Pogo Bounce Out Of That Marriage

, , , , , , , , | Related | October 25, 2017

I’m the lead singer in a metal band that does both original songs and covers. When my brother got engaged, his bridezilla fiancée asked my band to perform at the wedding. At some point she realized that they were going over budget, so her solution to cut back on costs was to tell us at the very last minute that she expected us to work for free because I was family and therefore “obligated,” even though we had already agreed to work at a discount because we were playing for a family event. I was furious, and the only reason we didn’t cancel was because it would have been too late for them to find a replacement and I love my brother and didn’t want to ruin his wedding.

Between her refusal to pay us, her constant treating of my brother and our family members like crap, her refusal to make me a bridesmaid solely on the grounds that I wasn’t “pretty enough”, meaning I’m tomboyish, and several underhanded insults she levied at one of my bandmates for being a transman, we were all very displeased with her come the morning of the wedding. She was either oblivious to our displeasure, or she just didn’t care.

While we were setting up, an hour before we were supposed to play, the bride came up to us, stood in our way, and suddenly announced that she didn’t like our chosen set because it wasn’t “romantic enough,” even though she and my brother both approved of it in advance. She was apparently under the impression that musicians can learn songs on the fly without practice or having ever performed them before, and asked us to play the Celine Dion song from Titanic, to which our drummer replied, “You realize we’re a f****** metal band, right?”

Our bass guitarist suddenly had a light-bulb moment and told her that he knew a love song we could play for her. She got excited and told us to play that one first. When she walked away and he told us what song he had in mind, we all agreed it was a great idea.

When it came time for our set to start, we opened up with a cover of “Bounce” by System of a Down, which is technically a love song. I don’t think I ever saw my brother’s fiancée run so fast, in heels, and my brother was dying of laughter.

After the wedding, we found out my brother didn’t even know that she had decided not to pay us, and he made sure we got paid, even though his new wife insisted that we didn’t even deserve it for ruining her wedding with our stunt.

They got divorced just two months later, because it turns out that when you marry someone who’s controlling and abusive, they don’t stop being controlling and abusive. No one was really surprised at the divorce, and my brother cited our spontaneous song choice as his only good memory of the wedding, anyway.

Getting Your Panty-hose In A Twist Over A Dollar

, , , , | Right | October 25, 2017

(I work at a major retail store and we have some clearance items right now. Unfortunately, things get moved around a lot, or they are put in the right spot but don’t receive new stickers or have their prices updated in our system. The higher-ups at my job have decided that even if that is the case, we are only allowed to sell them for what the current sticker says. A lady comes in and is getting a bunch of clearance pantyhose and shape-wear.)

Customer: *as I’m ringing up the first item* “These were all on clearance on a $1 rack. Can you make sure they ring up properly?”

Me: “It looks like this one rang up fine.”

(I ring through a few more identical items and they ring up the same. I get to another item and it is marked at $2. I ring it up and it, as I thought, comes up as $2.)

Customer: “That’s not supposed to be $2.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Unfortunately, I’m not allowed to change the price on it. I am only allowed to sell it for the price marked on it.”

Customer: *becoming frustrated* “But it was on the shelf marked $1. Can’t you do something about it? I spend thousands of dollars here every year. Can’t you change it because it was in the wrong spot?”

(I say nothing and decide it would be easier if I don’t argue with her; we wouldn’t want to lose her “thousands” of dollars.)

Customer: “Thank you; that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Me: “…”

1 Part Bleach To 100 Parts Stupidity, Part 2

, , , | Healthy | October 25, 2017

(I am a pharmacy technician, not qualified to recommend drugs or dispense advice. Any questions about actual medicine, I am required to pass off to a pharmacist, even if I think I know the answer.)

Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: *mumbling* “Um, I think I—” *mumbles* “—contact with bleach…”

Me: “I’m sorry, what? Could you repeat that?”

Customer: “I think I might have swallowed some bleach and was wondering if the pharmacist could recommend anything.”

Me: *trying not to look alarmed* “Well, if I were you, I would call the Poison Control Center, but I’ll check with the pharmacist.”

(I go back to the counter where the pharmacist is working.)

Me: “This guy says he might have ingested bleach and wants to know if you can recommend anything. I told him he should call the Poison Control Center.”

Pharmacist: “Yeah, that’s about it.”

(I go up to the front counter and repeat this advice to the customer.)

Customer: “Well, I drank some fluids and I’m feeling better now. I had some [soda], and some water, and some lemonade. My chest was hurting before but now it’s better. Do you know if bleach can make your chest hurt?”

Me: “Um… probably. If you swallowed bleach, it could hurt on the way down. You should probably call the Poison Control Center.”

Customer: “Eh, maybe I’ll call them tomorrow. If I’m not feeling better then, I can go to the emergency room, too.”

Me: “I would call them tonight if I were you, just to be safe. Do you want their number?”

(I write it down on the nearest piece of paper and hand it to him.)

Customer: “Yeah, thanks. I might call them tomorrow.”

(He wanders away, but comes back later. My coworker is an intern, studying to become a pharmacist, and gets to the counter first. I overhear their conversation.)

Customer: “I was wondering about water pills. What do they do?”

Coworker: “Um, they make you urinate.”

Customer: “Can I get some of those?”

Coworker: *realizing why he’s asking* “They don’t flush out your system; they’re used to lower blood pressure. And you would need a prescription.”

Customer: “Can I get one of those?”

Coworker: *bewildered* “We don’t give prescriptions here; we just fill them. You would need to go to a doctor.”

(The customer wanders away, apparently still confused about a lot of things.)

Me: “I hope he’s going to be okay.”

Pharmacist: “If he had really swallowed bleach, his throat would be burned. I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but there’s nothing else we can do.”

1 Part Bleach To 100 Parts Stupidity

A Date To Remember

, , , | Right | October 25, 2017

(It is currently July 2014. I am a Canadian visiting the US. My birthday is April 12, 1993, and since I’m from Canada my ID says “12/04/1993”. One day, I go to the bar.)

Bouncer: “Can I see some ID, please?”

Me: “Oh, yes. Here it is.”

(I hand him my ID.)

Bouncer: “Sorry, you can’t enter unless you’re 21 years old.”

Me: “But I am 21!”

Bouncer: “Sorry, your ID says that you’re only turning 21 in December.”

(I understand his mistake and I laugh.)

Me: “No, actually, I’m from Canada. I was born on April 12. The order of the dates go ‘day, month, year’ where I’m from.”

Bouncer: “How stupid do you think I am? Get out of here.”

(I ended up getting kicked out of the bar.)

Leading Dogs Astray

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 25, 2017

(My grandparents have a labrador/border collie mix. Their area is mostly empty fields and few houses, and like most people in the area, they have a very large yard with no fence. Because they had trouble training him not to run out of the yard when he was a rambunctious puppy, they have decided to put up an electronic fence before their dog starts to make a nuisance of himself to the neighbors. His collar beeps a few times to warn him that he’s out of bounds before shocking him, so he learns very quickly that the beeping means to get back in the yard. My grandmother has him outside with her, and one minute he’s sitting on the boundary of the yard, sunning off, and the next he disappears while she isn’t looking. It’s very unusual for him to wander or disappear at this point, as he’s fairly obedient and the collar is now just a precaution. She starts screaming his name, wondering why he’s not coming, when she hears him shrieking in pain towards the front of the house. She runs to the front and sees a van with the back door wide open and a little girl sitting inside watching. A woman has a death grip on my grandmother’s dog and is actively dragging him out of his yard and toward her car, ignoring the beeping of his collar and his yelps of pain as he fights to get away from her and back into the yard.)

Grandmother: “Excuse me, but what do you think you’re doing with that dog?!”

Woman: “I think he’s a stray.”

Grandmother: “That is my dog! How could you not hear me calling for him, his collar beeping, or him yelping every time it shocks him? If you just take a moment to look, he’s got tags on with this address! Now, you are hurting him, so I demand you let him go!”

Woman: “But he was running loose!”

Grandmother: “He was in his own backyard, and there is no way he would have wandered this far out front on his own because of the collar. Now, let him go before I beat the s*** out of you!”

(She had to actually pull her dog out of the woman’s hands and, predictably, he ran straight back into the yard, shaking and whimpering. The woman got back in her car and sped off without so much as an apology. My grandmother is convinced that she knew he lived there and thought no one was around to see her helping herself to a free dog. He doesn’t wear the collar anymore, and my grandmother never turns her back to him when they’re outside anymore, either.)

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