Dry Wit Runs In The Family

, , , , , , , | Related | November 22, 2017

(My thirteen-year-old daughter has just told me she’s feeling under the weather.)

Me: *feeling her forehead* “Ah, wow, why are you so hot?”

Daughter: *deadpan* “Genetics.”

Life Is Stranger Than Soap-Opera Fiction

, , , , , | Right | November 22, 2017

(A local news story about a little girl who was murdered makes national headlines. Our station cuts into the afternoon’s soap opera with breaking news regarding the case.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Station]. How can I assist you?”

Caller: “Why are you interrupting my stories? You can’t do that!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is breaking news regarding the murder case. A lot of people want to know what’s going on.”

Caller: “I know the little girl is dead and all, but you just can’t take people’s television away from them!” *click*

(Sadly that was only one of the many calls we were inundated with during that time.)

But They Can Without A Brain, Apparently

, , , , | Learning | November 22, 2017

(We are learning about the human body when a classmate raises her hand.)

Teacher: “Yes, [Student]?”

Student: “Can a human live without a heart?”

Judge-mental Comments

, , , , , , , | Working | November 22, 2017

(My boss, a lawyer, has given me written-up notes on the different judges he goes in front of, so I can type them out. As I read through the notes, I find interesting nuggets of descriptions he uses for different ones. These, so far, are my favorites.)

Note #1: “Sits there like a hairy Yoda.”

Note #2: “C***sucker hairstyle.”

Note #3: “Prejudiced down to her heart. What an a**hole.”

Note #4: “Monkey face to match his monkey fumbling.”

Note #5: “Attractive brunette. She gets flustered around me; I think she has a crush! I know I do.”

Note #6: “Has hair like a troll. I think he is a troll; lives under his desk and smells like he sucks on his feet.”

Note #7: “Don’t say boo — already so pale, a ghost is darker.”

Hat’s Off For The Attempt

, , , , , | Romantic | November 22, 2017

Years ago, my husband’s uncle was shopping for lingerie for his wife. Unfortunately, he really did not know anything about bra sizes, let alone what size his wife wore.

When the saleswoman asked about size, [Uncle] doffed his hat, looked around, and said, “Seven and a half.”

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