Staying Loyal To The Conspiracy

, , , | Right | January 5, 2018

(I work at a big name pet store. Recently, we stopped accepting the old loyalty cards and, instead, have our customers enter their phone number to get the discounts.)

Customer: “What do you need my phone number for?”

Me: “For the loyalty program.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want to give you that.”

Me: “Okay. That will be $26.99.”

Customer: “What?! That’s outrageous!”

Me: “Well, the food was on sale, but without entering your phone number, you don’t get the sale price.”

Customer: “No! You just want my phone number so that you can sell it to telemarketers!”

(The customer stormed off, muttering about how messed up society is, and how everything has a price.)

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Babysitting An Ankle Biter

, , , , , | Related | January 5, 2018

(I am twelve. My parents go away for a weekend together while my older sister watches me at home. Saturday evening she decides that we shouldn’t sit around inside doing nothing and tells me we are going for a walk. My lazy preteen self doesn’t care for that, but I know better than to argue with her and go upstairs to get dressed. On my way back down, I trip, tumble, and end up hitting the first floor hard. It quickly becomes apparent something is wrong with my ankle. My sister helps me get to the couch, where I sit shaking and sniffling with an ice pack on my foot, while she hurriedly gathers our things to take me to urgent care.)

Sister: “You know, if you really didn’t want to go for a walk, you could have just said no!”

(All the way until we saw the doctor and I got a soft brace for my torn ligament, she talked about my “melodrama” to keep me laughing. “Just say no” became a family joke for a while after that.)

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Some Bosses Don’t Want You To Bleed For Them

, , , , , , | Working | January 5, 2018

(This is my first day at my first warehouse job. I have been told to break down empty cardboard boxes and stack them to be moved to a compactor and baler. While doing so, I accidentally cut my finger, so I go to the supervisor.) 

Me: “[Supervisor], I accidentally cut my finger.”

Supervisor: *goes pale and points to lead* “Go ask [Lead].”

(I go to [Lead].)

Me: “[Lead], I cut my finger and I need a bandage.”

(She goes pale and walks away. I’m standing there with my now soaked bandana wrapped around my finger.)

Older Coworker: “Come with me.”

(She takes me to a filing cabinet with a first aid kit, cleans the cut, and firmly places a bandage around my finger.)

Older Coworker: “[Supervisor] hates blood and [Lead] is completely useless. Be more careful when using a knife.”

Me: “Thank you.”

(The next day I was moved to work with the baler crew.)

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Mouse Versus Evil

, | Right | January 5, 2018


(I own a small, local pet shop. We have a variety of small pets, including rodents like rats and mice. We breed all of our animals ourselves, and I personally couldn’t bear knowing they’d be eaten, so I do not sell feeder mice. I do, however, sell a variety of frozen rodents, as big as rabbits. Due to owning the shop, I refuse to sell to certain people if they tell me they’re using my animals as food or they’re going to put them in very incorrect conditions. If they claim they’ll put one in a large cage but try to buy a cage meant for smaller animals, I won’t sell. I’ve just opened up shop when a woman walks in. She seems polite enough, though a little strange. She goes to the mouse section and looks at a cage of female mice.)

Woman: “I want one of these.”

Me: “Ma’am, these are actually female mice. I’d highly suggest getting two, or getting a male if you just want one. Sorry if I’m coming off as rude.”

Woman: “Oh, it’s no bother. I’m just getting one to feed my ball python.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t sell mice to you as feeders.”

Woman: “Uh, actually it’s just a pet.”

Me: “Ma’am, you’ve led me to believe you’re going to feed her to your snake. I can’t sell you any mice, but I can sell you supplies for a pet mouse and you can but your pet mouse somewhere else? I could sell you frozen mice.”

Woman: *huffily* “Well, fine. I don’t want ANYTHING from your rotten store! My baby will only eat live! I’m going to [Chain Pet Store That Takes Horrible Care Of Their Animals]!”

Me: “You’re free to go there, ma’am. Apologies.”

(She storms off. About an hour later, we’re a bit busier and I have two workers working with me. I’m walking around giving people advice and asking if they need help, one coworker is working the register, and my other coworker is cleaning out cages and feeding. A man walks in.)

Man: “Yes, I’ll take one male mouse, please.”

Me: “Okay, sir! Might I suggest this 10-gallon fish tank? I have packs made with everything you need for a mouse. It’s $120 and includes a mouse.”

Man: “I’ll take that.”

(I sell it to the man and he leaves, I think nothing more of it. The next day, the woman triumphantly stomps in, holding printed out pictures with her and a little box.)

Woman: “My snake didn’t like your stupid mouse, but look!”

(She showed me several horrible pictures of her holding the mouse I sold to the man. One was of her dangling it by the tail over boiling water, dangling it by the tail over her dog, the mouse flying through the air while they play catch with it, and the last photo was it swimming in the toilet. She dropped the box in front of me, ranting about how she really showed me. I motioned my coworker over and walked in the back to make a call about animal abuse. When I walked back out, she was still there, and we continued to stall her until the police arrived. She got a short sentence, one month, and had to do community service. She’s banned from owning any rodents and, of course, is banned from my store. She left the box when she was arrested, and what did I find inside? The mouse. He was still alive, though soaking wet, bruised, and a little cut up. I kept him personally, and he’s still alive to this day.)

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Too Busy For An Active Lifestyle

, , , | Healthy | January 5, 2018

(I work at a call center for medical insurance.)

Me: “Do you have income from work?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “In the next 12 months do you expect any income changes?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did you leave a job in the last 30 days?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “How do you support your household?”

Customer: “Family supports me.”

Me: “Do you go to school?”

Customer: “No, I don’t have time for that.”

(Talk about motivation.)

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