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They Need A Word Filter

, , , , | Right | June 15, 2020

I live in a state that has a rather unique dialect which can lead to confusion.

Customer: “Excuse me, miss, do you carry Briters?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what was that again?”

Customer: “Briters.”

Me: “I’ve never heard of that before. Could you describe what a briter is so I can point you in the right direction?”

Customer: “You know, Briter water filters, for purifying tap water.” 

Me:Oh! You want Brita water filters.”

Customer: “Yes, that’s what I said.”

Me: “Right this way.”

Customer: “You’re not from around here, are you?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I was born and raised in this state.”

Customer: “That’s impossible! You don’t talk like you’re from around here at all! You have to be from outta state!”

Me: “I can assure you, ma’am, I’ve lived in this state my entire life.”

Customer: “That’s not possible!”

Micromanaging To The Next Level

, , , , | Working | June 15, 2020

I spend my shift sorting through the regular-priced merchandise and pulling out all of the clearance. On my break, I walk past one of the managers who is notoriously awful on my way to the bathroom. While I am in there, in the stall mind you, she pops in the door and starts talking to me.

Manager: “You can’t even go to the bathroom in peace around here! How are you doing over there?”

Initially, I think she is actually talking about my bathroom functions, but I realize she means my area of the store.

Me: “Fine.”

I’m hoping she’ll go away.

Manager: “Okay, are you wrapping up over there?”

Me: “Yes.”

Manager: “Is there a lot of clearance?”

Me: “Yes.”

My manager then began chatting with some other associate or customer outside the door. I washed my hands and booked it past her and took my break. I know, I should have said, “I’ll talk to you when I’m done and not a moment sooner!” But I was so surprised and angry that I didn’t think of it immediately.

Two Soda Stops For The Price Of One Jerk

, , , , , , | Working | June 15, 2020

There is a convenience store that I pass every day during my commute. I’ve never gone inside it before, but I develop a hankering for a soda on the way home one day, so I decide to give it a shot. There is nobody inside except for one cashier, whom I presume to be the owner.

I go over and pick out my soda. While the shelf advertises them at two for $3, I only want one. I don’t mind paying the regular price, but it is nowhere to be seen. I take my soda up to the counter to pay.

Cashier: “You have to buy two of these sodas if you want the deal.”

Me: “I know. I only want the one, though.”

Cashier: “You can’t buy only one. You have to buy two.”

Me: “I understand. I don’t mind paying the normal price; I just want to know what the normal price is.”

Cashier: “You have to buy two! You can’t buy one!”

Me: “I understand! I just—”

Cashier: “No, you do not understand! Get out of my store or I’ll call the cops!”

I gave up at this point and left empty-handed. I got my soda fix at a fast-food place just up the street. If anything, at least I now have a partial explanation for why that convenience store’s parking lot is almost always empty whenever I pass it on my commute.

Sometimes They Just Phone It In

, , , , | Working | June 15, 2020

My husband and I wanted to switch wireless providers. We have already talked with an agent online, had a quote and package all set up, and reserved the phones we wanted for our upgrades. We arrive ten minutes ahead of our appointment, so we browse the store. When our appointment time comes, we approach the only available representative.

Me: “Hello. We have an appointment to set up a new phone plan.”

The representative glances at us but says nothing. My husband and I look at each other.

Husband: “Do we talk to you or is there a specific person?”

Representative: “No.”

Husband: “Uhh, no, we don’t talk to you or no, there’s no specific person?”

Representative: “Try the kiosk in the mall.”

Me: “No, we have an appointment here.”

I show him the confirmation email.

Me: “See?”

Representative: “Sometimes the online system doesn’t work right. You don’t have an appointment but I can squeeze you in now.”

Husband: *To me* “That seems odd.”

Representative: *Sighs* “Look, man, I’m just going by the computer. What are you trying to do, upgrade?”

Who calls customers “man”?

Me: “We want to open an account and upgrade our phones. We’re currently with [Other Provider]. We have a—”

Representative: “Okay. I need you to fill out this information. Is your husband in charge?”

Husband: “The account will be in my name, yes.” 

Me: “We have a quote from [Employee] on your website. It’s $30 a line per month.”

Representative: “I don’t think we can do that.”

Me: “I have screenshots of our conversation.”

Representative: *Shrugs* “Sometimes the robots are wrong.”

Husband: “It’s also on the sign in the window.”

Representative: *Glances at the sign* “Okay, we’ll try it.”

He collects our basic info. We are silent for a moment while he clicks around. 

Representative: “All right, so, I don’t know who you talked to, but we can’t do $30 a month.”

Me: “Why?”

Representative: “So, see, it’s like this. If you’re upgrading and your phone is, say, $500. You’re trading in a phone that is $100. That’s $400 per phone, spaced out over the contract, so you’re paying more than $30.”

Husband: “That’s not right.”

Representative: “Yeah, it’s called leasing so you don’t have to pay everything up front.”

Me: “Maybe I wasn’t clear. We’re buying the phones outright.”

Representative: “Right, so you buy it today with your activation and then you make little payments every month.”

Me: “Why? We’re not leasing the phones. We want to pay for them in full.”

Representative: *Speaking slowly* “Okay, listen to what I’m saying. You can’t—”

Husband: *Puts his hand up* “No. Get your boss.”

The representative throws his pen down on the desk and walks into the back room. My husband and I stand there for a few minutes before someone else approaches us. Her nametag has the word “MANAGER” on it, so we assume the first representative went to get her.

Manager: “Hi, I’m [Manager]. Are you being helped?”

Me: “We’re actually waiting to speak with a manager. [Representative] was here but he left a few minutes ago when we said we wanted his boss.”

Manager: “Oh, I’m the manager on duty. [Representative] actually went to lunch. How can I help?”

We are quite upset to learn that the first representative just left like that. We tell the manager what happened and she listens, her face getting more serious as we go on. 

Manager: “I am very sorry about that. I will have a word with [Representative]. In the meantime, please let me try to make this right for you. I can certainly set up an account using the quote you brought with you. I encourage you to fill out the customer satisfaction survey offered at the bottom of your receipt.”

The manager set us up without a single issue. A week later, my husband and I were walking around the mall and saw the first representative working at a kiosk for another cell phone provider. He glared at us as we walked by.

Customer Service Can Provide Some Near-Death Experiences

, , , , , , | Right | June 15, 2020

A customer places a houseplant on the checkout counter. It is a lovely dwarf jade with purple stems and light green foliage with yellow edges. I smile and start ringing his order when the customer says:

Customer: “I don’t suppose you offer any ‘Approaching Death’ discounts?”

No one has ever asked me that before and I am not really sure what he means. At first, I’m thinking that this poor man is inflicted with some kind of fatal illness. Realizing that this is a weird discount to ask for, my next conclusion is that he is using a funny way of asking for a SENIOR discount. The man only appears to be in his late thirties so that doesn’t really seem right either.

After an awkward amount of silence and solid eye contact, I finally say:

Me: “Um… well… we do have a senior discount… if that is what you are asking.”

Now the customer looks confused, and we share another few awkward moments of silence before he bursts out laughing and points at the jade and says:

Customer: “The plant! The plant is approaching death! Not me!”

I, too, burst out laughing and explain that the purple stems and yellow edges on the plant are, in fact, natural, and that the plant is healthy.

Me: “So, unfortunately, no, we cannot offer any ‘Approaching Death’ discounts at this time.”


This story is part of our Houseplant roundup!

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