Hats Off To Humor

, , , , , | Right | September 23, 2020

One day after work, I decide to run a well-known store for groceries and while I’m there, I decide to buy some beer. I’m twenty-six and I usually look at least my age or older because I’m losing my hair from the front rather than the back. Today, I’m wearing my T-shirt from work and a hat.

Cashier: “I need to see your ID. You don’t look twenty-one.”

Me: *Takes off my hat* “Now I do!”

The cashier, the lady behind me in line, and I all burst out laughing.

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I Didn’t Swear I Swear!

, , , | Right | September 23, 2020

I’m working at a Renaissance Faire — my first job — where the fairground is built in a circle formation. Security has blocked off part of the circle and designated the gate as “employees only”. This has been in force for all four weeks. As the nearest worker to the gate, I try to politely inform customers that they must go around.

Me: “Good morrow, miladies!”

They ignore me and keep walking.

Me: “Miladies, please do be advised that the gate be intended for employees only.”

Customer: “Don’t get an attitude with me! My husband works here, you know!”

Me: “Milady, I work here, too. Please do not go through that gate.”

She huffs and continues through the gap in the fence. I hear her talking to security on the other side.

Customer: “That girl at the soda booth had such an attitude!”

I don’t hear the rest, but when the security guard peers around the barrier, I raise my hands in an irritated gesture. Later, one of the other security people comes over to me.

Security: “I heard you had an altercation with some customers. What did you say to them?”

I recount the conversation.

Security: “Okay, well, they said you swore at them.”

Me: “What? W-why would they say that? I don’t swear!”

By this point, I am tearing up. I never, ever swear, and especially not at people I’ve never met before.

Manager: “What happened?!”

Security: “Some customers accused her of swearing at them. She says she didn’t do it.”

Manager: “I believe you, [My Name]. You okay?”

I was now crying hard enough that I couldn’t talk. He was kind enough to sit with me until I calmed down, and many of my coworkers came by to say that they didn’t believe the customers, either. I can’t wait to go work at that faire next year!

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Nobody Likes The Old Switcheroo

, , , , | Working | September 23, 2020

I’m looking for an item online for a curbside pickup. It’s an item I’ve been looking for for over three months. Unfortunately, it is out of stock in my local area, and the closest place where it is available is about forty-five miles or an hour’s drive away.

I call [Store #1] and ask if it can be shipped to a home address. They tell me they are unable to do so, but they can transfer it to a closer store, [Store #2]. They say they have set the item aside and tell me to call [Store #2] to initiate the transfer. 

I call [Store #2] next. 

Me: “Hello, I have an unusual request. Is a manager available, please?”

I know this phrase usually causes fear or eye-rolling, but I also know it’s a little more complicated, so I try to be polite.

Employee #1: “I’m the manager on duty. What can I do for you?”

Me: “Great! I was looking to have [item] transferred to your store from [Store #1]. I just got off the phone with them and they are holding it so you can start the transfer.”

Employee #1: “Okay. Do you have the product information?”

Me: “Absolutely!”

I provide the item number, description, and quantity needed.

Employee #1: “Awesome. I’m going to put you on a brief hold.”

A few minutes go by and she comes back on the line. 

Employee #1: “All right, so it looks like we don’t have any in stock, and the warehouse doesn’t have any in stock. [Store #1] has eight in stock so we cannot transfer the item to [Store #1].”

I facepalm; this is exactly the OPPOSITE of what I am trying to do.

Me: “Thank you for checking; however, I was calling to have the item from [Store #1] transferred to your location. I have confirmed inventory and availability with the other store. I just need your store to call [Store #1] to start the transfer.”

Employee #1: “Oh, well, they have to do the paperwork and it needs to be paid for before it’s transferred over.”

Me: “That’s understandable and doable. Which one of you do I pay?”

Employee #1: “Uh, you would pay them… old on a minute.”

I hear the sounds of the phone being passed to another person.

Employee #2: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, I was just trying to have an item delivered to your…”

Employee #2: “Yes, I got all that. But we can’t send them the item. We don’t have any.”

I facepalm again, annoyed but trying to be polite.

Me: “I got that. But it’s the other way around. I want the item to be sent to you.”

Employee #2: “But they have to do the paperwork. And it has to be paid for. And, shoot, they are out of state and not in our district, which means taxes are different. Can you drive there to pick it up? I mean, gas is cheaper than the shipping would be.”

Me: “It’s forty-five miles one way from my house, so I was trying to avoid a ninety-mile round trip drive. But I really need this item, so I will do that. Thank you.”

I call [Store #1] and speak with the same person I spoke to originally.

Me: “All right, so I called [Store #2] and they were so confused. So I’m going to have to come and get it.”

Employee #1: “I bet! I’ve got it pulled for you. Do a curbside pickup which will reserve the fabric for you! And there’s a 50%-off coupon on our app, if you have it. Otherwise, 20%-off curbside.”

Me: “Oh, you are awesome! I work, so it might be Wednesday before I can get it.”

Employee #1: “Awesome! I’ll put a note on it!”

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A Different Kind Of Anti-Vax Rant

, | Right | September 23, 2020

I’ll start by saying anyone has been around as long as I have will recognize this is an old story because the VAX was one of the big mainframe computers, not one that took an entire room, but a good portion of one. Relevant to the story is the fact that the software for these computers was put on reel to reel tapes that were shipped to the customers.

I work for a company that manufactures software for these computers and it is quite easy for a bug in the software to cause the computers to crash. I take a support call:

Caller: “Your software crashed our system!”

This is how the caller announces himself, so immediately I do the apologetic that’s so awful and I’m so sorry, etc.

Me: “Could you tell me where you loaded the software?”

Caller: “I walked into the computer room and set it on top of the computer and the whole system went down.”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Caller: “I sent the tape reel on top of the computer and it crashed! You crashed my VAX!”

Me: “Could I have you hold just a moment please, sir?”

I mute my headset and start laughing. My coworker next to me notices.

Coworker: “What’s happening?”

Me: “Apparently we crashed this guy’s computer by osmosis.”

Coworker: “How?!”

Me: “We apparently are that powerful. Merely touching our software to the outside of the system caused the entire system to die.”

I return to the customer and give him instructions on how to send us his crash log of what was happening when the system went down. Spoiler alert: Our software was not the cause of the problem.

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Giving Them A Grand Opening To Exit Peacefully

, , | Right | September 23, 2020

Customer: “I was in here a few weeks before and gotten shorted on one of my carryout meals. We were leaving town and we didn’t notice until we had driven too far to come back for it, Can you please give me another meal to make up for it.”

Me: “I’ll need to check with the owner for that.”

The owner is nearby so I call him over and ask the customer to repeat the story. The owner asked him to verify that it was a couple of weeks before, which the customer does.

Owner: “I see. I want to know if you noticed the ‘Grand Opening’ sign on the building as you walked in, as we’ve only been open for two days.”

He comments as he quickly slouches his way back out:

Me: “I… have not noticed the sign. Maybe he was thinking of a different restaurant…”

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