Scouting For An Argument

, , , , , | Working | March 10, 2018

(A year ago, I had a substantial number of my employees selling some multi-level marketing item. Things were getting ridiculous, with employees hassling their coworkers, catalogues covering the break room, purchased items brought in for pick-up and left in lockers. Finally, I set a hard rule that no one was allowed to sell anything on company property. Period. One employee, who sold diet shakes and vitamins, had major issue with this, protesting to corporate, but my rule was upheld. I know he held a grudge for it. One day, he approaches me.)

Employee #1: “So, the no-selling thing is only for some of us, then?”

Me: “It’s a store-wide rule. No one is allowed to sell anything on company property. Why? Who is breaking it?”

Employee #1: “[Employee #2] is! Back in the break room! Girl Scout cookies!”

Me: “All right; I’ll head there.”

([Employee #2] is sitting there, eating her lunch and scrolling through her phone. I don’t see any order forms or boxes, so I’m a bit confused.)

Me: “[Employee #2], are you selling Girl Scout cookies?”

Employee #2: “No… I mean, my granddaughter is, but…”

Me: “But have you tried to sell any to another coworker?”

Employee #2: “I thought that wasn’t allowed?”

Me: “It’s not. Thank you. I’ll let you get back to your lunch.”

(I pull [Employee #1] to my office.)

Me: “Okay, I need you to tell me exactly what happened.”

Employee #1: “I’m minding my own business at break and [Employee #2] asks if I want to see her granddaughter. She shows me a picture and the kid is wearing a Girl Scout uniform.”

Me: “Did she ask you to buy cookies, or attempt to take money?”

Employee #1: “No! But why would she let me know she had a granddaughter in Girl Scouts unless she was subliminally trying to sell me cookies?”

Me: “Girl Scouts aren’t Psych Ops. No one was doing subliminal sales. Please go reset zone two.”

(Since then, he has been telling people I’m unfair and unequal with my rule!)

Weeding Through The Bad Gifts

, , , , , | Romantic | March 10, 2018

(I smoke medical marijuana for PTSD and fibromyalgia pain. It’s Valentine’s Day, and my wife comes home and tosses me a package.)

Wife: “Babe, I got you flowers!”

Me: “Aww, so sweet!”

(It was my order of weed buds, aka “flowers.”)

Got A Bad Reading On This Customer

, , | Right | March 10, 2018

(I work in a hotel. After midnight, the front doors are locked and people can only get in by pushing a button. Most people are okay with this; however, some take major offense.)

Customer:Why are your doors locked?!”

Me: “So sorry, ma’am. That is our security policy.”

Customer: “Blah blah blah! So rude to lock paying customers out!”

Me: “Like I said: it’s our policy. There’s a sign explaining this.”

Customer: “I’m illiterate!”

Me: “Uh…”

(I’m stunned, since no one has used that excuse.)

Customer: “Discrimination!”

Me: “If you can’t read, then how did you sign the registration card?”

(But she had already stormed off. The real problem came when she went outside with a smug, spiteful expression, then came back in, KICKED the doors, broke them, and was unable to come in because they were broken. When I finally managed to reset the automated doors, I was treated to a expletive-laden rant while she ran off. The next day, she called to extend her stay, and after reading my log about her, we were mysteriously “sold out” and she was kicked out.)

Should Have Used The “F” Word

, , , , , | Related | March 10, 2018

(Even though I’m a sophomore in high school, I like to plan ahead and save for anything — in this instance, college. There is a well-known application high school seniors and college students have to fill out to be eligible for student aid. I’m trying to remember the cost of that application — at 10:30 at night.)

Me: “Hey, Dad? How much does the FAFSA cost?”

Dad: “Eh… I don’t know.”

(I go upstairs to my mom.)

Me: “Hey, Mom? Do you know how much the FAFSA costs?”

Mom: “No, honey. Why?”

Me: “I want to figure it ou– Oh, my gosh.”

Mom: “What?”

Me: “I just remembered what the cost is. FAFSA stands for the FREE Application for Federal Student Aid. Oops.”

Mom: *starts laughing at my “moment”*

Me: “Can you tell I’m tired?”

Own Up To Their Mistake

, , , | Working | March 10, 2018

(I work at a library that also has a museum. We are publicly funded and affiliated with a university. Telemarketers still sometimes call, and it can be pretty funny.)

Me: “Hello, [Library and Museum]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “May I speak to the owner, please? I have a great deal for them.”

Me: *thinking she means one of the curators, and wants to donate something* “Can I have the name of who you’d like to speak to?”

Caller: “No. I just need to speak with the owner.”

Me: “Ma’am, we are a public library and museum. There are about four different people you could be referring to. Could I get a name?”

Caller: “No! The owner! I need to speak with the owner!”

Me: *realizing she’s a telemarketer* “Our library is a public institution. We are also affiliated with [Local University]. We don’t have an owner like a traditional business. Is there something else I could help you with?”

Caller: “But… the owner?” *hangs up*

(I felt bad that she was so confused, but our name alone should have been enough for her to know we weren’t buying. I also should have realized she was a telemarketer earlier, but patrons do genuinely say things like that when they want to make a donation.)

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