I’ve just been hired on as a security guard following a layoff, and I had this job recommended by a friend. I go into the office to get my new schedule.

Me: *Reviewing the sheet* “This doesn’t work.”

Receptionist: *Rolls her eyes* “You’re new; you don’t get the best assignments until we get to know you.”

Me: *Holds up the sheet* “You’ve got me working thirty-six hours in two days, with less than four hours total between shifts.”

Receptionist: “So? Like I said, you don’t get the best shifts right away.”

I’m starting to realize this job is a mistake.

Me: “You’re barely giving me time to drive from one job to the other, much less get food, shower, and sleep.”

Receptionist: “You’ve got your schedule.”

Me: “You’ve hired me on to protect our customers and their property, right?”

Receptionist: “That’s your job.”

Me: “How confident do you think they’ll feel about knowing that you’re assigning them a guard who’s been awake for two days straight?”

Receptionist: “FINE.”

The receptionist snatches the schedule back and goes in back, presumably to talk to whoever issued my assignment, before returning. She snaps, “HERE!” and throws the new schedule at me. Looking over the schedule, I notice another error.

Me: “Can I talk to the coordinator directly?”

Receptionist: “No! He’s busy. You’re lucky he changed your schedule at all.”

Me: “Did you tell him I was unsatisfied with my hours?”

Receptionist: *Eyes me* “Did you listen at the door?”

Me: “No. You just gave me the same schedule, with a fourth shift overlapping two of the others. You’re literally expecting me to be in two places at once now.”

Receptionist: “What is your problem? You want the overtime, don’t you?”

Me: “It’s no good to me if I fall asleep driving, and no good if you reprimand me for not being at one location because I’m still working another.”

The receptionist throws up her hands and walks into the back, not even taking the schedule this time. After a few minutes, another woman — the coordinator — storms out.

Coordinator: “Sign this. This is a written reprimand for insubordination.”

I silently show her the schedule. 

Coordinator: *Reads over it* “Oh. Uh, I’m sorry. I cut and pasted the wrong hours onto your schedule. Just a minute.” *Returns to the back*

The receptionist returns and wordlessly hands me a new schedule, one with long shifts but plenty of time to return home and rest between them.

Me: “Thank you.”

Receptionist: “Yeah.”

She waves me off without looking at me. I make a mental note to contact another shift manager about this behavior, but midway through my second shift, I get a phone call.

Receptionist: “Why aren’t you at [location #4, the overlapping shift from the second awful schedule]? You were supposed to be there two hours ago!”

I still had four hours to go on my current shift.

I hung up, and on the way home at the end of the current shift, I dropped off my uniform and explained that I quit, effective immediately. They kept calling me all week to demand to know why I was not at a shift, and I had to keep reminding them I’d quit.

I’m a fairly new mobile phone salesperson. A customer I dealt with previously has come back to my store to have me fix a problem with their phone activation. After calling their carrier, I get the error sorted and their phones working.

Customer: “So, where’s our gas rebate?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I want a gas rebate! I had to drive a hundred miles round-trip twice to get this taken care of!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry that you had to make that drive, but all we can do is fix the problem you had with the phone; we don’t do gas rebates here.”

Customer: “Fine. I want an iTunes Store card.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be—”

Customer: “No, I want it for free.”

Me: “We can’t do that.”

The customer wanders off. Five minutes later, my manager comes up.

Manager: “Hey, we got some people up at customer service that are demanding free gift cards and stuff. I saw you working with them. Did you promise them anything?”

Me: “No.”

They were there for another thirty minutes before apparently giving up. I haven’t seen them since.

My husband and I operate a gift shop that sells handmade ceramic items. One day, we are participating in a craft show where we have dragons, ceramic eggs, and orbs for sale, among other items. A little boy around five years old comes into the booth with his mother. 

Boy: “Mommy, look at the dragons!”

Mom: “They look very nice, but they’ll break; please don’t touch.”

Boy: “Mommy, dragon eggs! I bet if we get one of these, a dragon will hatch!” 

Mom: “Honey, I don’t think so.”

Boy: “Please, Mommy, can I have one? I bet a dragon like this purple and orange one will hatch from the purple egg with spots.”

Mom: “Not right now. Let’s go look in the next booth; your Dad is over there.” 

Boy: “But Mom…”

Twenty minutes later, she is back without the little boy.

Mom: “I have to have this egg. If for no other reason than the memory of that conversation. He’s going to spend days checking this egg.”

Every time we sell one of those eggs, we smile wondering if he’s figured out what type of dragon is going to hatch. 

Related:
Who Doesn’t Love Dragons?

One afternoon while working as a teller at the bank, I call up a nicely-dressed man who hands me a check to cash along with an out-of-state license. While helping him, I do the whole mandatory chatting thing.

Me: “I hope you’re enjoying your visit to [Town]. What brings you here?”

Customer: “I’m the district manager for [Sub Shop Chain]. I’m spending a few days visiting the local franchises in the area. Surprise inspections.”

Me: *With a happy squeal* “Oh, I love [Sub Shop Chain] subs! They’re the best! I probably order there at least once a week.”

Customer: “I’m glad to hear from a satisfied customer. Do you have any feedback on your local store you’d like to share with me?”

Me: “I really do love the subs, and the delivery is freaky fast. The only problem I run into is that when I order delivery they put mayo on my sub about half the time, and then I have to drive over to the store to get my sub remade. Mind you, they always replace it with a smile; I just wish they’d stop putting mayo on it, to begin with. Yuck. I can’t specify ‘no mayo’ because the Italian sub doesn’t even come with mayo. It comes with vinaigrette. So, it would be nice if there was a ‘no mayo’ option even if the sub isn’t supposed to come with mayo. Or maybe a comment box to make specifications about your order. I’ve tried to put it in the delivery instruction box, but that doesn’t help.”

Customer: *With a disgusted face* “Mayo and vinaigrette on the same sandwich? That sounds awful! I’ll look into that.”

After work that night, I decide that subs for dinner sound delicious, so I place a delivery order for the family. Fifteen minutes later, I’m unwrapping my sub to check for the devil’s condiment. Sure enough, there’s mayonnaise on my Italian sub. Ugh.

My family knows the deal by this point, so they don’t say anything as I rewrap the sandwich and set off to return it to the store. I’m just getting out of my car in the parking lot when I notice the man getting out of the car parked two spaces away from me. It’s the district manager I chatted with earlier in the day, arriving for a surprise inspection of the store.

Customer: “Mayo on the Italian?”

Me: “Yep.”

Customer: “Unbelievable! Come with me.”

He walked me into the shop, called all of the workers into a huddle, and gave them an earful about following the listed ingredients for the subs to increase customer satisfaction and avoid food waste. I heard one of the workers interject that “a sandwich is DRY without mayo!” but he was quickly chided by the district manager that there was a specific ingredient list for each sub, and it needed to be followed regardless of his opinions on the matter.

My sub was quickly remade by an unsmiling employee, and the district manager handed me several coupons for free subs while apologizing for my inconvenience.

It’s been a few weeks, but I’m afraid to use those coupons now. I might get an Italian without mayo, but there might be some other unsavory additions after the district manager chewed them out because of me!

I help people with their problems on their applications.

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company]. This is the helpline; how may I help you?”

Customer: “I need help with ya computer s***.”

Me: “Okay, I’m glad to help. What do you see on your desktop computer that is giving you problems?”

Customer: “I see my TV dinner, Pepsi cola, and lipstick. How in da h*** are you going to help me asking what I am eating?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I am asking what’s on your desktop screen; is it on?”

Customer: “Oh, nah, it’s blank. How do you turn it on?”

Me: “It’s like a car; you must press the button to start it.”

Customer: “I don’t have no keys for this s***.”