Coming back to work from lunch, I am cut off by a guy who stops in the middle of the road because a fire truck has pulled up to turn out of the fire station. He stops for absolutely NO REASON; the fire truck isn’t going anywhere code. It has no lights or sirens on, nothing.

I throw up my hands as if to say, “What the f*** are we waiting for?” The guy jumps out of his car and storms up to my window.

Guy: “I’m stopping because the yellow light is flashing! That means that they are pulling out, and legally, that means I have to stop!”

Me: “No, that light always blinks yellow to warn you to pay attention because they do come out of there quickly, and at that point, you are to stop!”

Guy: “Wrong!”

The fireman overhears the whole conversation and yells from the fire truck:

Fireman: “Sir, she’s right! That light always blinks yellow as a caution to pay attention, not because we were pulling out.”

Embarrassed, the guy hops back into his car and storms off. I follow him up to the front of our building where he parks and gets out and walks to our door. Realizing we are closed for lunch, he turns around right into me.

Me: “Can I help you with something?”

Guy: “Why are you following me?”

Me: “Sir, I work here!”

He won’t be a return customer!

(I am dealing with a heart condition that I’ve only just learned about. Anything that raises my heart rate or blood pressure too much can send me into a gasping fit as my heart tries to keep up. It should be noted that I have Asperger’s and can get unreasonably upset if I have to repeat the same answer multiple times. My boss is aware of this and working with me on how to handle it. I’m currently in a meeting with another team, retroactively discussing an issue we had.)

Other Manager: “Well, we just don’t understand how this even happened.”

Me: “According to the audit logs, someone logged into the account and performed [action]. That lead to the system recognizing that’s what the user wanted, so it did [other action] for it.”

Other Manager: “Well… can you guarantee this won’t happen again?”

Me: “Well… No…  can’t guarantee that someone won’t log into the account and perform [action] again.”

Other Manager: “Why doesn’t the system protect against that?”

Me: “Because it’s what is supposed to happen anytime someone performs [action]. Every other team uses it in that manner. It’s just that your team doesn’t need it; I’m not even sure why someone on your team needs to use that function.”

Other Manager: “Oh, they don’t. We didn’t even know that’s what it does.”

Me: “Well, then, it sounds like the solution is to tell your team to stop doing it.”

Other Manager: “Well, can you guarantee it won’t happen to us again?”

(That cycle repeats itself a few times. Around the fifth time we get to that question, I lose control of myself and throw my politeness out the window)

Me: *angrily* “NO! Can you guarantee that your team has more brains than you do?!” *starts gasping and slumps down onto the ground*

Other Manager: *oblivious* “I just don’t see how this even happened!”

My Boss: “[Other Manager], I’m going to stop you right there. First, we need to get [My Name] to the hospital.” *looks at other person in meeting, who is already calling 911* “Second, [My Name] has already answered that four times. He’s answered all of your questions four times and I’m satisfied with what he’s given you. Go figure out how to stop your team from being as stupid as you are because right now, your stupidity is literally killing one of my best.”

Me: “Thank you for calling the Law Office of [Lawyer]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “I missed a call from this number; is this a restaurant?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry. This is a law office.”

Caller: “Oh! I’m sorry, then. Thank you!” *Hangs up*

Not even two minutes later, I take a call from the same caller. This time she has the right number and I take her message for the lawyer to call her back. Before the call ends…

Me: “Thank you for calling! I’ll make sure the attorney gets your message.”

Caller: “Thank you! And by the way, this is not a restaurant, right?”

I’m working in the tech section of a large office supply chain. I have been doing quite well selling our service plans with the products lately, so I feel fairly confident when a scruffy-looking guy in his mid-twenties walks in.

Me: “Is there anything I can help you with, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for a GPS.”

Me: “Great, they’re right over this way.”

We walk over to the section with all our GPS systems.

Me: “Here we go. Anything specific you’re looking for?”

He picks one out pretty quickly. It’s a good basic model, and one that I would very much recommend for the price.

Customer: “Good.”

Me: “Could I interest you in also purchasing one of our service plans?”

Customer: “Well, what are my options?”

Me: “Okay, well, for [price], there is a plan where we can replace the GPS with a brand-new one if it fails or breaks within a year.”

Customer: “Hmm, any other plans?”

Me: “No, sir, not for the GPS systems.”

Customer: “I thought you had plans where you… fix it in the store… or something.”

Me: “We do, but not for the GPS systems, unfortunately, because we aren’t equipped to adequately fix them in-store.”

Customer: “Well, I want that plan.”

Me: “Sir, it’s not available for the GPS systems.”

Customer: “I want that one.”

This goes on for ten minutes, before he storms off with the GPS, grabs a brochure for the plan he can’t have, and heads to a cashier who has JUST opened her register.

Customer: “I want this with this plan.”

I tried to go warn the cashier that he’d just be wasting money, but my manager stopped me and said we’d done our best. The customer bought the non-existent plan. Three weeks later, he came back in… and we had to go through this whole process again.

My mom has anxiety issues when it comes to things going according to plan, and she loses perspective on the feelings of others and becomes incredibly inflexible. I have decided to take up canning. Being in California, there’s a ton of varieties of local produce and I want to be able to enjoy them all year long. I mention it to my mom during a phone call and we have this exchange.

Mom: “You want to do what?”

Me: “Canning. It’s when you make preserves or sauces, put them in sterile mason jars, and seal them. It doesn’t seem that complicated and it doesn’t cost much…”

Mom: “No.”

Me: “No?”

My mom looks at me as if I just said I was going to hunt for fairies.

Mom: “No, you’re not going to do that.”

Me: “Why not? It’s a great way to use fruits and veggies from the farmers’ market.”

Mom: “No… [My Name], no…”

Me: “Seriously?”

Sounding like she’s tired of my foolish ideas, my mom just says:

Mom:  “Goodbye, [My Name]” *Hangs up*

However, I was 27 by then, and although my parents were still helping me finish my final degree program, I still lived on my own and had two part-time jobs, so I went ahead with my plan. By the time she found out about it, I had several batches of tomato sauces jarred, as well as a few different jams. She saw what I had created and was immediately impressed.

For the next three years, every time she came over, she’d “go shopping,” which meant she’d look over my collection of jars to see what new things I’d made and then pick out what she wanted to take with her. She even had me come to her house to jar some of her home-grown produce. When I was getting ready to move away, she decided to have me teach her how to can and now she makes her own jams and jellies.

Related:
The Mother Of All Anxieties
The Mother Of All Anxieties, Part 2
The Mother Of All Anxieties, Part 3