Getting Checked Out At Check Out

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 29, 2017

(A random guy walks up to my register and winks before I’ve even said anything.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. Is this all today?”

Customer: “Are you for sale?” *winks*

Me: “No.” *starts ringing up items*

Customer: “Too bad. I’d buy you in a heartbeat.”

Me: “Your total is $23.37.”

Customer: “Can you make change? I know money is a hard thing for girls.” *laughs*

Me: *bites tongue, hands him his change* “Thank you. Have a good day.”

Customer: “So, when can I take you on a date?”

Me: “Not interested.”

Customer: *winks* “Come on. It’ll be fun.”

Me: “Not interested, and engaged.” *calling to person behind him* “Can I help the next guest?”

Customer: “No! You aren’t, you lying b****! You’re not wearing any ring!”

Me: *pulls out ring on necklace* “Yes, I am. They don’t let us wear rings because they rip the gloves. Next guest, please!”

Customer: “Oh. Well, look me up if you two break up, sugar.” *winks and walks off*

Next Customer: *as she comes up to my register* “What an a**hole.”

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Just Sleep Through Their Drama

, , , | Friendly | November 29, 2017

(I study until the early morning when I have an approaching deadline for homework assignments. My roommate knows this, and has been okay with my late night studies in the past, since I do it in the study lounge. Usually when I come back into the room, I am as quiet as I can be when opening up our door, but it is a loud door. On one occasion, I come back from studying, and I place my keys in my pocket quietly before quickly opening and shutting the door as quickly and quietly as possible. My roommate stirs in her sleep, so I wait for half a minute before taking off my twenty-pound backpack, so I won’t wake her.)

Roommate: “Hey. Why did you open the door as loudly as possible?”

Me: *too tired to argue* “I didn’t think I did.”

Roommate: “Whatever.”

(I totally understand that she needs sleep, and my coming in early in the morning doesn’t help. However, she has woken me up in the past plenty of times before, and I never mention anything. I just go back to sleep. The funny part of this story is that she purposely made a lot of noise in the morning, hoping that I would wake up. She even didn’t leave for class as early as she usually does, which I’m guessing is because she was hoping that I would get out of bed so that she could yell at me. Joke’s on her; I feigned sleep.)

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Returner Burner Until Burning Point

, , , , , | Right | November 29, 2017

(I take my father to lunch. He likes to complain about every little thing in the hopes that he can get a new meal along with the “defective” meal. He has sent back his perfectly fine, well-prepared meal, twice.)

Server: “Let me just get these out of the way, and we will have your correct order up in a few minutes.”

Dad: “Leave them. I can feed them to the dog.”

Server: “F*** you.”

Dad: “What did you just say?!”

Server: “I said, ‘F*** you!’ You try to pull this s*** every time you are in here!”

Dad: “I want to speak to a manager—”

Server: *cutting him off* “I AM THE F****** MANAGER, AND TODAY IS MY LAST DAY! All bets are off. So, as acting manager, for the rest of my two hours left working for this company, I am hereby barring you permanently from this establishment. Now f*** off!”

(Applause erupts from the kitchen as Dad makes a run for the door. The server stops me as I slink away, and then hands me Dad’s food along with mine.)

Server: “You take this. On the house. And you are welcome back here any time, as long as you promise not to share any with him.”

(I never saw that server again, but Dad never tried to weasel his way into a free meal after that. The last day on the job is obviously the best day.)



Returner Burner, Part 7

Returner Burner, Part 6

Returner Burner, Part 5

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I’m Not Trapped In Here With You…

, , , , , | Learning | November 29, 2017

(In my middle school choir class, I’m the quiet overachiever who is bullied quite frequently. I can change my mood in a split second, and can set a mood with just my voice. These girls are making fun of me for still going trick or treating; Halloween is my favorite holiday, and I love dressing up. [Mean Girl #1] decides to get the whole class’s attention just to make fun of me.)

Mean Girl #1: “So, [My Name], what are you dressing up as this year?”

(She says it in a condescending baby voice that makes the rest of the class laugh.)

Mean Girl #2: “You going as a princess? Why aren’t you wearing your costume?”

(I receive more laughs from other students.)

Me: “I am.”

Mean Girl #1: “I don’t see it, princess.”

(I get this dead look on my face, relaxing all the muscles in my face except for my eyes, which I make wide on cue.)

Me: *quoting Wednesday Addams from “The Addams Family” in my spot-on impression* “This is my costume. I’m a homicidal serial killer; they look just like everybody else.”

(The room is silent; you could hear a pin drop. I go back to my work, putting on my happiest face as I scratch away markings on my music with my pencil. Everyone in the class is still staring at me.)

Mean Girl #1: “Are you serious?”

Me: “I’m always in costume.”

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Got More Than A Chip On Your Shoulder

, , | Healthy | November 29, 2017

(I go to my routine semi-annual dental check-up, and tell my dentist that I think I have chipped a molar, as there is a rough patch on my tooth that keeps catching my tongue, causing it to blister and bleed on a regular basis.)

Dentist: “Oh, yes, there is a small chip.”

Me: “Can we get it fixed?”

Dentist: “Insurance won’t cover the procedure as it’s ‘cosmetic.’”

Me: “It’s literally causing my tongue to bleed. This chip is painful, and it’s actually causing injury to me. I think it’s more than cosmetic.”

Dentist: “Oh, you’ll be fine. Just don’t play with it.”

(This went on for months. I kept asking him to fix the chip, and he kept refusing. I also got opinions from other dentists that said the chip needed to be filled, but my dentist still refused. Ultimately I switched to a new dentist due to a change in insurance; the new dentist took one look at the chip and had me scheduled for an appointment to get it filled a few days later.)

New Dentist: “Yeah, let’s get this taken care of; you shouldn’t have to suffer with this chip causing you pain and open sores. Plus, it’s deep enough that your dentin is exposed. If we leave this open any longer, your whole tooth would be in danger of forming an abscess, which would need a root canal to fix.”

Me: *in shocked disbelief* “My tooth could have rotted away from the inside out because my old dentist couldn’t be bothered to give me a filling the size of a pin-head?!”

New Dentist: “Yep.”

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