Time To Re-tire-o This Scam

, , , , , | Right | June 14, 2017

(My Spanish teacher swears this happened to her police officer husband. We aren’t sure we believe it, but… A local garage has been broken into, but the only thing missing is a tire. This happens from time to time when somebody has blown a tire but doesn’t have the money to pay for a replacement. So the officer goes cruising around the area and quickly finds two Hispanic men walking by the side of the road, one carrying a tire. He pulls over and comes to speak to them.)

Officer: “Hey there. Is that your tire?”

Man #1: “Uh, it’s his. I’m just walkin’ with him.”

Officer: “Where’d you get the tire?”

Man #1: *quickly* “Oh, he doesn’t speak English! I can… translate?”

Officer: “Okay, then… ask him where he got the tire.”

Man #1: *pause* “Where-o get-o el tire-o?”

(Man #2 stares at Man #1 in horror.)

Officer: *also staring* “Where-o… get-o… el tire-o.”

(They both got arrested.)

Brushing Aside The Truth

, , , , , | Related | June 14, 2017

(I’m not very good with children, and quite the science nerd. While visiting my sister, I have this interaction with my nephew, who is five years old.)

Nephew: “[My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Nephew: “Why don’t penguins have teeth?”

(I, not wanting to make anything up, decide to give him a very quick overview of evolution.)

Me: “Well, they don’t need them. You see their ancestors came from really little birds who couldn’t—”

(Out of nowhere.)

Sister: “Their teeth fell out when they stopped brushing them!”

(My nephew gets a horrified expression and RUNS to the bathroom, and immediately starts trying to brush his teeth.)

Me: *incredulously* “That was mean.”

Sister: “It’s called being a mom!”

This Class Just Went Atomic

, , , , | Learning | June 14, 2017

(I’m TAing a freshman physics class. The professor is brand new, and since he’s still learning his way around a classroom, I’ve been asked to write up my thoughts on his teaching. We’re coming up to the end of the semester, and he’s had a rocky year, but has improved a lot this semester.)

Professor: “Now, does anyone have any questions?”

Student #1: “Yeah, uh… can I ask a question that’s not related to the class?”

Professor: “I suppose so.”

Student #1: “You worked for the government before you came here, right?”

Professor: “Yes, I did. I worked for the Air Force, and for National Institutes of Health, and then–”

Student #1: “But what did you DO?”

Professor: *quiet for a second* “I’m afraid I can’t answer that.”

Class: *intrigued murmurs*

Professor: “Look, I decided to teach so I could get away from some aspects of –”

Student #2: “CAN YOU TEACH US ABOUT NUCLEAR BOMBS?”

Professor: “Uh…”

Student #2: “CAN YOU TEACH US ABOUT NUCLEAR BOMBS IF WE DO GOOD ON THE FINAL?”

Professor: “Fine.”

(The last day of class is supposed to be a debrief of the final exam and question-and-answer time. However, when it arrives…)

Professor: *showing a slide that says ‘TOPIC ONE: FINAL EXAM SCORES’* “I’m sure all of you are excited to find out how you did on the exam. The median was a 94. The highest was 100, and the lowest, I’m very happy to say, was an 89. I’m very pleased with these results.”

(He advances to the next slide: ‘TOPIC TWO: HISTORY, DESIGN, AND THEORY OF ATOMIC WEAPONRY,’ and the class cheers wildly.)

Professor: “As [Student #2] would say: you did good.”

(After the class ends, the TAs are helping him pack up the classroom. When the last of the students have left…)

Professor: “If any of them Google my name, they’re going to work out that I spent my life improving the design of safety railings. How long do you think I can keep up the mysterious government agent act?”

(We all scored him well.

When Education Costs You More Than The Fees

, , , , | Working | June 14, 2017

(I am one of the unfortunate former students of a for-profit college that was fined for massive student fraud and shut down. At the time of this incident, I am struggling to find a position in the career I graduated for, and have my resume posted on as many job search websites as I can find. I get a phone call one day:)

Caller: “Hello, is this [My Name]?”

Me: “This is she.”

Caller: “Hello, [My Name], this is [Caller] from [Door-to-Door Insurance Company].”

Me: “Uh, I believe there’s been a mistake. I haven’t signed up for any talks on insurance.”

Caller: “Oh, no, we actually saw your resume online and believe we have a position that you would be perfect for!”

Me: *immediately suspicious, but I put on a falsely cheerful tone* “You have a position for medical administration? That’s great!”

Caller: *her own cheerful tone is suddenly forced* “Oh, uh, well, er no… but we DO have many positions available and—”

Me: “Oh, so you have a regular administration position open?”

Caller: *through her teeth* “Uh, no, ma’am. My position is the only position in our company that deals with administrative duties and it’s not available….”

Me: *no longer pretending to be cheerful* “So you saw my resume, a resume CLEARLY marked for ‘administrative positions only’ and you wanted to offer me a job that I’m not qualified for?”

Caller: “Well, we do have a class you can take that will certify you to sell insurance. It costs $1,500 to complete, but we waive the cost of the class if you graduate and if we hire you.”

(She said the ‘if’ parts really fast like she was trying to hide it.)

Me: “IF?! Are you being serious right now?! You want me to attend yet another school and accrue MORE debt, which will only be waived IF I graduate and IF you hire me?! You saw my resume. You should KNOW that my skills are specific to administration, and especially medical administration. Knowing that, why did you even call me in the first place?”

Caller: *half mumbling* “Actually, my manager read your resume and just gave me your contact info…”

Me: *coldly* “I think we’re done here.”

(And I hung up. Months later I was told that due to the aforementioned fraud, employers in my field don’t consider my education to be valid enough to risk hiring. I’m still waiting on the decision for loan forgiveness for my worthless education.)

Smartly Dressed

, , , | Related | June 14, 2017

(As I am preparing for my date and fixing my hair. I turn to my mother and ask:)

Me: “Do you think I should wear my hair up or down with my glasses?”

(She looked for a moment.)

Mother: “Well, do you want to look intelligent or like yourself?”

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