Turn That Crown Upside Down

, , , , | Right | February 20, 2010

Me: “Do you have a Crown Club Card?”

Customer: “Crown Club? More like Clown Club! What a worthless program!”

Me: “Actually, if you had a Club Card today, you would get a coupon for a small popcorn for $1.”

Customer: “Where do I sign up?”

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Please See The Hypothetical Aisle

, , | Right | February 19, 2010

(A customer comes in looking for an item I knew we do not carry.)

Customer: “Where would I find a [item]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t carry that.”

Customer: *stares at me awhile* “Well, if you did carry it, what aisle would it be in?”

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Purell-y Out Of His Mind

, , , , | Right | February 19, 2010

Customer: “Mmm, it smells great in here! I sure do love the coffee here at [coffee shop]!”

Me: “Well, I’m glad! Would you like a coffee then?”

Customer: “So tell me, how do you brew your coffee here? Is this your coffee making machine?”

Me: “Yes, sir, it is.”

Customer: “Tell me, young woman, how does this machine work? How do you clean it?”

Me: “Well, we put coffee in these baskets, and it brews into these pots. We clean them with–”

Customer: “Because, see, I have a fantastic business idea for you! It will be a great investment opportunity, a revolutionary way to brew coffee! I will share stock with you, if you help me!”

Me: “Sir, if you have a suggestion, your best bet would be to submit it to [company website]. I don’t control what equipment we use or how we brew coffee. Can I get you a drink?”

Customer: “Because, see, I love coffee! But my clothes are never clean! And you know that sanitizer stuff… what’s it called… Purell?”

Me: “Uhh… I guess.”

Customer: “Right! So, see… what you need to do is put the Purell in the coffee and then brew it. Then, when I drink the coffee, it will be sanitized, and when the coffee seeps out my pores, it will clean my clothes while I am wearing them! It is revolutionary!”

Me: “Sir, again, I don’t control operations here, so you need to submit this idea to our corporate office. I can’t help you.”

Customer: “It will save so much time! I have a whole system worked out. I call it ‘Pizazz.’ Would you like to be a shareholder with me? We will make so much money!”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Customer: “PIZAZZ! Don’t you get it? Pores. Clothes. Cleaning! Would anybody else that works here like to buy stock?”

Me: “Sir, I doubt it.”

Customer: “Okay, thank you so very much for your time. It will be a revolution! You are beautiful!” *wanders out the door, still rambling about his big idea*

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They’re Not Zits, But They Rhyme With Them

, , , | Right | February 19, 2010

(Customer walks up to front desk in waiting room area and places kitty carrier on desk.)

Me: “Hi, do you need an appointment?”

Customer: “Uh. No. I just need some acne cream for cats.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: *pulls cat out of carrier and sets on desk* “See? She has acne on her belly.”

Me: “Those aren’t acne. Those are nipples.”

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Neither Conspiracy Nor Coincidence Nor Concept Of Time

, , , | Right | February 18, 2010

Me: “[Restaurant], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, what time do you stop serving breakfast?”

Me: “10:30.”

Customer: “Okay, and what time does lunch start?”

Me: “10:30.”

Customer: “Well, that works out nicely, doesn’t it?”

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