What?!

, , , , , , | Related | December 11, 2017

(While trying to get things settled with the lady at the desk, my three-year-old son is next to me, looking at a comments box that has five faces on it ranging from a big smile to a big frown.)

Son: “Daddy, what does this face mean?”

Me: *breaking a conversation to glance down* “What face?”

Son: “Oh! Really happy, really sad, kind of happy, kind of sad, what face!”

(He’s 17 now, and the whole family still calls the face with a straight mouth a “what face.”)

We Only Have Chicken Strippers

, , , , | Right | December 11, 2017

(I am working as a front desk attendant when someone calls. Seconds after answering I recognize it as a prank call.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Restaurant]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I heard somewhere that after you guys close, there is a burlesque show. Is that true?”

Me: *caught off guard* “Uh… No. Sorry.”

Caller: “Really? Well, there went my weekend.”

Me: “Again, sorry for ruining your weekend.”

Caller: “Man, I love strippers. I could watch them all day and night.”

Me: “Well, that sounds like an expensive habit. You have a good night.”

(I hung up and my coworker standing next to me just died laughing.)

Named And Shamed

, , , , | Working | December 11, 2017

(Our work environment is pretty casual, and most everyone has a nickname of some sort, while several of the guys go by nicknames exclusively for the most part. One of these guys is someone who doesn’t often have cause to interact with clients or partners, which is what typically prompts us to use real names out of professionalism. One day, I need his help with something for a potential client.)

Me: *e-mailing the client and copying my coworker on it* “Hi! So I think we’ll be able to work something out. Let me introduce you to [Real Name] who knows more about the topic than I do and can get you started.”

Nicknamed Coworker: *in a private e-mail* “Hey, did you mean to copy someone else? Who’s [Real Name]? Did we hire someone new in my department?”

Nicknamed Coworker: *in another private e-mail sent less than a minute later* “I forgot that I am [Real Name].”

(He didn’t live that one down for a while.)

The Contrarian Vegetarian

, , , , , , , | Right | December 11, 2017

(I work in a sandwich shop. We’re close to closing, so the line’s glass case doors are covering the meats and vegetables. I open both when the customer arrives.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Hi there. I’m vegetarian, so I can’t eat meat.”

Me: “That’s absolutely okay, ma’am. We have egg sandwiches, veggie sandwiches, and salads, and we also have a delicious vegetarian patty sandwich to offer you.”

Customer: “I know what I want, but I need you to clean your hands and the surfaces, because I can’t eat meat at all.”

(I rinse the food surfaces and the cutting knives, I clean my gloves, and I lower the glass case back over the meat since she’s made it clear it won’t be needed.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. If that’s satisfactory for you, what kind of bread would you like?”

Customer: “Oh, the flatbread, please, half of one.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, and your sandwich choice?”

Customer: “A ham, thanks.”

(I stop in my tracks and I hear my coworker giggling in the back of the store.)

Me: “Uh… A ham, ma’am? We don’t have any vegetarian substitute ham.”

Customer: “No, I mean a regular ham.”

Me: “Ma’am, ham is pork meat. Are you sure that’s the sandwich you want to order?”

Customer: “Positive, thanks! Actually, can I have double meat on that?”

(I double-checked before ringing her up that she knew ham was a meat and unsuitable for vegetarians, and she was perfectly happy with that, apparently.)

Getting The Green Light On That Diagnosis

, , , | Friendly | December 11, 2017

(I have brown hair. I decide to dye it green but keep the same style.)

Friend #1: “Whoa, that hair!”

Friend #2: “Nice hair.”

Friend #3: “Love what you’ve done with your hair.”

Friend #4: “Looks good on you.”

Friend #5: *confused* “What about the hair?”

Rest Of Us: *even more confused*

(That’s how we found out that friend was color-blind.)

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