A customer places a year-old computer on the counter.

Customer: “I need a return.”

Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “It just don’t work.”

I power it on, get into Windows, connect to the wireless network, and go online. I open Office, and everything seems to be working properly. I show it to him.

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Customer: “It just don’t work.”

Me: “What is actually wrong with the machine?”

Customer: “It just don’t work! Are you saying if a car don’t start, it works fine?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m saying if there was a car and everyone could start it except one person, I wouldn’t blame the car.”

I am picking up extra hours in the deli today (not my usual department) and have a line of four people waiting. A REALLY old man doesn’t want to wait, and soon, we all discover that he’s concealing an air horn as we all hear an ear-piercing “BLRRRRRRRRT!”

I nearly jump out of my skin! Not to mention, I am slicing meat, so I could’ve easily gotten my fingers caught in the blade. My heart is pounding so fast! Then, the wrinkled sack of s*** has the gall to say:

Old Man: “Ha, finally! That got your attention! I need some chicken down here!”

I don’t even have time to say anything before the customer I am currently serving does, AND OH, BOY, IS SHE P*SSED! She has a baby in a stroller sleeping, the horn woke the baby up, and they have started SCREAM-CRYING.

Customer: “Are you f****** kidding me right now?! What the h*** is your problem?!”

She shouts at him while trying to console her child who very well might have permanent hearing damage.

Old Man: *Stammering* “Well… I… I’m in a hurry.”

Customer: “I really don’t give a s***! You need to wait your own g**d*** turn! Leave right now, or I’ll call the police!”

I pointed at the exit and told him to get the h*** out. He did, but the whole thing was just insane.

I am running through my morning duties when I notice a customer trying to come in forty-five minutes before opening. I shake my head at her to indicate that we’re closed, but she keeps pulling on the door. I decide to ignore her and continue on with my opening procedures.

The front of the store is all glass, and she just stands there and stares at me for half an hour while I (try to) ignore her.

Then, she starts knocking on the glass. She just keeps knocking and knocking and knocking. I’m getting irritated because I’m trying to count money and she’s distracting me with all the noise. I finally have enough and yell through the door:

Me: “We’re closed!”

Customer: *Rolls her eyes* “You should’ve just told me!”

She goes to sit in her car, ignoring our opening hours printed on the door she’s been knocking on for half an hour. I finally open up, expecting her to get out of her car and come inside.

Twenty minutes pass before she comes in and immediately starts yelling at me.

Customer: “You should’ve come to my car to tell me you’re open since you knew I wanted to come inside!”

Me: “Since I’m alone, I can’t leave the store.”

Customer: “I was parked ten feet away!”

Me: “Since you’re parked ten feet away, you could’ve seen me unlocking the door and putting the signage out.”

Customer: “Smart-a** b****. I’m going to be calling corporate!”

She pulled out her phone and took a picture of my name tag, which she did not ask to do, before walking out.

I never heard anything back about the woman who expected to be fetched from her car.

I used to get a lot of calls from a debt collection agency that ignored my attempts to tell them they had the wrong number.

After over a dozen of these attempts, I tried something new.

Debt Collector: “We need to contact [Debtor]; we know this is his number.”

Me: *Rageful shouting* “IF YOU FIND HIM, CALL ME BACK WITH HIS PHONE NUMBER AND ADDRESS! HE OWES ME MONEY!”

They never called back.

A lady and her husband come into the store.

Customer: “We want some mulch. We want one specific brand.”

Me: “What’s the name of the brand?”

Customer: “I don’t know. How much is it?”

Me: “Okay, well, I can’t ring it up for you without a name or a barcode, ma’am. Could you please go outside and find it so you can tell me the name or take a picture of the barcode?”

She goes outside and comes back in maybe five minutes later, and she says the same thing.

Customer: “We want some mulch. We want one specific brand.”

Me: “I can’t do anything with that information; I need the specific name or barcode on the mulch.”

She gets visibly annoyed and goes back outside. Her husband is actually really nice, and we have a nice conversation about their project.

I kid you not, the lady comes back in and SHOWS ME A PICTURE OF PLAY SAND — not the name or barcode in the picture, of course, just the sand itself.

Customer: “I want this and the mulch!”

Her face is a little red from all the walking around.

Me: “I still need the barcode or name for both those items.”

She instantly turns a different shade of red, and her voice becomes a little shrill.

Customer: “Are you kidding?! I want this d*** mulch!”

Me: “Ma’am, please, I just need you to take a picture of the barcode or just give me the name of the brand since we have ten different brands of mulch at varying prices and sizes, and I can’t leave the counter to go show you.”

I think she’s about to turn purple, and her husband has that “help me” look on his face.

Customer: “OH, MY GOD! YOU’RE SO USELESS! Let’s go to [Competitor] instead, for f***’s sake!”

On the way out as he’s being literally dragged out by his wife, the husband says:

Customer’s Husband: “I’m sorry, she gets frustrated easily… You guys should really have those prices out there.”

But… we do!