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Actually, English Mastiffs Are The Biggest… Wrong Time?

, , , , , | Related | March 23, 2020

(My brother has always had a way of getting people to their breaking points of frustration and anger with little to no effort. I don’t remember what this argument was about since it was so many years ago, and my dad was always the “talk things out” parent, so the fact he confided in me years later that he’d been uncomfortably close to pulling over and hitting my brother meant he was SERIOUSLY at his limit.

I’m in the car with my brother and my dad and they’ve been arguing. I’ve never seen my dad so mad before or since. There’s been a tense silence in the few minutes after their argument when my brother decides there’s a very important and unrelated question he needs answered.)

Brother: *as if he hadn’t just been arguing with my father* “Hey, Dad? What’s the biggest dog you know of?”

Dad: *in the angriest tone I’ve ever heard him use* “A SAINT F****** BERNARD.”

(Dad, I very sincerely love how, even at the angriest I’ve ever seen you, you still took the time to sincerely answer your son.)

The Kindness Chronicles

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | March 23, 2020

I’m sixteen. This year, I found out that my mom was cheating on my dad and they were going to get divorced. I didn’t know what to do.

A lady at my church starting doing “Car Chronicles” with me, where we meet once a week and get food and sit in her car in a parking lot. She lets me pour out my heart about everything and she gives me awesome advice.

Ever since the virus started, we haven’t been able to have “Car Chronicles” because of “social distancing,” and I have been devastated because I always look forward to being able to work through what’s going on in my family. 

Today, she texted to tell me that we are going to start FaceTiming and taking walks to talk in place of our weekly “Car Chronicles.” Her courage and willingness to continue meeting with me despite the circumstances we are all facing brighten my day.

Picture This…

, , , , , , | Right | March 23, 2020

Customer: “I need to withdraw $3000 from my account. I am planning to do some shopping today.”

Me: “I can help you with that. All I need is a picture ID from you.”

Customer: “ID? I don’t have one. All I have is a library card.”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am. Because of the large dollar amount, there is no way for me to do the transaction without a valid picture ID.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! You are an idiot. I told you I don’t have an ID. It’s my money and I want it now.”

Me: “I agree that it is your money, ma’am, but it’s my job to safeguard that money, so I have to complete the necessary steps to make sure I am giving the money to the right person.”

Customer: “My ID is with my boyfriend. I have a picture of it on my phone. See?”

(She shows me a picture ID on her phone.)

Me: “I am really sorry, ma’am. I cannot give you such a large dollar amount without the actual ID. I could give you a small dollar amount of maybe 100 to 200 with security questions. However, for anything larger, I need the actual ID.”

Customer: “What kind of bank are you? I mean, this is technology. I have a picture of my ID on my phone and it should work. Is your bank so technologically backward? Nowadays, a picture of anything works. You don’t need anything in a physical form. That’s what America is about. I guess you wouldn’t know as you are just an immigrant. But in America, our technology is superior and a picture of anything works. Understand? So stop being an idiot and give me my money NOW!”

(By now I am a little irritated.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am really sorry. However, what I can do is give you a picture of your money and I am guessing that would work?”

Customer: *storms off*

(My manager was not extremely happy but had a good laugh.)

Fluffy’s More High-Maintenance Than Most Pets Of His Kind

, , , , , | Healthy | March 23, 2020

(I work at the front desk at an animal clinic that is located on a street with many assisted living facilities. Most of them are not pet-friendly — they may have an office cat but residents can’t have personal pets — except for the largest of them which is right next door and pet-friendly.

We have a deal with the management of this facility where, whenever a new resident moves in with an animal, we set them up as a patient with us, the facility handles all their billing, we send care instructions to them to make sure the residents don’t forget the doses, and when making appointments we contact both the owner and the facility so they can make sure the owner doesn’t have something else scheduled that day and doesn’t forget their appointment.

For the humans who think they are more self-sufficient than they really are, we make sure someone from the facility is available and needs to take “important paperwork” over to the clinic at the same time the owner needs to leave, to make sure they get there and back safely. Sometimes they slip through alone, though, or decide they have an appointment when we don’t have them on the books, so we are used to having random elderly people coming in.

A clearly distraught elderly woman carrying a small dog carrier comes in one day.)

Woman: “Please, you have to help me!”

Me: “What can we do?”

Woman: “It’s Fluffy! He’s not acting right and I think I need to put him to sleep.” *sobs*

Me: “Oh, dear, we’ll get you and Fluffy in to see the doctor and take a look at him to decide if that is the best thing to do, okay? Now, what is your name so I can pull your chart?”

Woman: “It’s [Name I don’t have in my system].”

Me: “I can’t find you on the computer; have you been in before?”

Woman: “Oh, no, Fluffy and I just moved into our new apartment today and you are so much closer than his old doctor.”

(I figure she is so new the facility hasn’t had time to bring us her paperwork, so I get Fluffy’s age and breed and go about making a chart. We’ll get the rest of her information from the facility when we contact them. Thankfully, we’ve had a cancelation so I can get her into an exam room right away.

A while later, she comes out of the exam room with the doctor, with one of our techs carrying the carrier for her, much happier than when she came in.)

Woman: “And you really think it will cure him, Doctor?”

Doc: “If it doesn’t, you just have your doorman give me a call and we’ll get you back in, no charge. Now, I’m going to have my son carry Fluffy home for you. You have a good day.”

(The doctor is referring to our tech who isn’t actually his son, but that’s the code we use to let the front desk know the resident is not paying us directly and to just smile and say goodbye rather than following the normal checkout process. As soon as she and the tech are out of the building I turn to the doctor.)

Me: “So, we’re charging an exam and what else?”

Doctor: “Nothing.”

Me: “So, just the exam?”

Doctor: “No, Fluffy isn’t real.”

Me: “What?!”

Doctor: “He’s a stuffed toy; he’s just been laying around all day for weeks now. So, I told her we were going to try an experimental treatment, and if it works, that’s great, and if not, she can bring him in to be put to sleep later. Then, I drew up some air from an empty vial and injected it. She said he already looks perkier. Poor thing; she is really far gone.”

(Tech returned almost an hour later. The woman wasn’t from the facility next door, or even the one on the other side of them. She was from the one almost all the way down the block, and they had to check into all of them because she couldn’t recall which apartment building she lived in.

To their staff’s credit, they thought she had gone to get lunch with her daughter and her daughter thought her mom was taking a nap after an exhausting morning of moving in. Nobody knew Fluffy had been feeling bad, or that he was capable of feeling bad.  

The experimental treatment worked great for a month, and then Fluffy relapsed and had to come in for another treatment. We gave him his shot once a month for three years, and then one day he just stopped coming in.

Six months later, the daughter brought him in; her mom had become too ill to take Fluffy for his shots so she had just taken him out of the building for a bit and then come back and told her mom he’d had his shot, and now her mom said she couldn’t take care of Fluffy anymore so could we find him a new home. We found him a nice place in the doctor’s office; he’s our supervisor.)


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He Didn’t Like It And That’s… Nice?

, , , , | Right | March 23, 2020

Me: “Thanks for calling [Restaurant] in [Town]. What can I do for you tonight?”

Caller: “Hi, uh, I ordered for a delivery, but I didn’t like it.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Let’s see what we can do about that.” *while I’m pulling up all delivery orders for the day* “So, what was up with the food?”

Caller: “Uh, I dunno.”

Me: “O-okay. Was it overcooked? Cooked not enough? Not the right ingredients or toppings? What did you order?”

Caller: “We got a pizza and some wings.”

Me: *now that the page has loaded* “Okay, what was the address?”

Caller: *gives address* 

Me: “Huh. I don’t have anything matched in the system for that address today. When did you place the order?”

Caller: *vaguely* “A while back.”

Me: *head meets counter* “Does yesterday sound plausible?”

Caller: “No, it was longer than that. Gimme a sec.” *pauses, shuffling in the background* “It was last Friday.”

Me: “It is now Wednesday.” *thinking maybe a refund was issued but hasn’t yet shown up on the bank’s end* “Did you call earlier to let us know? Are you still waiting on a refund? Generally, refunds to a card take about—”

Caller: “No, this is my first call. I just didn’t like the food. My wife and kids did. But I didn’t.”

Me: “Um. Okay. Do you want a refund? I’ll have to check with my manager—”

Caller: “Nah, that’s fine. Just thought I should tell you. I didn’t like my food.”

Me: *speechless* “Okay. Thanks for letting us know.”

Caller: “You’re welcome.” *click*