I work in a tech support call center. We’re meant to try to solve every problem remotely if possible and only send out a tech if we absolutely cannot help over the phone. My boss thinks it’s never required to send out a tech, ever, and will show us examples of how we could have tried harder to avoid a call-out.

I receive a call from a customer.

Caller: “My Facebook isn’t working.”

Me: “Your Internet isn’t working?”

Caller: “Sure.”

Me: “Okay, so I’ll need you to open the browser.”

Caller: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s what you use to access your Internet.”

Caller: “What’s that?”

Me: “The Internet?”

Caller: “Yes, what’s that?”

Me: “What do you do on your computer?”

Caller: “I check my Facebook.”

Me: “That’s Internet.”

Caller: “No, that’s Facebook.”

Me: “Okay, then I need you to go to your Facebook.”

Caller: “My Facebook isn’t working. I told you. Are you stupid?”

I figure it is going to be too difficult to get this caller to type in an IP address, so I try the brute force method.

Me: “Okay, let’s try a reset. Can you turn off your computer?”

Caller: “I don’t know how.”

Me: “Just shut it down.”

Caller: “I don’t know how.”

Me: “Click on the icon in the bottom left corner and select shut down.”

Caller: “What do you mean by ‘click’?”

Me: “By using your mouse.”

Caller: “What’s a mouse?”

Me: *Zero hesitation* “Okay, I am going to send a tech over to you.”

I played the call back to my boss. He admitted there was a first time for everything.

Back in my college years, I worked in the public dining hall. It was the dining hall everyone had access to, so customers included faculty and outsiders who paid with cash, as well as students.

Customers were, well, customers. Most were nice, some were weird, and some were downright awful. On this day, I was making sandwiches. We were in the middle of a rush. A customer had asked for essentially a tuna melt wrap: tuna and cheese heated up in a steamer and then put in a wrap. While there were many extra options to add, this one was very simple, so I made it quickly and called the number, and after around a minute, a woman came up to collect the plate.

Customer: “Excuse me.”

I looked up from the new sandwich I was working on.

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “I asked for this heated up.”

Me: “I did heat it up.”

Customer: “Then why is it cool?”

Me: “Um, I assume it cooled down.”

Customer: *Looking pissed* “Then heat it up again!”

I reached for the plate.

Customer: “And I didn’t want any extra ingredients on it! Why did you put extras on it?”

Me: “Uh, I didn’t.”

She pointed to a green blob, looking vindicated.

Customer: “Then why are there peppers on it?”

I looked at the blob and then blinked.

Me: “That’s celery. It’s added to the tuna when it’s made.”

Customer: *Deflates* “Oh…”

I took the food, steamed it again, and then gave it back to her. She left without another word.

I stop at my local membership warehouse store to get gasoline. The gas prices have been high lately, but this store usually has gas anywhere from twenty to thirty cents cheaper per gallon than most gas stations. As such, it’s always busy.

Unfortunately, the layout for the pumps at this store isn’t great. There is room for maybe five vehicles to line up behind the ones at the pumps. Beyond that, the vehicles start blocking one of the entrances to the parking lot for the store. Because of this, the store has enlisted employees to help guide the drivers to move their vehicles a bit closer and provide room for people just entering.

I’ve just pulled up to the pump, gotten out of my car, swiped my membership card, and am ready to tap my credit card for payment. At this point, I can see someone in the corner of my eye kind of hovering close by. Since I still need to type in my PIN for payment, I get wary of people standing too close to me when I pay. I turn to see one of the store’s employees looking at me expectantly. I think he must have a question or something important to tell me.

Me: “Yes?”

Employee: “Are you going to tap for payment?”

I’m thinking maybe there’s something wrong with the pump. I look back to the pump and don’t see a sign or any other indication that I couldn’t pay by tapping, so I look back at the employee.

Me: “I was going to. Why?”

Employee: “We’re encouraging everyone to tap to pay when possible.”

Me: “Okay?”

Employee: “You see, all the cars are lined up waiting, and if everyone taps to pay, it saves up to forty-five seconds on each transaction. It’s a much faster way to pay.”

Me: “Yeah, I know. I would have been done by now.”

I turned back to pay, blocking his view while I typed in my PIN. I didn’t bother to see if he was giving that spiel to anyone else, but he definitely wasted my time. Even if I was swiping, I could have gotten done faster.

I manage a twenty-four-hour bar in Sin City. We have a lot of screens around the bar playing all kinds of different sports. Today, however, the main screen is playing the Eurovision Song Contest, since I am a huge fan, and hey, it’s my bar. Also, it’s the only place in the city, as far as I am aware, that’s showing the competition. I advertised this on social media and a small group has gathered to enjoy the competition.

Some vacationing “bros” come in, and before they’ve even ordered a drink:

Customer: “Get this gay s*** off the big screen! We’re here to watch the baseball!”

Me: *Pointing* “All the screens in that area are playing today’s baseball games.”

Customer: “We want it on the big screen!”

Me: “The big screen is reserved for Eurovision for now. You can switch it to baseball after.”

Customer: “F*** this Euro crap! It’s a bunch of fairies in tights singing some Russian s***.”

They glance at the screen and notice that the country being represented right there and then is Australia; they were invited as guests this year.

Customer: “That’s not even Europe! That’s f****** Australia! This thing is a joke!”

Me: “And how many countries are represented in your World Series?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Exactly. Your game is playing. Staying or going?”

They stayed and watched their game, grumbling the whole time. I can’t remember who they were rooting for, but they lost.

I am cutting up some wood for a customer. Their kids are playing with some kind of colorful tennis ball thing. One of them throws it and it lands behind the saw in my woodcutter.

Me: “Sir! Please ask your children to stop doing that! It is very dangerous to play like that while I am cutting wood.”

Customer: “Sorry. Boys being boys, eh?”

I wisely do not respond and I continue cutting, but the customer is now staring at me expectantly. He does a little cough.

Customer: “Could you pass the boys their ball?”

Me: “Not without risking my life, sir.”

Customer: “Well, I’m okay with that.”

Me: “Well, shockingly, sir, I am not.”