Chicken And Buzzers And Gorillas, Oh My

, , , , | Right | October 16, 2017

(I work as a cashier at a popular pizza parlor and place to play arcade games. A man and a woman come in.)

Me: “What can I get for you today?”

Man: “What y’all sell here?”

Me: “Pizza.”

Man: “Y’all got chicken?”

Me: “We have chicken wings, and there are slices of chicken you can put on your pizza.”

Man: “But you don’t got no, like, fried chicken?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Man: “Oh. Y’all got waiters?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Man: “Then how does the food get to us?”

Me: “I’ll give you a buzzer, and when it goes off you can pick your food up over there.”

(By his point, it seems as though the woman he is with is beginning to grow impatient with him.)

Woman: “Okay, we’ll have some breadsticks, and what do you think of a medium pizza for the two of us?”

Man: “Man, I need more than a medium pizza and some breadsticks. I’m like a gorilla!”

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Time To Adopt Plan B

, , , , | Learning | October 16, 2017

(I balance my course load like this: Every semester I choose the highest-intensity class that I can get access to, and balance that class out with the lowest-intensity class available to me toward my degree. That way, I have a consistent workload all four years — I have half of my classes that require a lot of focus and time, while I can breeze through the other half of my work, instead of knocking out classes “in order” and burning myself out by junior and senior year with an increasingly difficult workload with no break. Because I did this, by my last year I am frequently the only senior in a 100-level class full of freshman, like this particular class. I have known this professor for over three years, while my classmates were meeting him for the first time. The professor assigns us into groups for a project with a loose schedule for presentations to be finished over the next two class periods. The day of the first presentations, many of us are in the classroom early before the professor arrives, and I hear muttering all around the room.)

Student #1: “Uh, hey, we’re not ready to present today; can we switch with you and go Thursday instead?”

Student #2:No! We’re not ready, either. Maybe Group D wants to go—”

Student #3: “No way! We’re scheduled to go Thursday, and we need that extra time!”

Me: “Oh, for Pete’s sake.” *addresses the whole room* “Who’s ready to present today?”

(One kid puts his hand up slowly, but his partner slaps it down. No other hands raise.)

Me: “All right, guys, I’ve got this. Watch and learn.”

(Everyone settles down in their seats and the professor arrives in the room.)

Me: “Hey, [Professor’s First Name], does [Professor’s Son] know he’s adopted?”

(The professor whips his head at me with a scandalized look on his face, and the class freezes, wondering what h*** I unleashed.)

Professor: “Does he… know? Are you serious? Of course he knows! He’s black! Look at me; I’m white and Jewish! And you’ve seen my wife… well…” *turns to class* “—you guys don’t know my wife, but [My Name] took my wife’s class last semester. She’s Irish! [Son] knows he’s adopted; are you crazy?”

Student: “Wait, you have an adopted son?”

Professor: *beaming* “Yeah! Actually two of our kids are adopted…”

(My professor then goes off on a string of stories about the foster kids he and his wife have raised and the two they’ve adopted and how much of a nightmare the foster system is, their biological kids, a few trips to Ireland they’ve taken as a family, and several anecdotes about the kids in general.)

Professor: “Oh! D*** it, it’s already 2:30. Who was supposed to present today? Well, we’ve got fifteen minutes left… Nah, screw it. I don’t want to rush you guys presenting; there won’t be time for feedback discussion after if we do that now. Tell you what. I’m shifting everyone forward a day; we’ll just cut class early. See you Thursday!”

(As we filtered out of the classroom, the “kids” and I exchanged a nod.)

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My Relationship With This Bank Is Over(Draft)

, , , , | Working | October 16, 2017

(Due to a bank error, an incorrectly charged fee, I have an overdraft fee on my account. They reverse the incorrect fee they charged, but not the overdraft. I call to have that fixed.)

Employee: “Well, if you had more money, it wouldn’t have been an issue in the first place.”

(She eventually reversed it, but I still went in a few days later to close out the account. I’m not going to deal with a bank or its employees who seem to think overdraft fees for their errors are okay.)

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Unfiltered Story #98079

, , | Unfiltered | October 16, 2017

(The company deals with packing and shipping items from local auction house. I am new to working there and hadn’t been trained yet on what to say to the people who bought auction items when they call, but I do know that when an auction buyer calls, the first thing you do is get their name and find their information. I am closing with a coworker, and my coworker is with a customer when the phone rings.)

Me: Do you want me to finish with your customer so you can get the phone? [Assistant manager] hasn’t trained me in that yet.

Coworker: No, it’s fine. Just say “Thank you for calling [store], this is [name].” Get his name and see what he wants.

Me (answering the phone): Thank you for calling [store], this is [name]. What can I do for you?

Customer: Yeah, you can help me. My name is [name] and I ordered something from [auction house].

Me: Ok, hold on just one second while I find your papers.

Customer: What papers??

Me: The papers that the auction house provides us. They go with the item you bought from them.

(the phone connection went bad for a second, so I didn’t catch what the customer said.)

Me: I’m really sorry, but I didn’t catch that. Either your phone or our phone dropped out for a second there… can you please repeat what you just said?

Customer (yelling): YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME?!?

Me: No, no, the connection just went bad, so I didn’t catch what you said.

Customer: I can’t believe this! I spent all this money and to be disrespected like this! You’re incredibly unprofessional! Your whole business is unprofessional!

Me: I… I’m really sorry, sir. I’m gonna hand the phone to my coworker now.

(My coworker talks to the customer. She’s on the phone with him for less than a minute.)

Me: What did he want?

Coworker: He just wanted to confirm that his items were shipping out tomorrow.

Smothering With A Different Kind Of Love

, , , , , | Romantic | October 16, 2017

(My wife and I are getting ready for bed. She’s been suffering from her allergies, stuffed up really bad. This night, it’s considerably worse than others. I do not condone violence; all of the following is said in jest.)

Wife: “Honey, I’m sorry if I snore too much tonight. If I get too bad, please—”

Me: *interrupting her* “Smother you with a pillow so I can sleep. Got it.”

Wife: “No! Just s—”

Me: *interrupting her again* “Right, smother you with a pillow. No worries.”

Wife: “No! Just roll me over!”

Me: *kissing her on the forehead* “Roger. Pillow, face, smother. Love you. Goodnight.”

(I’m still not sure why she married me.)

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