Is This The Dog Park From Night Vale?

, , , , , , , | Right | October 15, 2019

I decide to take a trip to the dog park with my boyfriend, his brother, and our dogs. As we get there, we enter the small dog section, since our dogs are fairly small.

We’re just walking around looking at other dogs playing with each other when, all of a sudden, we hear a very loud scream from some guy in the big dog section. Apparently, he is fighting with another dog owner, since her dog has been trying to get it on with multiple dogs in the big dog section.

This argument goes on for a while and each party seems to be saying some messed up s*** towards each other. I turn around and see all the owners from the small dog section huddling towards the gate like a flock of pigeons looking over to see what the two are fighting about.

This fight legit goes on for fifteen minutes and it goes nowhere, until I hear one elderly man go over to his other friend that’s still invested in the people fighting and tells him that this is such bulls*** and a waste of time, and there are more exciting things in life. Then, he says, “Here, let me give you some Viagra.”

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Unlinking Yourself From Future Training

, , , , | Working | October 15, 2019

(Part of my job involves working with secure data, so my job includes random trainings being assigned to us to review best practices for keeping data secure. One day, I get called into my boss’s office about those trainings.)

Boss: “IT was just complaining to me that you haven’t completed any of the last three trainings.”

Me: “I haven’t gotten notifications about any trainings in the last month or so. Do they still send out email notices for the trainings?”

Boss: “They do. They’re insisting that they’ve sent out multiple notices.”

Me: “I’ll go check.”

(I go through my email, searching for the notices, and I finally find one in my spam folder. After looking at it, I find out what the problem was.)

Me: *to my boss* “I found out why I wasn’t seeing their emails.”

Boss: “And?”

Me: “They were getting caught by the rules about ‘unknown links’ that IT insisted we set up in one of their earlier trainings.”

Boss: “Oh.”

(As it turns out, everyone who actually implemented that rule was also failing to get the notices, while those who had skipped it, such as my boss, were still getting the notices. If it had been deliberate, it would have been a good way of showing who actually followed those lessons and who didn’t. As it was, it was just due to the IT group not following their own rules about what constituted “safe emails.”)

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Keep Making The Same Boob When Typing

, , , , , | Right | October 15, 2019

I was working computer tech support for a university when we received a call that a woman’s computer had been inserting random spaces into the documents that she was working on. An odd-sounding problem, we couldn’t diagnose it over the phone so one of the techs went over to see the problem firsthand.

The solution was to raise her office chair about one inch.

The problem? Her large breasts kept hitting the spacebar.

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Making Your Response Explicitly Clear

, , , , , , , , | Working | October 15, 2019

(I am out to my lunch with my brother, his boyfriend, and my boyfriend. All three men are 5’7” or taller and they all work out. I order a bunch of French fries for myself. The waiter brings them over and gives them all to my brother.)

Brother: “Here, [My Nickname].”

(As I’m reaching for the French fries, assuming it was a mix-up and the waiter will understand, he cuts me off and tries to hand me my brother’s burger.)

Waiter: “No! Sorry, but this is yours!”

(He pressures me into taking it, so I do, planning on switching them back. Then, I look down at the tray. On a napkin is written, “You’re hot enough to bang all night long, babe. ;)” along with a phone number.)

Boyfriend: “What’s wrong?”

(I show him, and then my brother and his boyfriend. My brother takes the tray, giving me the fries.)

Me: “What are you planning?”

Brother: “Shhh!” *waiter arrives* “Hey, man.”

Waiter: “Yes, sir?”

Brother: “About this note…” *lifts it up*

Waiter: “Oh, s***. I’m so sorry, I meant it for her!”

Brother: “Oh, d***. I was hoping it was for me.”

Waiter: “Excuse me?”

Brother’s Boyfriend: *leans over brother’s shoulder, smirking* “Yeah, been a while since we had a threesome.”

Brother: “And you never let me suck your d**k! Maybe this guy will, since you’re so particular.”

Waiter: *pales and flees* 

(We all burst out laughing. The waiter comes back with a manager.)

Manager: “Sorry, ma’am, sirs. I’m going to ask you all to leave.”

Us: “Huh?”

Manager: “According to [Waiter] you were verbally harassing him, saying sexually explicit things, and being nosy.”

Me: “No, no! He gave me this note, and my brother was messing with him to try to teach him not to do this stuff.” *gives the note to him*

Manager: *pause* “I’m going to look into this. If you all are lying, I’ll have to ban you from all locations. And if you–” *turns to the waiter* “–are lying, there will be repercussions.”

(He leaves and we all go back to eating, kind of worried about the waiter situation. Eventually, the manager comes back, seething.)

Manager: “I’m so sorry. We have cameras, there, there, and there–” *pointing at nearby cameras* “–and they were able to show that [Waiter] did give you the note. Plus, we checked his handwriting, and it’s the same. I’m so sorry you were uncomfortable, and while I must say that I don’t condone your response, it was warranted. Would you like your meal for free?”

Me: “Oh, no, that’s okay. As long as he doesn’t get away with it.”

Manager: “He won’t.”

(We still wound up getting free dessert, somehow, but I’ll never forget my boyfriend’s facial expression when my brother started talking about sucking d**k.)

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You Will A-Dress Me As “Ma’am”

, , , , , , | Right | October 15, 2019

(My friend and I are both transgender. Every month, we go to the theater together, and we always eat at a certain fancy restaurant beforehand. We have a very sweet regular waitress who has addressed us as women from the start. One night, an elderly gentleman at a nearby table calls our waitress over.)

Elderly Man: “You realize that those two are men, right? Why are you calling them ‘ma’am’?”

Waitress: “I don’t know what you’re talking about, sir.”

Elderly Man: *louder* “They’re men in dresses! They may be queer, but you should still call them ‘sir.’”

Waitress: “They look like ladies to me, sir. And they’ve never told me otherwise.”

(Later:)

Waitress: “So, how is everything, ladies?”

Me: “It’s wonderful, and thank you for what you said to that man.”

Waitress: *blushing* “I don’t know what you’re talking about, ma’am.”

(We left a huge tip that night.)

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