Wish You Could Block Out Certain Words

, , , , | Right | March 20, 2019

(I work as a customer service rep for a call center; I help with cell phones. A customer calls in to request a block be placed on a number that was calling her. After getting all of the prerequisite information:)

Customer: “You see, I need to put a block on a number that keeps calling me all hours of the night.”

Me: “I can understand that, ma’am. I’d be more than happy to apply that block to your line so you don’t have to deal with this anym—“

Customer: “Yeah, he told me he wanted to suck my a**. I’m just not into all of that kind of stuff.”

(I laughed so hard that I had to hand the call off to my floor supervisor. I never found out if she got that number blocked, but she DID tell every person she talked to that some creep wanted to do lewd things to her, and described those things in detail.)

Those Who Flail To Plan, Plan To Flail

, , , , | Working | March 20, 2019

(I’m new at this job. My supervisor is away on a business trip, and I’m finishing up a call with our shipping warehouse contact, a woman who’s been working with my company for years.)

Me: “And don’t worry, [Supervisor] will be back in the office tomorrow, so it won’t just be me flailing around over here.”

Warehouse: “Oh, you’re not alone in the flailing, trust me. I do my fair share of it here, too!”

Me: “We can flail together, then. We’ll be flail experts!”

Warehouse: “We’ll start the Noodleympics!”

What Kind Of Mutant Platypus Has He Been Seeing?!

, , , , | Romantic | March 20, 2019

(I observe this couple in a gift shop.)

Wife: *picks up a realistic stuffed narwhal toy* “Aww, honey, look at this!”

Husband: “What is that?! Is that, like, one of them platypuses?”

Wife: “No, it’s a narwhal!”

Husband: “A what?”

Wife: “A narwhal. It’s a whale with a horn that lives in the Arctic.”

Husband: “And… it’s real?”

Wife: “Yes, it’s real! Have you seriously never heard of a narwhal?!”

Husband: “Never. That thing looks like a f****** unicorn-manatee or something!”

(I’m not sure what’s stranger — that this guy had never heard of a narwhal, or that he had apparently heard of a platypus but thinks it looks like a whale!)

Rubber? You Bet!

, , , , , | Right | March 20, 2019

(It’s my first weekend cashiering by myself after finishing my training. I’m at the speedy checkout at the slower end of the store finishing up helping a lady, when I look over and see three boys about my age walking up. I am a very innocent person, and one boy has a box of condoms.)

Boy: “I’m sorry. I lost a bet.”

Me: *not making eye contact* “You’re fine.”

Boy: “This is so awkward.”

Me: “It won’t be if you don’t make it.”

Boy: “It’s a good thing I’m Indian so you can’t see me blush.”

(It took everything I had to hold it together, and to this day I regret not asking what the bet was.)

Not Quite A Day Of Rest

, , , , , | Related | March 20, 2019

(My parents are going on vacation for a week. Since they have a dog, they ask me to housesit for the week. Two days after they leave, I hear a thud, the doorknob jiggling, and then the doorbell. With the chain still latched, I open the door and see my aunt, hands empty save for her purse. For background, she used to fawn over me. However, since I turned 18 — meaning upon my parents’ death, I would no longer require a guardian and would receive direct control over their assets — she’s barely spoken to me, even when I’m in the room.)

Aunt: “Hey there! Why’s the door locked?”

Me: “Why shouldn’t it be locked?”

Aunt: “It’s Sunday.”

Me: “And?”

Aunt: “We always have dinner together here on Sundays.”

Me: “You know my parents are on vacation, right?”

Aunt: “Yeah.”

Me: “…”

Aunt: “…”

Me: “So, there’s no family dinner this Sunday.”

Aunt: “But we always have Sunday dinner!”

Me: “When my mother is here to host it. She invites you over. She’s not here, so I don’t know why you think you’re invited.”

Aunt: “Because I’m family!”

Me: *shoots her the dirtiest “Oh, really?” look I can muster* “That doesn’t make this your house.”

Aunt: “It doesn’t make it yours, either!”

Me: “Which is exactly why I’m not inviting you in.” *slams the door in her face*

(She bangs on the door, rings the bell, and calls the home phone non-stop. When she still can’t take the hint, I have to involve the police. By the time they get here, my uncle has shown up, hands also empty, and joined in the tantrum. Since the background with him is pretty much the same story, I don’t step out to help him. About an hour later, I get a phone call from my mother.)

Mother: “You had [Uncle] and [Aunt] arrested?!”

Me: “They kept banging on the door and demanding entry. What else was I supposed to do?”

Mother: “Invite them in! I told them to come over and bring pizza so you wouldn’t have to cook for them!”

Me: “Then how about you tell me that next time, too?”

Mother: “I shouldn’t have had to! We always have family dinner on Sundays!”

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