When Scammers Call Sex Lines

, , , , , | Friendly | November 20, 2018

(When scammers call, we like to scam them right back. I answer a call with a very breathy, “Hello.” The guy starts his spiel.)

Me: *interrupting with a very sexy-sounding* “What are you wearing?”

(He stutters, but continues his speech.)

Me: “I’m picturing you in fishnet stockings and stilettos.”

Scammer: “WHAT?!” *silence for a moment, then* “Guys! You have to hear this!”

(I hung up before he could hear my laughter.)

 

The Worst Noodle Cup Flavor Ever

, , , , , , | Right | November 20, 2018

I am working the front desk at a veterinary hospital when a man comes in to tell us that he has discovered worms in his dog’s stool. He wants us to test the sample he has brought.

The problem is that he’s brought the sample in a dirty noodle cup because “that’s all he had at the time.” I tell him that we cannot accept the sample but that we’d be happy to test another.

He then tells me it will be a long time before he can bring another in, because he’ll have to go looking for the worms again.

I wind up having to get one of the vet techs to explain to the man that we examine for eggs under a microscope, not visible worms, and that under no circumstances can we accept a sample that is sitting in noodle sauce. I’m not sure he ever understood.

Sodium So Dum

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 20, 2018

(I go to a Catholic high school, and we have a couple of awesome priests who are science teachers. These teachers have some sodium metal — which explodes on contact with water — for demonstration purposes, but decide that it is probably getting too old to keep around, so they decide to get rid of it. One night it is absolutely pouring rain, and there are some huge puddles in the parking lot, which is under reconstruction. This seems like the perfect opportunity, and so the two of them have a marvelous time chucking pieces of sodium into the puddles and listening to the boom. Unfortunately, someone nearby hears the boom and thinks someone is doing something unsavory, and calls the police. When they realize the police are heading to them, one of them goes in and quickly puts on his priest collar. When they greet the cops, the following exchange occurs.)

Cop: “Sorry to disturb you Father, but the neighbors reported hearing something like an explosion over here. Have you heard anything?”

Priest: “We didn’t hear anything unexpected, officer!”

Cop: “Okay, sorry to bother you. Must be a false alarm.”

(The priests thanked them for stopping by and somehow kept straight faces through it all. It was totally the truth, though; they completely expected to hear explosions!)

Will Never Look Back Again

, , , , | Right | November 20, 2018

(I work on the retail side of a pharmacy, usually stocking shelves or helping customers. One day a young lady, maybe 19 or 20, approaches me, clearly embarrassed.)

Customer: *whispering* “Do you have, um, like, douches, but, um, for, like, the…” *I can now barely hear her* “…butt?”

Me: *stifling laughter* “Enema. The word you’re looking for is ‘enema,’ and yes, over this way.”

(I will forever call them “butt douches” from now on.)

Taking The Time To Say Thank You

, , , , | Right | November 20, 2018

(I’m ringing up a customer, and it proves to be very difficult. There are lots of factors at play, like three discounts I have to apply. She’s doing multiple returns, and we’re also trying to figure out if her store credit card is still active. To top it all off, our registers are old as dirt and can’t handle all of the extra stuff I’m trying to do, so I have to restart the transaction multiple times. I’m pretty good at manipulating our antiquated system, and I’m usually fairly quick on the registers, but all in all, it takes a good ten minutes to process everything for her, and I have to do three separate transactions to make sure everything gets done correctly.)

Customer: “I’m sorry to put you through all of this and take up your time. Thank you so much for your patience.”

Me: *flabbergasted* “Oh, no, thank you! I’m so sorry it’s taking forever and I have to keep starting over. Thank you for waiting all this time!”

(She thanks me multiple times again and leaves. I tell my MOD about how difficult it was and what she said.)

Me: “Literally any other customer would have been yelling at me about eight minutes back, wanting to know why it was taking so long and why I couldn’t do it right the first time. She was fantastic! I’ll help her all day, any day.”

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