Learnt Something At School But Can’t Put Your Finger On It

, , , | Related | April 10, 2017

(As a child, we visited my grandparents every few months and it was customary to make videos. My last grandparent recently passed away and we found the tapes in his belongings. I’m female. I was talking about school at six years old.)

Grandfather: “What did you learn?”

Me: “Math! 1+1=2.”

Grandfather: “What else?”

Me: “Nothing.”

Grandmother: “How about your friends?”

Me: “Ooh. A boy taught me something!”

(Holds up middle finger.)

Me: “He said it means we’re friends.”

(Then the video became very shaky and the audio was unclear — then it went blank.)

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What You Lack In Intelligence You Make Up For In Ignorance

, , , , | Learning | April 3, 2017

(I attend a private religious school and we are currently in ninth grade Bible class. Our teacher has given us a character worksheet to help us determine our strengths and weaknesses. One section involves us circling five words we would use to describe ourselves. The list has about 50 words with the most difficult word being vivacious. The class is mostly girls and is divided into ‘popular’ and ‘nerdy’, with me and my friends being on the nerdy side of the room.)

Popular Girl: “Mr. [Teacher], I don’t know what all these words mean.”

Teacher: “For now just stick with the words you know.”

Friend: *whispers* “That’s gonna be a small list for her.”

Teacher: “Just don’t start asking me what the words mean. I’d rather not waste our entire class time having to read a dictionary.”

Popular Girl: “Mr. [Teacher], what does intelligent mean?”

(The whole class, including the teacher laughs.)

Teacher: “Haha, very funny [Popular Girl], but seriously, I’d like us to have this done before the end of class.”

Popular Girl: “But I don’t know what it means.”

All: “Seriously?”

Popular Girl: “I really don’t know.”

Teacher: “Uh… if you don’t know, then don’t circle it.”

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The Day The Students Flipped

, , , , , , | Learning | March 17, 2017

My school has a cafeteria with high ceilings and windows with ledges about 30 feet up the wall. My classmates have been adamantly practicing the bottle flipping that has been going around the Internet, but as the class clown I know I can’t be outdone by some freshman with a sports drink bottle.

The cafeteria sells special juice bottles that I decide will be perfect for my stunt. I buy one, empty it to about right for bottle flipping, and stand near a wall. Keep in mind I haven’t told anyone what I’m going to do, but soon a couple people see me and the entire cafeteria quickly silences.

I can see the administrator giving me the stink eye, but I don’t let that stop me. I toss the bottle up and by some stroke of luck it lands perfectly on the ledge and the whole room fills with cheers.

I got detention for a lunchroom violation, but each day another food item appeared on the ledge. First there was applesauce, then a box of milk, another water bottle, and finally a sandwich, before the school finally posted an SRO near the ledge to watch for people like me.

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Off With Their Calling Aheads!

, , , , , | Right | February 23, 2017

(I am working the drive-thru at a fast food joint that is very, very popular in my town. One night, it is extremely busy, and everyone working is flustered. Just when it seems to be clearing up, the crowd from the football game shows up. Then after the drive-thru is packed, a bus of students shows up. Between the bus, the packed drive-thru, and the ice cream machine breaking (the weather is still warm at this time), my manager is at his wits’ end. The telephone rings.)

Manager: “Let it ring. We’re too busy.”

Me: *lets it ring and tries to thin out the drive-thru*

(Telephone rings again.)

Manager: *picks up the phone* “[Fast Food]. This is [Manager] speaking.”

Caller: “Yeah, hi, I would like to place an advance order. I saw the line and it looked pretty busy.”

Manager: *starting to get irritated* “I’m very sorry, but we have no time to take your order. A bus just came in and we are swamped right now.”

Caller: “That’s why I called! So I could get my food right away!”

Manager: *really pissed off now* “Well, sorry to disappoint, but there are actual paying customers here who are willing to wait for their food rather than being a little b**** and calling to order when you don’t feel like waiting. Come in and wait, if you ever grow a pair.” *slams phone down and starts to work on the machine*

Customer In Store: *to the cashier at the front* “You guys have the best boss ever.”

(We never knew if the customer on the phone ever came in or not. I guess it takes a while to grow a pair.)

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You’re In Hot Water Now

, , , , | Working | January 25, 2017

(I work at a hotel. It is a cold winter’s day, and a window happens to freeze up.)

Me: “We need to scrape it off; I’ll get the scraper.”

Coworker: “Can’t we just melt it with hot water?”

Me: ”No, the water would just freeze.”

Coworker: “But it’s hot water.”

Me: “It still freezes; I’ll get the scraper.”

(I go to get the scraper and come back seeing my coworker pouring hot water on the ice.)

Me: “What are you doing?!”

Coworker: “I’m melting the ice.”

Me: “I told you not to!”

Coworker: “But it’ll melt faster!”

(Thermodynamics happened; melting didn’t.)

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