Your Order Is Falling Flat

, , | Right | August 30, 2017

(I am talking to a friend, who is telling a story about a flatbread sandwich they had recently that wasn’t so great. I go up to the counter at the fast food restaurant we’re in to order an egg and bagel sandwich.)

Cashier: “Good morning, what can I get for you?”

Me: “Good morning. Can I get a flatbread egg sandwich with a side of hash browns?”

Cashier: *thinks for a minute* “You want the egg white flatbread sandwich with hash browns?”

(I haven’t picked up on my error.)

Me: *confused* “That’s not what I said. I would like the flatbread egg sandwich. Why are you saying egg white flatbread sandwich?”

Cashier: *confused* “That’s the only flatbread egg sandwich we have on the menu.”

Me: *extremely confused* “Well, I know that’s your only flatbread sandwich, but I don’t want a flatbread sandwich.”

(At this point, my friend has been laughing the whole time and steps in.)

Friend: “Sorry, she wants a BAGEL and egg sandwich with hash browns.”

Me: “That’s what I said, right?”

Friend: “No. You kept saying ‘flatbread’.”

Me: “Really? Oh, wow, that explains why that exchange was so confusing. I’m sorry about that!”

Cashier: “All right, one BAGEL and egg sandwich with hash browns. Your total is $3.65.”

Me: *hands her $5* “Just keep the change. I think you deserve a small tip for that.”

(My friend poked fun at me a little bit more and when the cashier handed me my order, she emphasized that it was on a BAGEL.)


An Inconvenient Truth

, , , | Right | August 30, 2017

(I am at a store with my grandmother, picking up dog food. Since I have just gotten out of work and am only picking the food up, as it is on the way and I don’t want to backtrack, I’m still wearing my uniform, consisting of a blue shirt and tan work pants. The employees at the store wear a red shirt and black pants.)

Customer: *approaches from behind while I’m looking at a magazine, a couple feet away from my grandmother* “Excuse me. Where are the flea collars located?”

Me: *ignores her thinking that she is talking to an employee nearby*

Customer: *taps my shoulder to get my attention*

Me: *turns and looks at her* “Am I in the way? I’m sorry.” *goes to move out of her way*

Customer: “No. Where are the flea collars?”

Me: *looks confused* “I don’t know, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, you should know, since you work here.”

Me: “I don’t work here. I’m only picking up dog food.”

Customer: “Why are you wearing a badge, then?”

Me: *looks down at my badge that clearly states the name of the store I work at on it* “I just got of work and didn’t want to make a unneeded trip. Plus, the employees here wear red shirts, not navy blue.”

Customer: “Well, aren’t you inconvenient.” *stomps off*

(Meanwhile, my grandmother was watching the entire exchange and started laughing after the woman left.)

My Daughter Amara

, , , , | Related | August 30, 2017

It was ten pm, my wife and kid were asleep, and I had the grave shift starting in two hours, so I was killing time before work.

I was watching a horror TV show where a demon-baby telekinetically slams her letter blocks into the wall to spell out, “Feed me.”

It was an intense moment, and my office was pitch black except for the light from my computer screen. I glanced to my side and found my three-year-old daughter standing there, who simply said, “I’m hungry.”

My scream woke up our next door neighbor, who called to make sure everything was all right.

Genderalising The Work Force

, , , , | Working | August 30, 2017

(I am a new lawyer working on electronic discovery for litigation, with several other people. We are early to work and waiting for the manager to open the office; due to security, we can’t get in without that. The manager is a small young woman, and most of the team are men).

Coworker: *spots the manager coming in, but forgets her name* “Hey, it’s the… young female!”

Me: “Really? I’ve been right here the whole time!”

Coworker: “…I need to find a better way to say that…”

Soy Not Sorry

, , , | Right | August 30, 2017

(A 20ish female customer comes up to my counter.)

Customer: “Can I just get a large cup of hot water? With a lid?”

(I prepare it and add a sleeve because it’s hot. She drops in a teabag from her purse.)

Customer: “Thanks. Do you have any honey?”

(I point to the condiment bar. As she’s adding honey, she looks at the cream pitcher.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have soy milk?”

Me: “We do, but that’s not free.”

Customer: “Really?! I guess I should’ve gone to a DIFFERENT coffee shop!”

Me: “I guess you should have.”

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