They Must Be From The Magic Mushroom Kingdom

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 20, 2017

(The roommate and I are watching videos online when I get momentarily distracted. The roommate notices.)

Roommate: “What are you thinking about so hard?”

Me: “Oh, just what shade of red I should make Waluigi’s super cape, and where I’m going to find a maple leaf cut-out to sew on it. Or maybe I should just get an applique. And do you think I can use the same white mesh for his bridal veil as for Yoshi’s toilet paper?”

Roommate: *after a long pause* “It’s too early for alcohol. It’s too early for alcohol…”

Me: “Hey, you asked!”

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Bleeding Puns

, , , | Healthy | November 20, 2017

(I’m in the ER with some potential heart issues. At one point, I get a very nice lady in to draw some blood, and she’s joined by a coworker who’s about to go off shift. My elbow veins aren’t cooperating, so I have to get blood drawn from the back of my hand as well. It goes faster after that, and soon, the lady who’s leaving heads out, then pokes her head back in the door.)

Phlebotomist: “Thanks for letting me stick around!”

(My mom and I couldn’t stop laughing. Definitely made the whole visit bearable!)

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Even Though The Sound Of It Is Something Quite Horrocious

, , , , | Learning | November 20, 2017

(My mother worked as a secretary at the school my younger brothers and I attended from kindergarten to eighth grade, and had her share of humorous mishaps. When I enter middle school and begin getting dismissed earlier, I bring a book to my mother’s office and read until it’s time to pick up my brothers. On this day, she’s a little nervous about having to call some higher-ups about a chronically truant student, and repeatedly reminds me to be quiet when she finally picks up the phone.)

Mom: “This student’s attendance is—” *intending to say either “horrendous” or “atrocious”* “—horrocious!” *realizes what she’s said, smacks her forehead with one hand* “I mean…”

(Luckily, the person on the other end of the phone actually found it pretty funny, and, “That’s horrocious!” became a bit of a running joke with the staff for a while.)

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Cold Hard Cash Meets The Cold Hard Truth

, , , , | Right | November 20, 2017

(I work at a bank. A customer calls in asking for several overdraft fees back, and only gets an approval for one fee. These fees are accumulated over a period of two weeks.)

Customer: “You should refund all fees. I have the money.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I’m confused. I do not see any deposits made before or after the charges. The account is still overdrawn.”

Customer: “I have the money in my hands now. I had it weeks ago; I just did not have the time to deposit it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there is no way for us to use those funds unless you deposit them. The fees are valid.”

Customer: “But I have the money!” *hangs up*

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Groomed For Success

, , , , , | Working | November 20, 2017

(My coworkers are chatting in the staff room when I arrive.)

Coworker #1: “It’s not hard; you just have to be patient, you know? A hug here, a pat on the back there, and back off if they get uncomfortable. Keep pushing their limits, but not so much that you push them away. Slow and steady, and you’ll get there eventually.” *notices me watching* “Oh, hey, [My Name]. What’s up?”

Me: “This is what I get for walking in in the middle of the conversation. You’re either breaking in a shy house pet or grooming a molestation victim.”

([Coworkers #2 and #3] chuckle, while [Coworker #4] chokes on his drink. [Coworker #1] sighs patiently.)

Coworker #1: “I’m helping a friend of mine overcome his social anxiety.”

Me: *nodding sagely* “Grooming a victim it is, then.”

([Coworker #1] responded with something that was almost certainly extremely vulgar, but at that point, all of us, including him, were laughing too hard for me to make him out.)

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