Customer: “Hi. I was wondering if I could return this book?”

Me: “Certainly. Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “Oh, no, I don’t. I ordered it online, so…”

Me: “I can look you up by your order number, if you have that.”

I move toward the computer to pull up our mail order list.

Customer: “I won’t be in there. I bought on Amazon and just wanted to see if I could return in here.”

Me: “Oh, no, I’m sorry, but we can only take back items that were purchased at our store.”

I looked over to my coworker as the customer left, and he looked as baffled as I felt.

I’m shopping at a twenty-four-hour grocery store pretty late at night. I’m browsing the aisles when I overhear this gem.

Customer: “Excuse me, are you in charge here?! That employee over there just swore at me!”

Employee: “The f*** did that b**** say now?!”

One of the parking lots for my building requires you to pull a ticket if you don’t have badge access to the lot. Once the ticket is turned in to security, we’ll give out tokens so people can leave the lot. There’s an intercom at the entrance and exit for anyone having trouble, so they can reach security.

Me: *Over the intercom* “Security, can I help you?”

Driver: “Yeah, how do I get into the lot? I don’t have a badge.”

There’s a sign at the front of the lot, as well as a notice by the intercom telling drivers what to do.

Me: “Sir, you need a ticket.”

Driver: “I do? I didn’t see a notice! How do I get one?”

Me: “Sir, there’s a ticket dispenser just a few inches from the intercom.”

Driver: “So… how do I get a ticket?”

Me: “Sir, the button says to push.”

Driver: “So, I push the button?”

Me: “Yes.”

Driver: “Will I get a ticket?”

Me: “Yes.”

Driver: “Where’s the dispenser again?”

Me: *Head-desk* “Right next to you, sir.”

Driver: “Oh! So… uh… Now what do I do?”

Me: “Take a ticket, sir.”

Driver: “Oh… and what do I do with that?”

Me: “Bring it to security for a token, so you can leave the lot.”

A lot of drivers understand the process at this point, but at least once a day, we get this over the exit intercom from someone trying to leave.

Me: “Security, can I help you?”

Driver: “Yeah, hi, I got a ticket when I came in, but there’s nowhere to return it so I can get out!”

Today, I was talking on Messenger with a friend whom I haven’t gotten to see in months because of the quarantine. She was feeling particularly down-in-the-dumps, so I decided to send her some fun GIFs to cheer her up.

After some browsing, I found a GIF that showed a clip of someone pushing brightly-colored confetti across the floor, reversed so that it revealed the words “ur pretty”. Content with my light-hearted choice, I clicked the GIF and watched it send out into cyberspace.

And then, I watched in horror as the GIF played again on my screen. After the person in the GIF revealed the words “ur pretty,” there was a pause before they continued moving to reveal the word “UGLY” in much larger letters. I hadn’t realized there was more to this GIF!

I quickly scrambled to apologize to my friend who, luckily, found it hilarious. Lesson learned: watch the entire GIF before you click!

I am waiting to pay for my burrito at a certain well-known Mexican restaurant when an older man walks up to the counter with a plastic ramekin of salsa and hands it to the cashier.

Customer: “Here, I didn’t use all of it.”

He walks away.

Me: *To the cashier* “We have trash cans for a reason. Why did he give it to you?”

Cashier: “I think he thinks maybe someone else will want it?”

Me: “Eww. No one wants your nasty used salsa, dude. What’s wrong with people?”

Cashier: “Yeah, let me just put this back in the dish. No. They do this all the time.”