I am in line at customer service, and the customer ahead of me is trying to get a refund.

Customer: “But I have a receipt!”

Employee: “Yes, sir, but you bought this item over five years ago. Our return window is thirty days. The best I can do is store credit.”

Customer: “You greedy corporate fascist communists!”

Employee: “I don’t think all those words mean what you think they mean.”

Related:
Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills, Part 4
Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills, Part 3
Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills, Part 2
Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills

I’m at work and discover I am out of padded envelopes. I go to my ordering officer to order more.

Ordering Officer: “These come in boxes of 250.” 

Me: “Get me one, please.”

Two weeks later, the ordering officer proudly hands me a single envelope.

Me: “Actually, I need 250.”

Ordering Officer: “250? Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes.”

Two weeks later, I get a call at my desk from the loading dock to tell me my shipment has arrived. 

Dock Worker: “Hello, Mr. [My Name], this is the loading dock. We have your delivery here. What do you want us to do with it?”

Me: “Bring it up here to the seventh floor.”

Dock Worker: “We can’t do that; there’s too much. We barely have room for it here.”

Me: “It should be just one box.”

Dock Worker: “No, sir, we have 250 boxes of envelopes for you. Please come get them.”

I am walking to help another table when a diner holds up her glass of water, empty but with just ice. Instead of asking for a refill like a nice human, she just shakes it to get my attention. I help the other table, and on the way back, the customer shakes her glass at me again, even more vigorously.

Me: “Are you making music, or did you want something?”

She sheepishly asked for a refill while her fellow diners were quietly amused.

One of my friends had a girlfriend who was, to put it lightly, difficult to handle. To put it less lightly, she was vain, controlling, belittling, and the kind of narcissist who honestly believed that the world would simply change because she wanted it to.

My friend finally decided that he was going to break up with her. I saw him the day after and asked him how it went.

Friend: “Well, about as well as I could expect.”

Me: “That bad?”

Friend: “She said she’s going to sue me for abusing her by making decisions like this without her consent.”

Because of course, she was the kind of girl who’d expect you to get her permission before you could break up with her.

However, the best part was when my friend got a letter in the mail a couple of weeks later. The return address had the name “US Court System” but actually had his ex’s address below that, and inside was a plain printed letter that said, in short, that “court proceeds” were started against him, but they could be halted if he reversed his “ellipsis of judgment,” among several other completely wrong word choices.

He considered writing back with something like “Nice try,” but ultimately, he just shredded the letter and moved on. It has been three months now, and he hasn’t heard anything else about any “court proceeds.”

A father and his maybe four- or five-year-old son are perusing used cars in the lot.

Me: “Can I help you with anything, sir?”

I realize the father is reading something on his phone as I have approached and is distracted. His son, however, is VERY chatty.

Customer’s Son: “Daddy needs a second car so Mommy doesn’t see Daddy’s special friend!”

The man grabs his son, almost dropping his phone.

Customer: “What did we say about telling that story, Timothy?!”