Barking Up Your Own Tree

, , | Right | September 24, 2009

(Note: our coffee shop shares a building with a fast food place.)

Me: “Good afternoon. This is [Coffee Shop]. [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Hey, are you guys right beside [Fast Food Place]?”

Me: “Yeah, just come in the same door.”

Caller: “Actually, I want to order from them, but they aren’t answering their phone.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Their manager comes in here fairly often. I’ll let him know he’s missing calls.”

Caller: “Will you go over and place my order for me and have it delivered?”

Me: “Ahh, I can’t do that. I don’t work for them.”

Caller: “Please? It will just take a moment. I can’t leave work.”

Me: “Neither can I, sir.”

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Childlike, But Not So Innocent

, , | | Right | September 21, 2009

(Note: as our store is a small business, we have a strict no refunds policy.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return these shoes.”

Manager: “Okay, any particular reason?”

Customer: “The shoe fits my right foot, but the left shoe is too big.”

Manager: “Did they both fit when you bought them?”

Customer: ‘Well, I didn’t try both of them on. The girl–” *motions to me* “–told me I should, but I didn’t.”

Manager: “Well, since they haven’t been worn, we can give you an exchange or a store credit.”

Customer: “I’d like a refund.”

Manager: ¬We could give you a refund if there was something wrong with the shoes, or if we had made a mistake.”

Customer: “But you did! You didn’t make me try on both shoes.”

Manager: “Ma’am, you said my co-worker encouraged you to. We can’t make you try on both shoes.”

Customer: “I still think I should get a refund. It’s your fault! You would make a child try on both shoes, wouldn’t you?!”

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Hell Hath No Fury Like A Pregnant Woman Scorned

, , , | | Right | September 10, 2009

(A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.)

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Can you break a $100 bill?”

Me: “Actually, I can’t. We just opened and I haven’t gone to the bank today.”

Customer: “Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!”

(At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he’s buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.)

Me: “Sir, these aren’t for you, are they?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did your pregnant wife send you out at eight in the morning to buy this candy?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you’re in even more trouble! You can come back and pay me later!”

(The customer bolted out the door. He later came back, visibly calmer, and paid.)

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Aspirin(g) To Be A Better Doctor

, , | Right | September 2, 2009

(My husband works for the out-of-hours service, and drives and assists the doctors with their house calls. I’m a veterinary nurse and as we work in the same area we often see the same people. At two am, the phone rings.)

Me: “Uh, hello?”

Husband: “Hi, my love. It’s just me. The doctor has a question for you about some meds. Do you mind talking to him?”

Me: “No problem, put him on.”

Doctor: “Hi, we’re at a patient’s house now. She’s worried because she accidentally took her cat’s medication. The thing is, she’s decanted the tablets into a tub and has lost the label. Can you tell me what they are?”

Me: “Well, give me a description of the tablets, I’ll see if I can recognise the med code.”

Doctor: “The pills are round, white, and have A-S-P-I-R-I-N stamped on them.”

Me: “Seriously? Are you kidding me?”

(This clearly sets the doctor off, as he goes off on the following tirade:)

Doctor: “No! You said you would help! What’s your problem, for f*** sake?! I have a patient that may be poisoned and you’re being a b****! It’s my JOB on the line here; do you understand that? MY JOB! I don’t know why I listened to that b**** driver. What would you know, anyway? You are just some idiot nurse for f***ing animals! Nobody would give a s**t what you say, you ignorant cow!”

Me: “It’s an aspirin… spelled A-S-P-I-R-I-N.”

Doctor: *prolonged silence* “I guess I should say sorry now, right?”

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When Fat Cells Out-number Brain Cells

, , | | Right | August 27, 2009

(A grocery store customer points to “fat free” on a gallon of ice cream.)

Customer: “Does that mean I don’t have to pay?”

Me: “No, sir, that means that there is no fat in the ice cream.”

Customer: “So just the fat is free?”

Me: “There is no fat, sir.”

Customer: “I don’t want it then.”

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