Getting An Edge About The Hedge

, , , , | Friendly | November 6, 2017

(Back when I was a kid, we moved into a fairly nice neighborhood. There wasn’t an actual home owner’s association, but several of the neighbors liked to act like there was, and tried to tell the other residents to change things about their homes and lawns. My mom is not the kind of person to put up with that sort of thing.)

Lady: *knocks on our front door*

Mom: *opens the door* “Hello?”

Lady: “Hi! I just wanted to come by and see how you were doing. I noticed that your bushes were getting rowdy, and I was worried you’d gone and moved out on us.”

Mom: *glances at the bushes, which aren’t perfectly trimmed, but aren’t super scraggly* “Oh, well, they look fine to me.”

Lady: “Yes, well… we just want to make sure our neighborhood looks its best.”

Mom: “Yes… Well, goodbye.” *goes to shut the door*

Lady: *sticks her foot in the door and actually pushes it open* “Ah, ah, so you will be trimming those bushes, right? And maybe invest in an edger to tidy up your lawn?”

(Mom didn’t say a word, just pulled the door open all the way, then started to swing it closed, hard. The lady jumped back as the door slammed in her face, then stood making faces on the porch for a minute or so while we kids watched from the window. Eventually, she huffed off down the front path. Unfortunately, she and the others kept coming back. The door continued to be slammed in their faces.)

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Smells Like Team Spirit

, , , | Working | November 6, 2017

(My boss has scheduled a group of high-schoolers to come in and tour our workplace.)

Me: “So, you hate teens, and I hate teens. Why did you agree to this?”

Boss: “It’s a valuable learning experience for them. Young minds are getting ready for the real world, and we get to help them on their way!”

Me: *skeptical expression*

Boss: “Sadly, I have already scheduled a vacation that day, so you will have to give the tour. Good luck!”

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A Perfect Picture Of A Bad Attitude

, , , , , , , | Working | November 6, 2017

(I am being trained for a management position in a photography studio, and the manager training me decides to do a session on interviewing potential candidates. We pull up a few applications from online, and I start calling. My first call goes like this:)

Applicant: *sleepily* “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] from [Studio]. I am looking for [Applicant] to inquire about a position.”

Applicant: “Yeah, that would be me.”

(I’m slightly put off by the tone, but since it is about ten in the morning, I figure maybe they’re still getting ready for the day and are just not themselves yet. So, I launch into a spiel about the job requirements, position, and what we’re looking for in terms of hours and work.)

Applicant: “Yeah, I can’t work earlier than noon because I need my sleep, and I need to be gone by four. I also don’t really like to deal with people, so I want to be the photographer, not the seller people.”

Me: “Um… Well, being the photographer, you would have to engage with the clients, telling them where to stand or sit, and how to pose. And our photographers are also studio sales associates and often sell their own photographs with the client. Is that something you’re willing to do?”

Applicant: *sighs* “Yeah, whatever. When do I start?”

Me: “Well, I’d like to set up an interview with you first. Will today at one o’clock work for you?”

Applicant: “Are you serious? I have to come in, in order to see if I got the job?!”

Me: “That’s how we like to do things.” *starting to get a little frustrated with this applicant, but still willing to give them a shot*

Applicant: “Well, I had plans today, so I’ll call you back about a better time.” *click*

(I just looked at the trainer, a little shocked. The manager shook her head, crossed the name off, and told me to move on to the next one. Three days later, the applicant called back wanting to schedule an interview in fifteen minutes. I was in a session, but my training manager told her the job had been filled. I’m used to demanding clients, especially when it comes to their photographs, but for someone seeking a job, their attitude took me by surprise.)

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Clowning Around With Your Grandsons

, , , , , | Related | November 6, 2017

(My son is dropping his sons off at our house right after I have thrown a handful of vividly-colored pom-poms onto the sidewalk for the cats to play with.)

Grandson #1: “What happened?”

Me: “Oh. A clown exploded.”

([Grandson #2] stares with huge eyes.)

Grandson #1: *who has been around long enough to get used to my sense of humor* “Why was a clown here?”

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Juiced Up On Idiocy

, , | Healthy | November 6, 2017

(I’m a nurse working on a medical-surgical floor. One night, I am assigned to a certain patient who is known to be extremely difficult, and honestly, a bit of an idiot. He is very uncooperative, and won’t even let us put an IV in him. He has a mess of medical problems, particularly uncontrolled diabetes. We check all diabetics’ blood sugar levels throughout the day in order to control their levels with insulin shots.)

Me: “Good morning. I have to check your blood sugar.”

Patient: “Whatever.”

(I check the level and it’s shockingly low. A normal blood sugar level is 60 – 120. His is 40.)

Me: “Sir, your sugar is very low. Let me get you some juice to boost it up.”

Patient: “I can’t drink juice. I’m diabetic.”

Me: “Yes, but in this case, juice will help boost your sugar quickly. We don’t want it to drop any lower. Lemme get you orange juice, okay?”

Patient: “Fine.”

Me: *comes back later with a cup of OJ* “Here.”

Patient: “I don’t want that.”

Me: “Sir, I just told you that you need to take some juice for your sugar.”

Patient: “I don’t like OJ.”

Me: *a little annoyed that he didn’t tell me so in the first place* “All right. What will you take?”

Patient: *after a few minutes thinking* “I want apple juice.”

Me: “Fine.” *leaves and comes back with apple juice* “Here. Drink this.”

Patient: “I don’t want that.”

Me: *at this point, I’m in complete disbelief* “Sir, you just told me you would drink if I got you apple juice instead of OJ!”

Patient: “I’m diabetic. I can’t drink juice.”

Me: “But your sugar is low and we really need to boost it up. It’s dangerous to have low blood sugar.”

Patient: *getting angry* “You can’t force me to do what I don’t wanna do! Don’t try to trick me into taking that juice! I don’t even like apple juice!”

(At this point, I’m about ready to throw the juice in his face. I leave the room just as the doctor passes by with some surgical students, asking what’s up. I explain the situation to the doctor.)

Doctor: “Let us talk to him.” *takes the juice from me and walks in with the students*

(I leave to take care of another patient. Five minutes later, I return to see the students coming out of the room one by one, all of them shaking their heads and chuckling. Finally the doctor comes out and I ask him if he took the juice.)

Doctor: *shakes his head* “That man is an absolute idiot. Just make sure he gets breakfast. If he passes out, let us know.”

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