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When You’re A Scammer, You Can Make Up Your Own Standards

, , , | Legal | October 26, 2021

I get a call from a number I don’t recognize but pick it up. An automated voice begins to drone on about my car’s warranty. I decide to press the number to speak with a representative and have a little bit of fun, knowing it’s a scam.

Representative: “Hello, please verify the VIN number of your vehicle, please.”

No company name, no verification that they are through to the right person. Just wanting the VIN.

Me: “Once you tell me what color my vehicle is.”

Representative: “Sorry, but for security purposes, I cannot give you the information until you verify the VIN number.”

Me: “It’s not that personal. It’s just a color. Is it blue? Is it red? You should be able to at least tell me what color the car is.”

Representative: “Sorry, but for security purposes, I cannot give you the information until you verify the VIN number.”

Me: “It’s just a color. It’s not a security risk to tell me the color of the vehicle in question. My neighbor can see the color of my vehicle and they don’t even need information on a computer screen to see it. So, please tell me what the color of my vehicle is.”

Representative: “I’m sorry, I cannot give you that information. Please verify your VIN number, please.”

Me: “Not until you give me the color of my vehicle. I can do this all day.”

Representative: “Okay, ma’am, I’m sorry we could not help you today. Please have a good day.” *Click*

After this call, I got another call about three months later from another unfamiliar number with the same automated “car warranty” song and dance. This time I told them that I don’t have a car and they “apologized” and promised to take me off their “system”.

Kimetsu No Higher

, , , , , | Right | October 26, 2021

The final show of the night is going in. It’s almost completely sold out and there’s only one seat left. A couple comes in: a boyfriend and girlfriend. This is shortly after marijuana has been legalized in New York and they both absolutely REEK of it — offensively so. As someone who occasionally smokes it socially, I normally don’t mind the smell, but I’m practically being punched in the sinuses with it. It borderline smells like they just got skunked.

Boyfriend: “Yoooo… what do you have playing.”

Me: “I apologize, but there’s actually only one more show tonight, and we unfortunately only have one ticket left, so I’m not sure there’s much I’ll be able to help you with.”

Girlfriend: *Starts giggling* “What is it?”

Me: “[Movie]. It’s a Japanese anime film.”

Girlfriend: *Completely butchering the pronunciation* “Ann-eee-muh-aye? What’s Ann-eee-muh-aye?”

Me: “Anime. It’s a type of animation from Japan.”

Girlfriend: “Holy cow. Ann-ee-muh-aye… Wooowww. I don’t know what that is, even.”

Me: *Repeating myself* “It’s a type of animation from Japan.”

Boyfriend: *To his girlfriend* “It’s a type of animation from Japan.”

Girlfriend: “Japanese ann-ee-muh-aye. Wow.”

Me: “But like I said, unfortunately, that’s the only thing we have going in and there’s only one more seat left.”

Boyfriend: “What else you got playing?”

Me: “[Movie] is pretty much the only thing we have playing around now. Everything else went in a while ago and has already started.”

Boyfriend: “You got [Movie that came out two months ago]?”

Me: “No, sorry. We had it, but we lost it about three weeks ago.”

Boyfriend: “D***! You got [Another Movie that came out a while back]?”

Me: “No, sorry. We had that a while ago but we also lost it.”

Boyfriend: “D***!”

Girlfriend: “What else is playing now?”

Me: “As I’ve said, [Movie] is the only movie we have going in right now.”

Girlfriend: “So, what’s it about?”

Me: “I think it’s about a kid who hunts demons.”

Girlfriend: “And it’s animated?”

Me: “Yes, it’s animated.”

Girlfriend: “Sounds interesting!”

Me: “Yeah, people seem to be enjoying it.”

Boyfriend: “You wanna see it, baby?”

Girlfriend: “Yes!”

Boyfriend: *Turning to me* “How much for two?”

Me: “Unfortunately, as I’ve said, we only have one ticket left for the showtime.”

Boyfriend: “Aww… you don’t have two tickets.”

Me: “No, we only have one.”

Girlfriend: *Begins to giggle nervously* “What else do you have that’s starting?”

Me: “That’s the only thing we have that’s starting now. We’re actually just about to close for the night.”

His mind seems to be blown.

Boyfriend: “You’re closing soon?!”

Me: “Yeah, we close fifteen minutes after the last movie starts.”

Boyfriend: “Holy crap! What time is that?”

Me: “9:15.”

Boyfriend: “And what time is it now?”

Me: “It’s about 9:05.”

Boyfriend: “Okay.”

They take a few steps back and look up at the showtime board above the box office.

Boyfriend: “I don’t see anything else on the schedule.”

Me: “That’s correct. As I’ve said, [Japanese Anime Movie] is the only thing we have going in now. Everything else has already started.”

Boyfriend: “And you don’t have two tickets.”

Me: “Yes. We only have one ticket left.”

Boyfriend: *Looking back down at me* “So like… can I ask… can we… can we come back tomorrow?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Boyfriend: *Nervous chuckle* “Can we come back tomorrow and see a movie?”

Me: “Yes, you can absolutely come back tomorrow and see a movie.”

Boyfriend: “Really? Awesome! I wasn’t sure if we were allowed to!”

He then turned and walked toward the door with his girlfriend, who by this point had a severe case of the giggles and wouldn’t stop laughing. I really hope I don’t get this stupid when I partake.

Enough Audacity To Make You Want To Pop!

, , , , | Working | October 26, 2021

I have a coworker who is, to put it mildly, a piece of work. Selfish, egocentric, abusive, petty, and cruel all spring to mind to describe [Toxic Coworker]. However, this story is the best example of what kind of person she is.

I buy large bags of popcorn as a thank you and bribe to my mentor. They are only $7, but I pay for these bags with my own money. He keeps them under his desk but will share if asked. Because [Toxic Coworker] steals entire bags if I get more than one, I typically get one bag at a time. This, again, is clearly under my mentor’s desk to mark it as HIS food.

One day, a half-full bag goes missing and he asks where it is. I don’t know and we conclude that [Toxic Coworker] took the bag. At this point, she has only taken full unopened bags or some popcorn and left the bag.

Coworker: “[Toxic Coworker] said she had popcorn upstairs.”

To recap, she took my mentor’s popcorn that I had paid for with MY own money and told another coworker SHE had popcorn upstairs. Right.

If You Can Sell Sarcasm, Then They Can Buy It

, , | Right | October 26, 2021

A lady comes into my small gift shop around noon. There are multiple people and employees around the store and our hours are clearly listed.

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “How can I help you today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Are you open today?”

I look around at all the other shoppers, clearly inside the building and shopping.

Me: *Deadpan* “No.”

Customer: “Oh, thank you. I’ll have to come in tomorrow, then!” *Leaves*

This Waitress Might Just Be Nuts

, , , , , | Working | October 26, 2021

Decades ago, some friends and I went to an ice cream parlor. One of us ordered a sundae.

Waitress: “Do you want walnuts on that?”

Friend: “Sure.”

Waitress: “Wet nuts or dry nuts?”

Friend: “What’s the difference?”

Waitress: “The wet nuts have been soaked in maple syrup.”

Friend: “Okay, I’ll have the wet nuts.”

Waitress: “We only have dry nuts.”

To this day, when someone offers us a false choice, my wife and I shout, “Wet nuts or dry nuts?!”