Phlegm Definitely Isn’t Cute

, , , , , | Romantic | January 20, 2019

(My partner and I have a little routine. I say, “How did you get so cute?” and he says “Radioactive cute-onium!” This time, though, he has a cold.)

Me: “How’d you get so cute?”

Partner: “Um, I think it’s because of all the non-cute substances I’m expelling from my body.”

Me: “Fair. Enough.”

Stuck Under The Cart

, , , , , , | Right | January 20, 2019

I’m cashiering at a big chain store, and a mother and her two kids come through my lane. The little girl is calmly sitting in the cart, while her older brother is climbing under the cart, despite his mom telling him to stop.

We have stickers at the registers to hand out to kids, so I ask if anyone wants one. I hand one to the little girl, and the boy climbs out from under the cart to grab one. I try to make the mom’s life easier and tell him, “This means you can’t go back under the cart, all right?”

At first, my ploy seems to work… until the boy puts the sticker back on my counter and climbs back under the cart.

At least he gave the sticker back?

Maturity Is On A Knife’s Edge

, , , | Related | January 20, 2019

(I’m dining out with my wife and ten-year-old daughter. The waitress is handing out the silverware.)

Waitress: “Is it okay if I give your daughter a knife?”

Me: “That’s fine.”

Daughter: *after waitress leaves* “She didn’t think I could use a knife?”

Me: “I can’t imagine why.”

(We immediately began sword fighting until my wife made us stop.)

That’s What You Get For Pottering Around Farmer’s Markets

, , | Right | January 20, 2019

(I’m the dumb customer in this one. I’m at a farmer’s market looking for some seedlings for a few herbs I’d like to grow. I live in an apartment so I can’t have a proper garden. I also don’t have much of a green thumb, so I approach the nice woman at the stall to ask about growing plants in pots. This is what happens, instead.)

Me: “What do you know about growing pot plants?”

Worker: *wide-eyed stare*

(Luckily, I realized my mistake before things got TOO awkward.)

Unfiltered Story #137065

, , | Unfiltered | January 20, 2019

Our web team received this email from a customer today. The best and weirdest part is that the product he is asking for is easily available on our website and in our catalog.

To Whom It May Concern:

I have tried three times over the past nine months to order (Specialized Product Name) for one of my (DIY hobby) projects.  When by phone, the young lady will tell me she will get back to me, but never does.

Do you still serve white American military veterans/citizens, who have a retirement hobby?  I understand that several Islamic power brokers in the United States are presently attempting to shut down service to certain American citizen-demographics.  Is this true?

If you will accept an order from me, is it possible to speak with someone who can give me an intelligent answer?

I’m getting tired of the answer, “I don’t know but, I could call you back!”

Respectfully submitted,
Customer’s Full Name

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