I’m still relatively new. At one of our self-checkouts, the bill acceptor isn’t working. Due to customers not paying attention, more and more signs have been added to the register saying, “Cards only, NO CASH,” with a sign on the acceptor which is slightly off to the side, the top of the screen, the bottom of the screen, and the countertop next to the scanner, in addition to the programmed message that explains this as well and makes you to press “Okay” before continuing. So there are five warnings in all.

Customer: “I didn’t know this thing didn’t take cash. I didn’t see the sign all the way over there. You should put the sign right there instead.”

She’s pointing right at the sign on the bottom of the screen.

Me: “Ma’am, there is. And up there and down there. And I saw you press ‘Okay’ on the screen that explained that it was card only when you started.”

She silently moved over to the next register with her purchase as I canceled the transaction on the first one and came to the realization that no amount of signs and warnings will ever be enough for some customers.

Me: “All right, ma’am, I can take your card or cash whenever you’re ready. If you’re going to pay with debit, just hit the blue button first.”

Customer: “I would never use a debit card! They are the devil’s plastic! I’ve never carried one and I never will!”

The customer goes on a long, repetitive rant about the “devil’s plastic” and how debit cards ruin lives.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, will you be paying with cash today?”

Customer: “No, you idiot! I have a credit card!”

I live in Massachusetts and my boyfriend lives in Washington. I’m visiting him and we are close enough to Seattle to make a day trip. When a cashier sees our nerdy shirts, he lets us know that PAX East is going on. We go to check it out, but are denied entry. I don’t remember why anymore; I think the venue hit capacity. However, there are a few booths set up outside the official entry to the con, one of them for the musician Jonathan Coulton. I buy a CD and get it signed, my husband gets a few car decals, and then we leave.

After the flight back to Massachusetts, my mom picks me up and I put in the CD to listen to. We enjoy the songs and talk over them a few times, until we get to a song called “First Of May.” It is cute, so we are both paying attention to it, but then the lyrics take on a very different tone.

Lyrics: “’Cause it’s the first of May, first of May, outdoor f****** starts today, so bring your favorite lady, or at least your favorite lay.”

My mom and I are both shocked. I haven’t listened to the whole CD yet, so I am caught completely off guard and hide my face.

Mom: *In a scolding tone* “Jonathan Coulton! What would your mother think?!”

I couldn’t help laughing at her, but we decided not to listen to the song all the way through and skipped to the next song.

I’m fixing up the always messy clearance section when my boss comes over to see how it’s going. We talk about how messy the customers are, especially with the clearance section, and she drops this gem just before she walks away.

Boss: “When I get home, my husband always asks me, ‘Did you at least make it to the car before crying today?’”

I take to-go orders at a local bistro. I see a customer standing off by himself, and I’m not sure if he has been helped.

Me: “Have you been helped yet?”

Customer: “No one can help me except a psychiatrist.” *Winks*

Me: “…”

Customer: “Anyway, the order’s name is [Customer].”