(I work as a ride operator at an amusement park. Our company has a sort of exchange program overseas; we get international workers to come in and work for the company. I am working an older ride with one of the international exchange employees from Russia. The ride we are working on is based on a popular movie and was made in the mid-1990s. This means that because of the way it was manufactured, some people may have trouble fitting in the ride. The ride requires the operators to push down on a lap bar and then buckle a seatbelt on the side. If someone is too tall, or their thighs push on the lap bar, we cannot close it and therefore cannot let them ride. I am not the strongest person, but I always try my best to let all of our guests at the park ride. My Russian coworker has a bit of trouble speaking English, so he will often use shorter sentences to get to the point. The day in question is hot, and it is near the end of both of our shifts. I have been doing my best to fit people in, often having to use my legs to push down on the bar so I can get people buckled. I don’t want to ask my coworker for help, because I am embarrassed. However, I am having difficulty pushing down one lap bar. If he comes over and pushes, I can buckle it, but it is nearly impossible to do myself. I call him over and he walks up to the car in question.)

Me: “Can you help me push?”

(He looks at the guest and shakes his head.)

Coworker: “Too fat to ride.” *turns around to open the lap bar*

(I was mortified and had to tell the guest that “for their own safety, they could not ride.” Fortunately, the guest was very nice and accepted all of my numerous apologies. Looking back on it, I feel really bad for the guest, but at the same time I find, from a viewer’s standpoint, the entire ordeal amusing. I quit two months later.)

Related:
In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You!

(During a particularly heavy period, I end up bleeding through my pad and onto my sheets during the night. When it doesn’t initially come out, I spray some stain remover on the faded stain and throw it back in the washing machine, something my dad notices me doing.)

Dad: “What’s going on? Did you spill something?”

Me: *deadpan* “Yeah, my vagina.”

Dad: *pause* “I guess I asked.”

(My girlfriend has just gotten a job working phones in a customer service role. One day, my brother has to call this company for help and he tends to be an a** to representatives no matter what. I overhear this after the problem is fixed.)

Brother: “Well, thank you, [Girlfriend], for being such a stupid b**** and being no f****** help! I had to do it all myself. Don’t talk to me like that; I’m a paying customer! There’s nothing you can do to me. In fact, I welcome it! Do anything you want to me over the phone!” *starts laughing*

Me: *receiving a text from my girlfriend* “Hey, [Brother]… [Girlfriend] is asking if telling me to kick your a** through text counts as ‘over the phone.'”

Brother: “Oh… um… yeah… I guess… But why would she ask…” *stares at me with a blank look* “…I have a lot of apologizing to do, don’t I?”

Me: “At this point, I think it’s more groveling than apologizing.”

(This story was relayed to my husband by his friend. [Friend] runs an online business through a popular bidding and buy-it-now website; he will go to discount or outlet stores, buy a large quantity of inventory, and resell it on the website. He comes into town to visit us, and along the way, he stops at a chain discount store about 30 minutes from our home. He is often given coupons to this store for 10% off the purchase, but unfortunately, he forgot the coupon this time around. Because of the amount of money he is about to spend, he wants to see if they will still honor the coupon and speaks with a manager:)

Friend: “Hey there. I run an online business and am looking to spend about $4,000 here, depending on your inventory allowances. Unfortunately, I left my 10% off coupon at home; if I give you my phone number or email address, can you look it up to see if it’s still valid and allow me to use the discount anyway?”

Manager #1: “Absolutely! Don’t worry about giving me the details. I don’t need to look it up; any purchase that large is fine by me! Just let me know what products you’re looking to purchase so I can do an inventory check to make sure we have enough for you.”

(The interaction and sale goes smoothly from here, with [Friend] being able to get all of what he wants for a nice discount. As he is leaving, [Manager #1] thanks him for his business and wishes him a nice day. [Friend] then decides to go to another location of this chain a few minutes from our house to check out their inventory before coming over.)

Friend: *goes through the same explanation as he did with [Manager #1]*

Manager #2: “Uh, no. No coupon, no discount.”

Friend: “Really? I was just at the [Location] store and they were happy to oblige. Are you sure there’s nothing you can do?”

Manager #2: “No! I’m not letting you rip us off!”

Friend: “All right, dude, whatever. Have a good day.”

(As [Friend] is leaving, [Manager #2] makes a big show of calling [Manager #1] to relay his “victory,” probably because he thinks friend is lying:)

Manager #2: *on speakerphone* “Hey, man! Get this: guy comes in says he runs an ‘Internet business’ buying and reselling toys and wants me to give him a discount on his ‘big order’ because he ‘forgot his coupon.’ Are these people for real?!”

Manager #1: *on speakerphone* “Oh, yeah! He just came through here not too long ago. He was a really nice guy, and he spent a ton of money. My numbers are going to look great this week! We have a bunch of space now to buy up some new inventory for Christmas!”

Manager #2: *crestfallen, realizing the opportunity he just missed* “Wait, wait, wait. You’re saying he really spent that much money? I thought he was just trying to weasel a discount!”

Manager #1: “Uh, you mean you actually turned him down?! You’re always b****ing that you can never clear your inventory fast enough! Is he still there? See if you can get him back!”

([Friend] has been eavesdropping and is silently giggling to himself as he walks out, and looks back at [Manager #2]:)

Friend: *laughing* “Not on your life, bud. Enjoy all your extra inventory!”

(Being a funeral home, we get a lot of prank calls. This is a frequent call.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Funeral Home]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Is this the line with the girls?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Caller: “The line to talk to the girls. I have something here that’s eight inches long and two inches thick.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We only handle one type of stiff here.”