: “You’re killing me. It’s too early for this.”

Me: “I know, I’m sorry. I should probably send myself home for stupidity.”

District Manager: “Nope. You actually have to work extra today.”

Me: “But… But… my alien might make me break the store!”

District Manager: “Exactly, then they’d have to remodel. Have a good day.”

Fast To Comeback

, , , , , | Friendly | September 9, 2017

(My dad is going across the parking lot at a store when a lady comes barreling into the lot like she’s in the Indy 500. My dad waves for her to slow down, as he’s worried she’ll hit somebody. She stops her car near him and asks what’s wrong. My dad, who hadn’t expected her to stop, tells her she’s going dangerously fast and could hit somebody.)

Driver: “I didn’t hit you, did I?”

(Some people…)

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