Their Geek Knowledge Is Labyrinthine

, , , , , | Working | September 1, 2017

(Our shipping trucks arrive at three am, so the early shift often talks about random things to keep our minds active enough to move and sort the boxes without just falling asleep on top of them. Usually it’s nerdy stuff. One day…)

Coworker #1: *to [Coworker #2]* “Well, the Punisher is all extreme anti-hero business since he’s more of a ‘shoot them all’ kind of guy, whereas Batman is a little bit more mellow when it comes to handling villains… not counting Frank Miller’s psychotic imaginings of him being the ‘G**D*** Batman’….”

Manager: “Oh my GOD! Nowhere else do I learn so much about crap I don’t care about. Can’t you find something else to occupy your brains?”

Coworker #3: *singing* “I’d guess you’d say…”

Me: “What can make me feel this way?”

Coworkers #1, #4, and #5: “My girl, my girl, my girl!”

Manager: “Something else!”

Me: “You remind me of the babe!”

Manager: “Noooo…”

Coworker #1: “What babe?”

Coworker #2: “The babe with the power!”

Manager: “I’M SORRY I SAID ANYTHING! GO BACK TO TALKING ABOUT COMIC BOOKS!”

(The manager then flees the stock room under the pretense of taking a full cart out to the floor.)

Coworker #1: *to the manager’s fleeing back* “Never complain about our topics of discussion… we can always find something else annoying to switch to!”

The Only Law Is It Should Be Always Served Piping Hot

, , , , | Right | September 1, 2017

(I work at a law office in Austin, and a woman that is clearly from New York comes in.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, can you please explain the custard laws from this place to me?”

(Thinking she meant ‘custody’ laws, I gladly print out a packet explaining the various custody laws in Austin. She reads part of it before saying:)

Customer: “Wait! It’s not ‘custard’?”

Me: “…No, it’s ‘custody’, ma’am.

Customer: *in a state of realization* “Oh! I thought it was ‘custard laws’!”

(I then explained how I thought she meant “custody” and not “custard”. We both had a good laugh about it, and we’ve been friends ever since!)

Making A Complete Boob Of Himself

, , , , | Romantic | September 1, 2017

(My husband and I are sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon. I haven’t been feeling well.)

Me: “Ugh. My boobs are sore.”

Husband: “Why?”

Me: “I don’t know. They just are; they’re really swollen.”

Husband: “Hmm. Maybe you should go put on a bra.”

Me: “…”

Husband: “What?! That’s why I bought you comfortable ones…”

Me: “That’s… not how that works…”

(Twelve years together, and apparently I have taught him nothing.)

No Coupon, No Receipt, No Clue

, , , , | Right | September 1, 2017

(Our registers print out coupons and promotions along with the receipts. Once a customer hits a certain dollar amount, they get an extra coupon. We are currently giving a coupon for 50% off a regular priced item to customers spending over $20, and we are in the middle of the expiration dates listed on the coupon, so it is “live” and can be used immediately. However, the fine print specifically states that it cannot be used on a previous purchase. I’ve had several people want to immediately return what they just purchased and then repurchase it with the coupon they just received, but this transaction goes above and beyond. I have a woman approach the register with a store bag full of yarn. Seeing all of the signs of a return, I greet her and ask:)

Me: “Are you making a return today?”

Customer: “Yes, I purchased these yesterday and I got a coupon for half off so I wanted to apply it to my purchase.”

Me: “I’m sorry, those coupons are good for future purchases and cannot be used a previous purchases.”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t have the coupon until I bought the yarn. It printed with the receipt, so I couldn’t have used it with my purchase!”

(Now, I’m thinking, “EXACTLY!” but lately, corporate has been very pro-customer and we have basically been told to never say no and to make the customer happy no matter what. So, even though it is against policy, I know that once I ask my manager, I’ll be told to go ahead and break it and return the item, and then apply the coupon. Still, I have to do a token refusal so the customer feels like they are getting their way.)

Me: “Well, let me see your receipt and I’ll ask my manager what we can do.”

Customer: “I actually don’t have my receipt, can’t you just look it up? I bought it yesterday, my name is [Name].”

Me: “Ma’am, I have no way of looking up a transaction by a customer’s name, we simply don’t take that information. And I wouldn’t be able to process a return without a receipt and do what you’re asking, because all returns without a receipt are automatically priced at the lowest price it could have been purchased at in the past 90 days, which would likely be half off, so you would end up not getting any money back by repurchasing and applying a half off coupon. It would zero out.”

Customer: “I just don’t understand why you can’t just give me the difference.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you show me your coupon, I can show you what the conditions of the coupon are.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t have the coupon WITH me, it printed with the receipt so it’s wherever that is!”

Me: “I want to make sure I understand what you’re asking. You want me to return an item you purchased to apply a coupon you only got because you purchased the item, and you want me to do this without a receipt showing the purchase or the coupon you want me to apply?”

Customer: “Yes! That’s not hard, is it?”

On Mother’s Day You Have To Be A Mother

, , , | Related | September 1, 2017

(It’s Mother’s Day. After opening all the cards and gifts from my kids and husband, I tell him I want to go out by myself in the afternoon.)

Husband: “Sure! You can go anytime… Just let me know when you’re leaving. I’ll watch the kids.”

Me: “Okay… thanks.”

(Then I realize I need to finish looking up some information on the Internet for my dad, which takes me at least an hour. When I’m finally done, I call out to my husband.)

Me: “Okay, I’m heading out now.”

(No response from him.)

Me: “[Husband]? I’m going now…” *still no response*

(I then head toward our TV room, to discover the kids watching TV and playing on the iPad, and my husband IN DEEP SLEEP in the recliner! I could have simply gone out anyway… but then, right at that moment, both kids needed some adult assistance. Guess who didn’t wake up… and guess who gave up her “me time” afternoon?  On the plus side: My husband took me, and the kids, out to a favorite Italian restaurant for dinner that evening.)

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