Mac Attack!

, , , | Right | November 1, 2017

(I work at the help desk for a computer manufacturer. I am assisting people with their purchases after the Christmas rush. Some people have legitimate problems; others are computer-illiterate and simply need some guidance. One person in particular simply shouldn’t own a computer. I am in the middle of my shift when I answer a call from an irate man.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Company] tech support. My name is [My Name]. May I have your customer or serial number please?”

Caller: “I want you to send me a new laptop. This one doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay, sir. I would be happy to assist you with your computer. I just need your customer or serial number please.”

(After a bit of back and forth, he finally allows me to guide him to the serial number on his computer and reads it to me.)

Me: “Okay, Mr. [Name]. I have your account brought up and I see you recently purchased a [Laptop Model]. What is the problem you are experiencing with it?”

Caller: “I can’t get it to install [Program], so I want you to send me a new laptop.”

Me: “Sir, I understand your frustration. I need to do a little troubleshooting to identify the problem before issuing a replacement. May I have the name of the program you are trying to install again, please?”

Caller: “It’s [Program].”

(I quickly do some research to identify if there is some compatibility issue with our computer or his version of Windows to discover that there is — the program is only written for Mac. It will never, ever work on his machine.)

Me: “Sir, that program is for Mac only. Windows cannot run it.”

Caller: “I want a new laptop. This one is broken. It won’t install [Program] and it should. I want a new one.”

Me: “Sir, it is much like putting a DVD into a VCR. While they are both made to play movies, the VCR will never be able to read a DVD. It’s different technology.”

Caller: “[Name] at my company told me I could and he knows computers.”

Me: “Sir, if you purchased a car and tried to put a motorcycle wheel on it, because someone told you that you could, would you return the car to the dealership and demand a new one because it didn’t work?”

Caller: *screams at me so loud I have to pull my headset down* “Yes, I would!”

Me: “Okay, sir, there is nothing wrong with the laptop that I can identify. It is functioning exactly as designed. If you want me to troubleshoot other issues, I am happy to do so. However, I cannot issue a replacement at this time. What I can do, if you wish, is issue you a return box with prepaid shipping, and you will receive a full refund as soon as the laptop and all of its components are received by our warehouse, as per your 30-day money back guarantee.”

Caller: “You—” *long string of expletives* “You are going to send me a new computer or I demand a refund!”

Me: “Sir, I was offering you a refund.”

Caller: “Go f*** yourself!”

Me: “Again, thank you for calling [Company] and have a great day.”

(I hung up the phone and sent him the return box while he was still ranting. I looked back at the notes after mine later that day and discovered he had tried six more times with different techs to get a new computer, and all of them told him the same thing. He eventually ended up accepting the return, thank goodness!)

If You Cut The Line We Cut The Cheese

, , , , , , | Right | November 1, 2017

(The store has multiple cash registers, but only one line. It is very busy, and I am in line, when a woman pushes her way past everyone else waiting and starts unloading her basket at a register that still has another customer trying to finish their purchase.)

Cashier: “Miss, you need to go back and wait in line, please.”

Customer: “No! I’m in a hurry, and I don’t have time for that!”

(The argument started. While the cashier was trying as best she could to get the woman to act like a reasonable adult, the guy in front of me wandered over next to the rude woman, circled back, and in a quiet voice muttered, “That’ll teach her!” and walked back towards the sales floor. No one else in line had any idea what he had done until the woman started yelling and gagging from the horrible “crop dusting.”)

Make That Mango Away

, , , , , | Right | November 1, 2017

(I work at a bagel and coffee shop and we have smoothies on our drink menu, but the only flavors we have are mixed berry and strawberry-banana.)

Customer: “I’d like a mango smoothie.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t have mango smoothies. We have mixed berry and strawberry-banana.”

Customer: “But I want mango.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can make you a strawberry smoothie.”

Customer: “Strawberries aren’t mangoes.”

Me: “I understand that, but we don’t have mango smoothies; we only have mixed berry and strawberry-banana.”

Customer: *walks out*

Your Plan Doesn’t Have A Leg To Stand On

, , | Healthy | November 1, 2017

(My aunt is pregnant with my cousin after years of miscarriages and a stillbirth. She’s at one of her ultrasounds when the doctor notices something weird.)

Doctor: “I think your baby is malformed.”

Aunt: “What are you talking about?”

Doctor: “I mean she isn’t developing properly. She might be born disfigured.”

Aunt: “How bad are we talking? She’s not going to die, is she?”

Doctor: “I can’t tell for certain, but it looks like she’s missing a leg.”

Aunt: “What?! What do you mean my baby is missing a leg?!”

Doctor: “I mean unless it’s hidden somewhere, it’s gone.”

(Over the next few weeks the doctor subtly implied over and over again that she should terminate the pregnancy due to the malformation. She ended up switching doctors when he got fed up and straight up told her to terminate because apparently allowing a child to exist with a deformity was akin to abuse. When she gave birth, my cousin indeed only had one leg. She learned how to walk with a prosthetic at a very young age and is now 23, athletic, and happy, and you wouldn’t know she only had one leg if she didn’t show you her prosthetic. We’re all still horrified that the doctor thought terminating her in the name of “protecting” her was the only course of action, especially after my aunt and uncle had suffered so many previous losses.)

A Bad Taste In Girlfriends, Sew It Seems

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 1, 2017

(My husband and I have a few friends over for the weekend and one of them brings his girlfriend. She’s nice enough but is a bit immature. I’m sewing in my craft nook while they’re playing [Adult Card Game] closeby at the dining room table. The girlfriend says something to me, but I can’t hear her over my sewing machine and the music my husband has playing.)

Me: *stopping my machine* “What was that?”

Girlfriend: “Why aren’t you playing with us? Don’t you like this game? We’re about to start a new round after they get their drinks.”

Me: *checking the straightness of my stitches* “Because the toddler is with my parents, and I need to get this done so that I can give it to [Other Friend] before he leaves. I should have already finished this, but it’s hard to sew with a toddler trying to steal the fabric because he likes how it feels.”

(I go back to sewing, and she gets up and moves over to my table.)

Girlfriend: *loudly as she leans close* “Could you teach me?!”

Me: *shouting* “No! Sorry! I don’t teach.”

(This is a question I’ve been asked several times over, and most people take “no” for an answer. Not this girl. She taps my shoulder, and I groan in frustration as I stop sewing.)

Me: *sharply* “What?”

Girlfriend: “Why don’t you teach?”

Me: “Because I lack the patience!”

Girlfriend: “But you have a toddler.”

Me: “Yes, and I’m patient with him because he’s a toddler. I don’t have the patience to teach adults stuff because adults often don’t listen very well.”

(I give her a pointed look, hoping she’ll understand what I’m getting at, but it goes completely over her head.)

Girlfriend: “Well… Yeah, I guess… but I really want to learn to sew.”

Me: *fighting the urge to snarl at her* “Well, go over to my computer, pull up my browser, go to Google, then type, ‘how to sew,’ in the search box. I’m sure you’ll find plenty of resource blogs and at least a couple videos that can help you out.”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, but you’re right here. Right now.”

(Before I can snap at her, her boyfriend returns to the table with his drink and, noticing my expression, intervenes.)

Friend: “Hey, [Girlfriend], she said no, so stop asking. I’ll help you find tutorials later, okay? She might even help you after she finishes what she’s doing there.”

Girlfriend: “But—”

Friend: *cutting her off* “Stop it before they ask us to leave.”

(She sulked but returned to the other table to continue their game. Less than a week later, they broke up because she annoyed most of his other friends with her bratty behavior.)

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